theroyalist

Copacabana Dreams

The left footers really should know better. Don’t they read the good book? Graven images aren’t allowed. God is not happy. After trying to hold his temper and count to, I don’t know, a virgintillion and one his patience ran out and he rained down on the Rio statue of Christ the Redeemer some very, very frightening tautological thunderbolts and lightning.

Aiming this year to travel more, Brazil is one of the countries on my goto list. My goal is not to help fix the statue or swim in the Amazon river or look at the rock paintings in the Parque Nacional da Serra da Capivara. Would you believe I’m not even going there to watch the skimpily clad carnival girls rocococoing in the flesh. My mission is to make the natives better at football. Coming from where I come from I’m sure my ministry will be helpful in this godforsaken land of no-hopers. After all, my five-a-side team have won their last few matches.

Choose Life

My good pals, Google, are now in the business of curing diseases. Project Calico’s goal is to expand human life expectancy. This slowing of the anti-aging process is an ambitious undertaking but there‘s easier ways of fighting death.

Me, I’m going to follow Hob Gadling’s philosophy on life. “The only reason people die is because everyone does it. You all just go along with it. It’s rubbish, death. It’s stupid. I don’t want nothing to do with it.” Hob said that in 1389 and I was only talking to him the other day where he said. “Death is a mug’s game”. So that’s all there is to it, as another immortal is known to say.

To Google or not…

There are an estimated one billion Google searches a day, give or take a few million either way. I am delighted to be in the minority of internet users that do not use the search engine’s facility. For the record I also don’t Ask Jeeves or use the other lesser-known singing search machines like Bing, Sinatra or Dean Martin. I am of the opinion that if I am in the dark, I’ll stay there. Where is it said that you need to know everything? Continue reading “To Google or not…”

The Epic poem result

It won’t be long until The Chariot Epic poem (Earth- stranger visits third rock from the sun) is read in universities around the world. The tale of Marvin’s wander through the wonders of this world will thrill generations to come. I’d like to thank the three contributors to this ambitious enterprise: Janus, John Mackie and FEEG.

JM used the opposite tactic of mine of not sucking up to the judge. His anti-Glasgow verses flowed smoother than Edinburgh trams and made me laugh. His poem was a stoater.

FEEG’s account of nasty politicians was anything but feeble. Some inspired rhymes in his denunciations- CO2, poo, venturi, Alpha Centuri. High definition poetical stuff.

Janus took Marvin all over the place. Marv will be glad to see the backside of him. Of the many J odes I particularly liked the Yorkshire moors one. And me being a Lancashire CCC man, born and nurtured. Janus book-ended the epic nicely meaning I didn’t have to insert one of my eccentric codas.

And the winner is… Continue reading “The Epic poem result”

Don’t trust the fridge

“We trust the fridge” said the oriental-looking stand up guy, Michael McIntyre. Sadly, the comedian’s observation was wrong. Before going away it is sensible to shut down all electrical appliances, excluding the fridge, to prevent, in the worst case scenario, a house fire due to faulty electrics. My friend followed this rule but on his return from holiday he found his fridge had conked out and his kitchen flooded. He didn’t have one of the more modern frost free models. Not only were the goods in his cooler ruined there was also a penetrating pungent smell in the room. Something was off. That’s a shame.

Personally, I’ve not returned from a trip to find a calamity. Not unless you count the number of enveloped bills that have built up behind the door.

The Charioteer in the clown’s house was right

A bunch of us held a gathering at the local McDonald’s where a wide range of topics was discussed. After we had exhausted the serious issues of our time -and polished off a burger or six- we started to talk about television shows and the Emmy awards. I was congratulated on predicting two of the winners long before the short list was announced. Furthermore, these were my only two predictions and both long shots; every man and his dog could have picked Breaking Bad.
https://charioteers.org/2012/09/10/emmy-award-prediction/
https://charioteers.org/2013/07/27/he-got-a-gun-he-got-a-gun-everybodys-got-guns/

One of the members asked if I had insider knowledge. I said I was not at liberty to answer that. A few extra McFlurries were used as a bribe but I stuck to my guns and kept schtum. They’re now convinced I’m in the screenwriter’s guild because I didn’t break the unwritten code of conduct and spill the ketchup, I mean beans.

Radio Blah

In this digital age it remains a mystery how the “before its time” digital watch never took over the world. A useful invention for people who didn’t understand the Roman numerals on their dial or the intricacies of hour and minute hands, the digital version had in some versions red neon numbers. A special button also illuminated the watch in the dark. And the stopwatch, wow, this was ground breaking stuff. Now obsolete at least we have digital radio to amuse us. So many stations, so much choice. I like the soap operas on Radio Blah. These everyday gothic soap stories might not be to everyone’s taste as yarns ain’t like they used to be.

The laptop with the faulty battery

Continue reading “Radio Blah”

Epic reminder

Two weeks left for the poets out there to enter this month’s Epic contest. This ambitious project has so far enticed only two authors to pen their verses. Details of the competition can be found here.
https://charioteers.org/2013/09/02/epic-september-poetry-competition/

Memo to admin- could you please update the side bar. Thanks.

‘course it’s true, I read it on the internet

There’s a group of us from all walks of life that have decided we can do it without the help of Google. Well, to a certain extent anyway. We will allow ourselves to type in the full address of the respected site we want to read e.g. bbc.co.uk, wikipedia.org, mytelegraph.co.uk where the content is unimpeachably precise and enthralling. But search terms are a no-no. The reasoning for this is that there are too many lies on the unofficial domains. It’s reputed that 25% of the facts issued on the internet are false. But by checking other sources and polls it can be 55%, 72%, 9%, 18.72%. This was a simple search and was inconclusive, proving our point. Continue reading “‘course it’s true, I read it on the internet”

The day the alien saw a wedding

In the distance
Bells
Church bells
Church bells ringing
“It’s a wedding” said Magellan
“What’s a wedding? asked Marvin
“It‘s when a man and a woman join together on holy matrimony”
“But it’s two men. What is all this baloney?” Continue reading “The day the alien saw a wedding”