The Epic poem result

It won’t be long until The Chariot Epic poem (Earth- stranger visits third rock from the sun) is read in universities around the world. The tale of Marvin’s wander through the wonders of this world will thrill generations to come. I’d like to thank the three contributors to this ambitious enterprise: Janus, John Mackie and FEEG.

JM used the opposite tactic of mine of not sucking up to the judge. His anti-Glasgow verses flowed smoother than Edinburgh trams and made me laugh. His poem was a stoater.

FEEG’s account of nasty politicians was anything but feeble. Some inspired rhymes in his denunciations- CO2, poo, venturi, Alpha Centuri. High definition poetical stuff.

Janus took Marvin all over the place. Marv will be glad to see the backside of him. Of the many J odes I particularly liked the Yorkshire moors one. And me being a Lancashire CCC man, born and nurtured. Janus book-ended the epic nicely meaning I didn’t have to insert one of my eccentric codas.

And the winner is…

Janus. For his range of styles and epic writing.

Well played, J-man.

For the university students that have just arrived. Here is the poem in full.

Earth
stranger visits third rock from the sun

dull drunken tourists sway and stare
along the brash bare-breasted boulevard

deep purple doored on Place Pigalle my own
brocaded boudoir’s broad divan du monde

we sip encore un verre de vin
is this the coda? you say oui

and who should care? who sees you leave
but for another faceless paying guest?

And then did bold Magellan cry,
‘Marvin let’s straitways Westward hie.
The sinking sun we’ll there espy,
With sights to sadden any eye.

To Weegieland we’ll wend our way,
Where Hell on Earth is on display.
A blighted spot in full decay,
Thence Hope has fled. Despair holds sway.

The streets with thronging Weegies burst,
In anti-Embra vitriol versed.
And yet their hearts still fear the worst,
They know they’re cursed.

They’ll try to claim they’ve got the patter,
But all they have is idle chatter,
Their boasts fall flat, their jokes fall flatter,
In truth, they really don’t much matter.

Then, drenched in gloom, you’ll gladly flee,
To Embran Heaven speed with glee.
Castle and Town will welcome thee,
Providing you’ll have had your tea.’

Some talk of Alexandria and of Herculaneum,
Of Hexham and Lyme Regis
And of such great names as them.
But of all the world’s great hang-outs
There’s none you’ll choose from yours
Like yon heather and t’ becks, like t’ sheep and like t’ pubs
Of the God-giv’n Yarkshire Moors

In the distance
Bells
Church bells
Church bells ringing
“It’s a wedding” said Magellan
“What’s a wedding? asked Marvin
“It‘s when a man and a woman join together on holy matrimony”
“But it’s two men. What is all this baloney?”

Ferdy pulled out his telescope from his hip
And sure enough, it was a civil partnership
Hoping the tourist wouldn’t object
He changed the subject

“I’ve got Straits named after me” said Magellan
“Marvin is not gay” said Marvin
“I didn’t say you were”
“You’re bumping your gums about how straight you are.”

And then the Limo with the happy couple passed
Beer cans were jingling from its bumper
The bride or the groom, Who knows? Blew Marvin a kiss
The alien bit his lip and didn’t lose his temper

Boadicea’s Chariot, Boadicea’s Chariot
Cyberspace’s answer to Baden Powell’s brigade!
We’ve got cubs and we’ve got brownies
And growed-up scouts – and girl-guides too.
We are the stuff of which glory is made!

Once upon a time we chatted oop at t’Big House
And some of us left, some were booted right out!
But we followed the Bear
(Does he do it? Yes, of course he does!) –
We’re cherished and we know it and we all proudly shout:

Boadicea’s Chariot, Boadicea’s Chariot
Cyberspace’s answer to Baden Powell’s brigade!
We’ve got cubs and we’ve got brownies
And growed-up scouts – and girl-guides too.
We are the stuff of which glory is made

Hello, Marvin, this is Earth,
Of intelligence here,
There is a dearth.
Some say here that CO2
Will warm the place
And land us in the poo.

We have guys here
called politicians
Who everyone has learned to fear
They lie and cheat and defraud
They are all a horrible crew
They talk until we all get bored

So if I were you I would
Turn your spaceship round
If by any chance you could
Unblock your venturi
Fire your rockets and
Go back to Alpha Centauri!

I like Kofi, you like Ki
We both like se-cur-i-tee!

Light blue hats at border posts
They’re the troops we love the most!

When the shells begin to fly
They’re off home – no fond good-bye!

I like Kofi, you like Ki
We both like se-cur-i-tee!

8 thoughts on “The Epic poem result”

  1. Thank you, JW! (I think!) Winning the pome comp is a poisoned chalice these days – first the invention of a tasty theme (yours was excellent) and then the liberal application carrots and sticks to coax the versifiers out of the woodwork!

    The good news is that the nights are drawing in and cherished charioteers are huddling together in their garrets for warmth – perfect conditions for literary, if not outrageous behaviour. 🙂

  2. theroyalist :

    There’s more chance of seeing a unicorn in Shandwick Place than a tram, Sheona.

    Good evening, JW.(and Sheona)

    I’ll have you know that the tram saga is moving to an end, albeit at a snail’s pace. They’re opening up all the streets and starting to test run the trams from mid October. Our brave new world of public transport is due to go live in May 2104,. only 3 years behind schedule, running over less than a third of the originally proposed length and a mere £600,000,000 over budget.

    The good news, of course, is that us chaps will be able to use it to go to Murrayfield Stadium to watch the rugger.

    And it’s not Shandwick Place any more, by the way. They’ve renamed it to try to get the tourists to get off the trams to start their Embran shopping experience as soon as possible.

    http://www.edinburghnews.scotsman.com/news/transport/trams-shandwick-place-stop-renamed-princes-street-1-3106746

  3. Good evening John,

    That’s not really going to help much, is it? They should have renamed it Glasgow Buchanan Street. That would entice the tourists. As for trams itself, your mob should have asked that quaint little Lancashire town, Blackpool, for help in how to run a tram service.

    The trains are going to Murrayfield? I suppose the commuters will have a ruck going in the door, then a suitcase will be passed backwards for someone at the back to kick over the train. Then you will all run over to the other side of the platform to catch the case and the whole she-bang starts again. Rugger. All push, pull. To me, to you.

  4. John Mackie :

    Our brave new world of public transport is due to go live in May 2104,. only 3 years behind schedule,

    And I thought our lot were slow! We’re still waiting for the (paid for) rapid transit system (big Volvo buses) planned for the 2010 World Cup?

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