I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans.
A guy called Abdul phoned and said, “I’m lying on the railway track waiting
for the train to come”.
All I said was, “Remain calm and stay on the line” ..
After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing
on the curb.
‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?’
‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive
at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive
‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my
job! What if something should happen’ protests the driver, wishing he’d
never gone to work that morning.
‘Who’s going to tell’ says the Pope with a smile. Read more…
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, Read more…
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “No!!!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Jack D and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“No, just here for a few days”.
A husband walks into a department store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, Good Grief! You’d think, for $500, they’d at least iron it!
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed coffin.
Two businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other…
“I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked… “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically… “We’re selling arse-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said
“Must be doing well… Only two left.”
Pensioners: Don’t mess with them … they maybe old, but they are not stupid.!!!
ITALIAN PASTA DIET — IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
2… You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. Read more…