Stand up and be elected

It’s refreshing to see that the worlds of politics and entertainment are finally merging with Backside’s hero – the toffs’ answer to Russell Brand – threatening to return to the House to lead the ever-amusing Tories into the next election.

So all together now!

Bring me Sunshine, in your smile,
Bring me Laughter, all the while,
In this world where we live, there should be more happiness,
So much joy you can give, to each brand new bright tomorrow……..

Repeat ad nauseam

Cheats always prosper

Human nature stinks so often, especially in so-called sport.

I always think of Dean Richards, the Leicester, England and Lions no. 8 who starred in the Bloodgate Incident; and Luis Suarez, the mercurial Uraguayan footballer who has an outstanding record of crossing the line. (Don’t even mention the countless cyclists.)

Both of my named cheats are now ‘reinstated’ and prospering. Does that mean we are expected to forget their transgressions? Is it OK to ‘put your hands up’ when you’re caught and go back to ‘normality’?

I don’t think so.

Just call me Sir

My headline is a quote from the ever charming PoW, addressed to his first wife; but it is also my own reply to this delicious BBC piece about French waiters.

Are the Froggies finally seeing the error of their ways? I doubt it but it’s fun to watch them squirm.

This formula is not only for nerds

What’s he going on about now? Formula? Nerds?

Yes, I’m sorry. It’s Backside again, being abstruse (one of his fave words). It’s about poetry – wot he likes doing – but he finds it impossible without a formula, a framework, a function. The three Fs, you might say.

So your mission this month, should you wish to engage, is to reveal your innermost workings by means of this plan:


  • The first line of the poem involves an emotion: sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, love, jealousy.
  • The second line describes the emotion as a colour. For example, you might describe anger as “red as a rag to a bull ;” happiness might be “as pink as a chimp’s chuff.”
  • The third line starts with “It happens when . . ..” For example, “Anger happens. . .when I’m told to move myself or words to that effect.” “Confusion happens when I do it but apparently not well enough.”
  • The fourth line begins with “It sounds like . . ..” For example, “Sadness sounds like. . .a Rangers supporter.”
  • The last line of the poem repeats the original emotion.

There! That was easy, eh? Only five lines at a time, rhyming or not, scanning or not, serious or not – but as many emotions as your constitution will stand. But no deviation from the formula, p-lease!

Closing date 27th October after Backside’s standard, formulaic breakfast. Thank you.

No nicotine in the nick

I’m sure some cherished colleagues have diplomatically mild views on how best to punish criminals.


But HMGov has come up with a humdinger – taking the fags away from the 80% of inmates who smoke. What a stroke of penological genius! Let’s show genuine concern for the prison environment, not to mention the health of the minders and the minded.

Backside wonders whether most of the deprived denizens will ask for transfers to Rikers island, Bang Kwang or La Sante where they could at least nurse their bruises with a quiet drag.