Overrated: Midwifery

As one that has delivered a baby in an emergency I feel I have the experience to say that the profession of midwifery is not that hard to do. The midwives are credited with an assist when the breakthrough is done. This is far too much praise as all they do is dampen the expectants brow and fold and unfold towels. If the patient needs pain relief the middies simply pour gas and air down the victim’s throat.

The cutting of the cord is no big deal either. Obstetrics is not exactly the bomb squad disposal unit, is it? There’s not a multitude of wires that need cut in the correct order, there’s just the one long umbilical. The timing of the cut isn’t crucial either. The countdown clock cliché is redundant. There’s a big time frame to play with before the snip.

My participation in a childbirth was vital even if I did find that it was a simple enough job. The young girl next door was heavily pregnant and overdue. Her boyfriend came running in a panic to my house. He shouted at me, her waters have broke, she’s screaming and I don’t know what to do. Relax kid, I said, let me deal with it. I pulled up my sleeves and readied myself for the forthcoming ordeal. Continue reading “Overrated: Midwifery”

What else, Mr President?

Silver tongued Obama waxes lyrical about his country’s reationship with the UK. The usual suspects are wheeled out – I won’t remind you – to instruct us to Remain.

Don’t be fooled. Obama has two goals: to lead the global debate and just as significantly, to be seen to favour the EU as an institution. He can never support its breakup and the overt fragmentation of foreign policy. He does not respect the sovereignty of individual states, except his own! He wants a world map to show a single block of colour between the Atlantic and Russia. Simplistic? Yes, that’s US politics.

Extreme justice

Anders Breivik, self-confessed Nazi mass-murderer, has won a court case against the ever-correct state of Norway. The food and living conditions are not up to snuff, as it were.

Not that the monster is likely to be treated very much differently in future.  Perhaps an M & S ready meal now and then, but certainly no ‘association’ with other inmates.

So was it worth the legal costs – not a krone paid by him, I’m sure? Even the purists must wonder.

 

Bucket List: Snickers to that one

While I can still run it crossed my mind to complete a marathon. Reasonably fit, for my age, with a bit of training the 26 miles would be a walk in the park for me. My feat would evoke envy in those runners that have the marathon on their bucket list. With the goal of outbucketing the bucketeers I prepared. I got as far as buying comfortable training shoes but after a few jogs I got phed up with dese and chucked them in the bin.

There’s no point in a marathon. Going pell-mell with the hoi polloi in the peloton, all those miles of torture just to fleetingly pass El Diablo and then there’s the side stiches.  Do it for charity not the glory, opined some. I do charity, I never pass a bucket in the street or shops without throwing in some loose drachma. You can do it in a chicken suit, opined others. οικόσιτα πτηνά, my left caruncle. Don’t spartan something you can’t finish, opined the do ‘ave ’ems. They were right, that’s what got this silly run going in the first place.

I blame the Persians. If only those ancient sons of Zoroaster could fight.

Grow a pair, Australia

I have never been so disappointed with my favourite country than I was this morning.

The background to this sorry tale is that last year one Amber Heard, current Sheila of actor Johhny Depp, smuggled two small dogs into Queensland on a private jet while he was filming for the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ franchise. Now Ozzies in general are a pretty easy going bunch, but one thing you most certainly do not do is take the rise out of their Customs and Border Protection Service, the consequences for which can be both life changing and eye-wateringly expensive.

On top of the smuggling charges charges dear Amber was also charged with submitting a false immigration declaration and pleaded guilty on all counts. However, the Queensland judge gave her a one-month good behaviour bond of 1,000 dollarooos (just over £500) with no conviction recorded. This amount is payable only if she breaks the bond (my italics).

The pair were also ordered to record a sincere apology, the result of which can be seen here True sincerity. Is it just me, or are these two taking the pish to epic levels and is there one law for s’lebs and another for ‘civilians’, as Liz Hurley once referred to those not on the red carpet?

What I do know is that some starstruck functionary in the Australian public service or the judiciary needs to grow a pair.

OZ