A car pulls up in front of our driveway this morning, while I’m shovelling almond hulls down the front and a lady gets out and asks for directions
I pointed her in the right direction and I prepared to get back to my shovelling Then I hear
” Oh.you have cows how lovely, I’m a vegan”
I’m thinking great, this is all I need with 750kgs of almonds to shovel, so I answer with
” Yes we run a dairy farm. Thank you, yes they are lovely” while thinking that I was being unusually polite, for me.
“I think cows are lovely but they need to be free & I only drink almond milk & milking them is cruel” she says.
I’m thinking, hmmm ……. so I answer with
“Oh, but our cows produce almond milk, see what I’m shovelling? That’s almond hulls and we feed those to the cows & they give us almond milk” –
Surely I have gone too far with that one, no one would believe that
“My gosh” she squeals ” how wonderful I’ll have to tell my friends about this farm”
Shit. I’m hoping she has no idea how to find our place again. I really enjoyed shovelling the rest of hulls this morning after that effort.
Made smile anyway.
I found this on the web a little while ago and it brought back a few memories, courtesy of the website of Mr Ambrose- Jones, who joined as the replacement Chief Officer.
I joined the London Harmony as an apprentice deck officer at the tender age of seventeen. As apprentices we worked with the crew for most of the time, which didn’t make it the most comfortable place to be on the ship when the crew mutinied. It did, however, rapidly improve my observational powers when walking around on the main deck alone.
This is Mr Ambrose-Jones account of the events that took place after he joined the ship
London Harmony Incident Read more…
’tis but two days til the closing date of the sea theme so don’t stay clammed up.
Winkle out your laptops, plaice your dabs on your keyboard and pour out your sole, because we’re looking forward to herring from you
Thank you Christopher for this entirely unexpected honour.
I would like to thank so many people for making this possible, including my parents, my grandparents and my long term partner, my laptop. Of course I must include his parents, especially his father, Charles Babbage (even though the DNA tests have proved rather inconclusive so far) but without whom none of this would have been possible.
So to a new lyrical challenge.
Because I live by it, worked on it and look at it every day it is,
Could be anything in it, on it or around it. Anything that floats in it or anything that doesn’t. Could also include any plaice near it, so cast your doubts aside one and all and have a go, just for the halibut.
As required by any one of innumerable EU regulations entries are best before 01/05/2015.
Originally I wrote this as a joke back back in the seventies, I had no idea that is might turn out still to be a bit closer to the truth than I had imagined, all these years later
“The time has come to end it all”
he said on looking down.
I’ll leap from this ledge fifty one floors up
Then blackness all around”
In passing by the thirteenth floor
A man leapt into space
A man of dark and flowing locks
A beard upon his face
A man who falling caught him up
And caught him by the ears
And yelled “This is a hijack man
Fly me to Algiers”
Now, where is this located?
Although I’m not sure where
And although I’ve never met you,
I know you’ve all been there.
It’s colour scheme? Unusual.
From pinks to deepest blues
And although it has no windows
It offers lots of views.
It has no grounds or gardens
But gardeners here abound
And their horticultural influence
Is spread the world around.
Inside, the depth of learning
Is plain where ‘ere you look
But within its confines
You’ll not find a single book.
So where is this located?
If you don’t know quite where
Here is a simple anagram
Solve this: Dice boot as chair
….the joy of grandchildren.
Well to be fair, it’s a last Christmas story actually but in the tradition of a lot of the British redtops, never let the truth get in the way of a good headline.
Just before Christmas last year we, (Grandma and Grumpy) took the oldest grandchild Rufus, to a little fund raising event at the local children’s centre, part of which was Father Christmas in his grotto. Rufus, who is just three, was adamant that he wanted to go and see him. We strolled around the stalls for a bit buying little bits and bobs while Rufus kept insisting that he wanted to and go see Santa
I should explain that normally we all spend Christmas here in Cornwall but, as my son in laws father died earlier this year, they decided that they would spend the Christmas with his Mother, aka “Nanna” in Birmingham. Read more…
Made me smile anyway
A burglar broke into a house one night. He was shining his torch around, looking for any items of value, when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked the torch off and froze. After a while When he heard nothing else, he shook his head and switched his torch back on and resumed his search.
He found a DVD player and as he pulled it out to disconnect it from the mains, clear as a bell he heard a voice say
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch illuminated a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’
Seeing it was only a parrot the burglar started to relax.
‘Warn me, huh?” he said “Who might you be then?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?’
‘The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’