General – Page 38 – Boadicea's Chariot

Poor Britain

I have terrible news… Long-suffering Britain has to face yet another nightmare… From Tone Bliar to Gordon Brown to David Cameron to terrible storms and floods. Now, Britain faces a crisis of even greater proportions. You may have guessed it, but I am making a return visit this summer. From the 10th to 17th August I will subject Dorset to my reign of terror. On the night of the 17th I will be secreted by the Caledonian Sleeper to Fort William before travelling south to Glasgow for a few days. Brace yourselves!

Ho Hum

Ho hum. I finished my certification to be an English teacher today. I also have a confirmed departure date from Spain of 1 December 2016 with the destination of Stockholm. Where will I be in January? Will it be Russia? Will it be Japan? Will it be Taiwan or Indonesia? Who knows.

Overrated: Midwifery

As one that has delivered a baby in an emergency I feel I have the experience to say that the profession of midwifery is not that hard to do. The midwives are credited with an assist when the breakthrough is done. This is far too much praise as all they do is dampen the expectants brow and fold and unfold towels. If the patient needs pain relief the middies simply pour gas and air down the victim’s throat.

The cutting of the cord is no big deal either. Obstetrics is not exactly the bomb squad disposal unit, is it? There’s not a multitude of wires that need cut in the correct order, there’s just the one long umbilical. The timing of the cut isn’t crucial either. The countdown clock cliché is redundant. There’s a big time frame to play with before the snip.

My participation in a childbirth was vital even if I did find that it was a simple enough job. The young girl next door was heavily pregnant and overdue. Her boyfriend came running in a panic to my house. He shouted at me, her waters have broke, she’s screaming and I don’t know what to do. Relax kid, I said, let me deal with it. I pulled up my sleeves and readied myself for the forthcoming ordeal. Continue reading “Overrated: Midwifery”

Grow a pair, Australia

I have never been so disappointed with my favourite country than I was this morning.

The background to this sorry tale is that last year one Amber Heard, current Sheila of actor Johhny Depp, smuggled two small dogs into Queensland on a private jet while he was filming for the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ franchise. Now Ozzies in general are a pretty easy going bunch, but one thing you most certainly do not do is take the rise out of their Customs and Border Protection Service, the consequences for which can be both life changing and eye-wateringly expensive.

On top of the smuggling charges charges dear Amber was also charged with submitting a false immigration declaration and pleaded guilty on all counts. However, the Queensland judge gave her a one-month good behaviour bond of 1,000 dollarooos (just over £500) with no conviction recorded. This amount is payable only if she breaks the bond (my italics).

The pair were also ordered to record a sincere apology, the result of which can be seen here True sincerity. Is it just me, or are these two taking the pish to epic levels and is there one law for s’lebs and another for ‘civilians’, as Liz Hurley once referred to those not on the red carpet?

What I do know is that some starstruck functionary in the Australian public service or the judiciary needs to grow a pair.

Welcome Back – Hands Across the M8

Those of you not fortunate enough to endure existence in Caledonia (stern and wild) under the benevolent and all-intruding rule of Wee Nippy (aka Mother Nicola) probably don’t care very much about the football-related tribal strife which has, on occasion, stained our national name.

Wow. Just wow! That’s a whole paragraph with one sentence. Mind, I’m swithering a wee bit about whether it needs a comma after ‘wild)’ and ‘Nicola)’.

Whatever! Continue reading “Welcome Back – Hands Across the M8”

Just the Right Size or Moan of the Week

In my teens, I was average height – 5 feet 2 inches. Unfortunately the world has grown around me, and I am told that I am short and the average height for a woman is now around 5 feet 5 inches. Continue reading “Just the Right Size or Moan of the Week”

Reborn in the USA

The building designers of the future have their work cut out if things carry on as they’re going. It’s all The Boss’ fault. Bruce Springsteen cancelled a concert in North Carolina over its “anti-gay” law. The state law requires people to use public toilets that correspond to the sex listed on their birth certificates. Apple, PayPal and the Bank of America are amongst others criticising the law.

Supporters of the law said allowing transgender people to choose their restroom could lead to women and children being attacked. My proposal is that the only way to please everyone is by building more toilets. The current three outlets- men, women and disabled- are clearly not enough to cater for the modern world in all its legalised eccentricities. A separate toilet for the LGBT community should be introduced. Architects will be up all night figuring out the design for that one.

It’s just not Portugal…

This post is to placate Janus.

I’ve been in Spain for over a month now. I haven’t entirely been sure what to say about it because it has made so little impression on me – and that I haven’t seen that much of it. For the first month I lived with a Spanish family in el Barrio de Salamanca, one of Madrid’s ritzier neighbourhoods. This month I am living in Usera, one of Madrid’s poorest and roughest neighbourhoods. Continue reading “It’s just not Portugal…”

The Great Vinyl Rip-Off

A slogan posted on the wall of HMV stores proclaims, in a hubristic paraphrase of the famous Buggles song “Vinyl is killing mp3s”.

Vinyl might be a murderer but it has definitely revived the fortunes of the ailing music industry. Every man, woman and his dog is flocking to HMV to buy vinyl. It’s back in Vogue and Fashion and Stylistics. The shelves are cluttered with black plastic again. A recycled Sevenfold Nightmare. I don’t understand this nostalgia trip. While disagreeing with FEEG over the hi-definition rip-off I have to admit that the CD format is superior to vinyl.

The re-emergence of vinyl is a record industry attempt to stop the file-sharing pirates that download music for free. Seeing those record covers again and reliving Glory Days is Nirvana to a lot of soul sisters and brothers, so it’s a Gimme, Gimme ,Gimme Rush for the needle players. Me, I gave most of my LPs away while retaining the coloured vinyls, bootleg albums and rare promotional issues as family heirlooms. It pays to have a Record Collector guide book handy. Like Yazz, the only way is up for these beanstalks.

While old-timers are taking longer to Knock on Heaven’s Door maybe other brands will seek to fleece the Old Sheps from their Money and Time. Betamax could tape us to the future. Sodastream might teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Another big lift-off and we will be Fooled Again by Ground Control putting another Man on The Moon.

The vinyl revolution won’t last but it has brought a memory revival of all things past; Melting tar on the road, running through clothes lines, eating blackjacks then sticking out your tongue, footie in the street, chapping doors and running away, climbing trees and falling out of trees…

Nee

Te he he. Under a new Dutch law any issue that garners at least 300,000 signatures must be put to a consultative plebiscite. Yesterday, the Dutch had the first of such votes. The matter concerned the EU-Ukraine Russia-baiting treaty. Turnout was, to be fair, relatively low — just over 32pc. The results, however, remain telling. By a margin of nearly 2-1 the Dutch, unwilling hostages of their governments’ Eurodelusions rejected the deal. Continue reading “Nee”