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Overrated: Midwifery

As one that has delivered a baby in an emergency I feel I have the experience to say that the profession of midwifery is not that hard to do. The midwives are credited with an assist when the breakthrough is done. This is far too much praise as all they do is dampen the expectants brow and fold and unfold towels. If the patient needs pain relief the middies simply pour gas and air down the victim’s throat.

The cutting of the cord is no big deal either. Obstetrics is not exactly the bomb squad disposal unit, is it? There’s not a multitude of wires that need cut in the correct order, there’s just the one long umbilical. The timing of the cut isn’t crucial either. The countdown clock cliché is redundant. There’s a big time frame to play with before the snip.

My participation in a childbirth was vital even if I did find that it was a simple enough job. The young girl next door was heavily pregnant and overdue. Her boyfriend came running in a panic to my house. He shouted at me, her waters have broke, she’s screaming and I don’t know what to do. Relax kid, I said, let me deal with it. I pulled up my sleeves and readied myself for the forthcoming ordeal.

I phoned for an ambulance. It arrived promptly and a few hours later the woman had a child. I was personally responsible for being the controller of this pregnancy.

 

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  1. April 22, 2016 at 2:57 pm

    Aye we-ell! Don’t get that tongue stuck in the cheek, JW! You might be invited to deal with a breech birth or even twins! Can’t abide blood m’self so I’m not swapping tales of gore.

  2. April 22, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    You dealt with this situation with an admirable calm.

    Jolly well done, JW !

    Still credit where credit is due, you had done your homework and knew exactly what to do. 😉

  3. April 22, 2016 at 10:25 pm

    Thanks Ara (say hello to Bilby for me), it was like taking candy from…

    You know, after the more button (that would be a gore button for Janus) I considered going into a fantastical tale of telling everyone that I actually delivered the baby. This would have been a thriller, what with the gas and air, hot water and towels, new age music, breathing exercises, gas and air, the meditative music in the background annoying the lot of us and being thrown out with the dishwater and kettle, blood and thunder, gas and air, cold water and towels, reviving the fainted father, running out of gas and air, breathing hard, seeing double and cutting the right cord and finally, pulling the baby into this world. I reconsidered because it’s not like me to make things up.

  4. Four-eyed English Genius
    April 23, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Midwives are like ailrline pilots. Most of the time they do not have much to do, but they are very useful to have around when things go wrong.

  5. November 29, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    Very dangerous way of thinking. Just when you think all is well……..boom, your mother has an embolism or a hemorrhage.

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