Author: theroyalist

German Wines? German? And Wines? Am I hearing you right?

The title is a nod to the Peter Kay Garlic Bread sketch many vines ago, in case you were wondering.

Today, in a second hand bookshop I bought The Atlas of German Wines. I would have preferred the Atlas of German Sausages but you can only buy what’s on the shelf. Browsing the book I was impressed with the printing of the maps; colourful, detailed and understandable. I scoffed the book up and took it home.

Further analysis in the homeland made me question my monetary decision (two quid, in case you were wondering), I mean, are the Germans famous for their winemaking? German and Wines? Call me Latin if you will but I had heard that the Italians were the best grape growers and squashers. Yet I hope to copy Peter Kay’s epiphany when tasting garlic bread by enjoying the taste of fine wines from Germany.

Wild plans have been marked out on blueprint. A wine rack will be assembled in the loft (we don’t have no cellars). Not just any old wine rack, it’ll be a fancy one with decorations. Maybe the odd gargoyle or two. Only German wines will be permitted to lie on the racks. I smack my lips in anticipation and sing a Bing. ♪ I’m dreaming of a wine loft.♫

My dreams of Rhine wines was brought back to reality by my wife. “You don’t like wine. German, Italian or Chilean.” Chilean wine? Chile? And wine? Chilly wine, perhaps but not Chile wine.

She was right, though. I don’t like wine. It gives me the lethal cocktail of a sore head and indigestion. (don’t anybody start with a – sore head and indigestion? Sore head? Indigestion? witticism).

The wine idea has gone down the drain. I’ll stick to the tried and trusted. From here on in it’s only pints of beer for me. And I’ll be on the look out for a book on German beer. Or sausages.

Overrated: Top Trumps

The board game for budding entrepreneurs, Monopoly, is available in numerous different varieties as is the less expensive card game, Top Trumps. The trouble with Trumps is that sooner rather than later all the players remember the data on each card and the game can become boring. Dealt the right hand it is simply a procession to become Top Trump. Some households on seeing the nature of Trumps have banned it from their leisure time.

But the Trump card lives on effortlessly, in cruise control, master of its domain and seeking out new pastures. It could be all wind farm at the end of the day but the real worry is if it took over the world. Where would we be then?

 

The Poor Folk are at it again

PREFACE

I know that short stories are not really in demand on The Chariot these days but after reading a few Russian novels I decided to throw up a fable set in the Motherland. I wrote it quickly as I was Russian to finish it in time for tea. There are a few modern influences in the tale though the joke is an old one. However, as the story takes place in the 1850s maybe this was its first airing. Apologies for any grammatical errors in advance. I know what you lot are like.

Read it or don’t read it. You have your choice. I have a massive back catalogue of blogs on MYT with no views and no comments so I’m not bothered if this is sent to Siberia.

Pass me the wooly hat. Continue reading “The Poor Folk are at it again”

This is the way your world ends…with a bang

Just finished reading Crime and Punishment for the second time. The first time was twenty years ago when it was all Russian to me. Being older I had a better understanding of the novel this time.

One of the passages that caught my eye on this reading was when Raskolnikov, after five days of delirium, reads the previous five days newspapers. He is searching for details of the double murder. Before he sees the reports of his crime, there is a flavour of the news in Petersburg of that era. There is an accident on a staircase, four incidents of fires (was there an arsonist on the loose?) and spontaneous combustion of an alcoholic shopkeeper. This brought a smile to my face as I thought of a funny episode in a film.

In a scene from the rock music spoof, This is Spinal Tap, one of the band’s drummers dies from spontaneous human combustion. Most of the drummers, party animals, seem to have a small shelf life and die from various causes. But if you gotta go. SHC is as good as any. Continue reading “This is the way your world ends…with a bang”

Stationery to Stationery

According to a recent poll, stationery is the 41st thing that Britons love the most. In my book, I’d place it considerably higher. There really is not many better feelings than the smell of punched paper (or is that paper punched?) first thing in the morning.

What’s not to like about stationery? Pencils with tiny rubbers, shatterproof rulers and a compass to arc and map the page; just like being on a boat only without the waves or the sea legs.

Another reason for the love affair with merchandise office supplies is that much the same as office affairs, eventually it will reach the terminus. Stationery is mortal and for that we have the utmost sympathy and empathy.

• The little sharpener loses its edge and can only cut random slices out of the pencil.

• The rubber will erase itself and turn into disappearing ink.

• Old files are given the medieval treatment at the teeth of the shredder

• The Tipp-Ex bottle runs out of fluid and more urban correction methods are used.

• Modernists write their missives on machines leaving foolscap and his papermates to fade away.

September poetry result

A big thanks to the five contributors to the Animals competition. All the entries were first class.

Peter Alliss wouldn’t have liked the Latin speaking parrot in the poem by Janus but that’s golfers for you. I thought the piece was eximius.

Gazoopi put down in rhyme what he told us before about the stewing of his pet rabbit. Fifty years on it’s time the rabbit police thumped at his door.

Pseu’s dangerous moment in the life of a snail was captivating. Well-paced, the time was not crawling.

Bilby’s sausage dog was a sad tale but brilliantly written. My German’s not what it used to be so I had to use my German phrasebook (Stuff your Google) to translate. Great patter in the thread as well.

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother, Araminta. A mouse poem with a happy ending. Charming.

It was a shoot-out between Janus and Bilby. A very difficult decision but by the width of a gnat’s eyelash the winner is… Continue reading “September poetry result”

Over and over and over again

“That which is repeated has been, otherwise it could not be repeated, but the very fact that it has been makes the repetition into something new,” Kierkegaard

I am positive that this is the first time Kierkegaard has been quoted on The Chariot. It’s always good to bring something new to the table.

Continue reading “Over and over and over again”

Accident in the Afternoon

“EEEVVVEEE-ning Chronicle!”

The newspaper vendors tried their best to be heard over the multitude of buskers, great and small, that carnivalised the pedestrian precinct. To help sell their wares at their mobile kiosks the street traders had special extras to entice Mr and Mrs Public into buying their news. Free Mars Bar with today‘s paper, screamed the headline emblazoned over the front of their wheeled booth. As offers you can’t refuse go this one was a fence-splitting four faulter: small size of bar, the chocolate will melt in the afternoon heat, probably out of date and it is not fried. The declining newspaper industry will have to try better than that. Who wants to pay for inky fingers when you can strain your eyes online for free? Continue reading “Accident in the Afternoon”

Sir Criced

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When I told my good friend, the pastoral poet Mr B Keeper, that the theme for this month’s poetry competition was animals he said that he will immediately compose one for this special occasion. This is what Poet Laureates do, he claimed. With his kind permission I bring to you his offering. Naturally, this work is ineligible for the competition. After all, Mr B Keeper is a professional poet. Continue reading “Sir Criced”