Author Archive

A nice little story from the NZ Farming site today

January 15, 2017 18 comments

A car pulls up in front of our driveway this morning, while I’m shovelling almond hulls down the front and a lady gets out and asks for directions
I pointed her in the right direction and I prepared to get back to my shovelling Then I hear
” have cows how lovely, I’m a vegan”
I’m thinking great, this is all I need with 750kgs of almonds to shovel, so I answer with
” Yes we run a dairy farm. Thank you, yes they are lovely” while thinking that I was being unusually polite, for me.
“I think cows are lovely but they need to be free & I only drink almond milk & milking them is cruel” she says.
I’m thinking, hmmm ……. so I answer with
“Oh, but our cows produce almond milk, see what I’m shovelling? That’s almond hulls and we feed those to the cows & they give us almond milk” –
Surely I have gone too far with that one, no one would believe that
“My gosh” she squeals ” how wonderful I’ll have to tell my friends about this farm”
Shit. I’m hoping she has no idea how to find our place again. I really enjoyed shovelling the rest of hulls this morning after that effort.

Made smile anyway.

Categories: General

Mutiny on the Harmony

January 12, 2017 15 comments

I found this on the web a little while ago and it brought back a few memories, courtesy of the website of Mr Ambrose- Jones, who joined as the replacement Chief Officer.

I joined the London Harmony as an apprentice deck officer at the tender age of seventeen. As apprentices we worked with the crew for most of the time, which didn’t make it the most comfortable place to be on the ship when the crew mutinied. It did, however, rapidly improve my observational powers when walking around on the main deck alone.

This is Mr Ambrose-Jones account of the events that took place after he joined the ship


London Harmony Incident Read more…

Categories: General

April poetry comp

April 28, 2015 3 comments

’tis but two days til the closing date of the sea theme so don’t stay clammed up.

Winkle out your laptops, plaice your dabs on your keyboard and pour out your sole, because we’re looking forward to herring from you

Categories: General

Our brilliant legislators

April 23, 2015 14 comments
Bought a car from somebody who parks on the street?  Under the new DVLA rules you’ve broken the law!
When the rules on car tax changed last year, anyone selling a car has to notify the DVLA. The DVLA will automatically refund the seller the price of any “complete” months left (which will not include the month you actually sold the car because, there isn’t a “complete” month left)You as the buyer have to tax the car before you can use it. If the previous owner parks on the street, you can’t drive the car away because you can’t use it ’til it’s taxed, but parking unlicensed vehicles on a public highway is an offence. So, drive it away or leave it there, either way you’re committing an offence.

The fact that the DVLA has now been paid twice for the same month (because you must tax it from the day you bought it and the DVLA has not refunded the previous owner for that month) has nothing to do with it.

Stupid stuff eh? Nobody is going to enforce such silly rules are they? Fines and towaways have gone up from an average 5000 per month to approx 8000.

Categories: General

Brittany shadows

April 22, 2015 7 comments

My pointed attempt at Arrers competition


Categories: General

April Pome Competition

April 9, 2015 18 comments

Thank you Christopher for this entirely unexpected honour.

I would like to thank so many people for making this possible, including my parents, my grandparents and my long term partner, my laptop. Of course I must include his parents, especially his father, Charles Babbage (even though the DNA tests have proved rather inconclusive so far) but without whom none of this would have been possible.

So to a new lyrical challenge.
Because I live by it, worked on it and look at it every day it is,
“The Sea”

Could be anything in it, on it or around it. Anything that floats in it or anything that doesn’t. Could also include any plaice near it, so cast your doubts aside one and all and have a go, just for the halibut.

As required by any one of innumerable EU regulations entries are best before 01/05/2015.

Categories: Competition, General

Time and place

March 30, 2015 7 comments

Originally I wrote this as a joke back back in the seventies, I had no idea that is might turn out still to be a bit closer to the truth than I had imagined, all these years later

“The time has come to end it all”
he said on looking down.
I’ll leap from this ledge fifty one floors up
Then blackness all around”
In passing by the thirteenth floor
A man leapt into space
A man of dark and flowing locks
A beard upon his face
A man who falling caught him up
And caught him by the ears
And yelled “This is a hijack man
Fly me to Algiers”

Categories: Bad Poetry, General

All written on location

March 8, 2015 10 comments

Now, where is this located?
Although I’m not sure where
And although I’ve never met you,
I know you’ve all been there.

It’s colour scheme? Unusual.
From pinks to deepest blues
And although it has no windows
It offers lots of views.

It has no grounds or gardens
But gardeners here abound
And their horticultural influence
Is spread the world around.

Inside, the depth of learning
Is plain where ‘ere you look
But within its confines
You’ll not find a single book.

So where is this located?
If you don’t know quite where
Here is a simple anagram
Solve this: Dice boot as chair

Categories: General Tags:

This years first Christmas story or…

February 25, 2015 8 comments

….the joy of grandchildren.

Well to be fair, it’s a last Christmas story actually but in the tradition of a lot of the British redtops, never let the truth get in the way of a good headline.

Just before Christmas last year we, (Grandma and Grumpy)  took the oldest grandchild Rufus, to a little fund raising event at the local children’s centre, part of which was Father Christmas in his grotto. Rufus, who is just three, was adamant that he wanted to go and see him. We strolled around the stalls for a bit buying little bits and bobs while Rufus kept insisting that he wanted to and go see Santa

I should explain that normally we all spend Christmas here in Cornwall but, as my son in laws father died earlier this year, they decided that they would spend the Christmas with his Mother, aka “Nanna” in Birmingham. Read more…

Categories: General

Holy Moses

June 3, 2014 2 comments

Made me smile anyway

A burglar broke into a house one night. He was shining his torch around, looking for any items of value, when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked the torch off and froze. After a while When he heard nothing else, he shook his head and switched his torch back on and resumed his search.
He found a DVD player and as he pulled it out to disconnect it from the mains, clear as a bell he heard a voice say
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch illuminated a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’
Seeing it was only a parrot the burglar started to relax.
‘Warn me, huh?” he said “Who might you be then?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?’
‘The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Categories: General