Author: theroyalist

The mystery of the hot house

The neighbours were complaining of the heat. The top floor apartment of the modest Forbes building was owned by Herman P. Herman and he wasn’t answering his door. It was agreed by the other occupants that the caretaker should be called. While they waited, the heat was getting worse.

The caretaker arrived with a spare set of keys. He inserted them in the lock. He did not need to turn them in the slot.

“The door’s not locked.” he said. “It must be locked from the inside. I’m going to call the police.” Continue reading “The mystery of the hot house”

Cricket is all about statistics, so’s Ireland

It’s all Eoin Morgan’s fault. He was the catalyst for this blog.

While reading an article about the talented “English” cricketer Eoin Morgan in the Cricketer magazine (I know, I know, I need to get a life) the Irish diaspora was mentioned in figures. Eoin Joseph Gerard Morgan was born in Dublin though when selected will bat in the middle order for England. Before we go any further I would like to say that Eoin is pronounced own or Owen, if you prefer. Don’t ask me to pronounce diaspora. Too many variables for a public schoolboy like me. Die-Asp-Or-A. Di-A-Spora. Is it something like aspirin? Och, I give up.

Anyway, It seems there are 70 million Irish diaspora worldwide, 34 million residing in the United States alone. Contrast this with the British expats that number 6 million worldwide. This means that the Irish abroad, if they had remained like the resolute second piggy and stayed at home the old country would have a population density to rival Bangladesh. The Irish that left definitely took the “Go forth and multiply” scripture to heart.

Another rock video post (well we were due one)

You may have guessed that I wasn’t a private school schoolboy; I’m glad about this, God knows what those luvvies got up to. On one of our non-uniform days (our public school was slighty posh as there was a dress code) at the end of term, pupils were encouraged to bring in some music and it would be hooked up to a player. Somebody brought in a Genesis LP that put us all to sleep. We were awakened by this rocker from the Destroyer album. That was the first time I’d heard this song and I still love it to this day.

GONG. In breaking Metal news, Kiss will be bringing out a new record in October of this year. World tour to follow.

Need I say it. Play it loud.

God gave us Grace

In the Golden age of Hollywood it was easy to brush scandals under the carpet. Take Rock Hudson for instance, who would have thought? Now Tippi Hedren has admitted that the married Alfred Hitchcock, who directed her in films, also made a play for her. The still lovely Hedren confirms that Hitch sexually harassed her when she was at her peak. She rebuffed him and her career hit the buffers. That’s life and life goes on.

A recent twitter poll asked a similar question to the long-running debate of best Bond girl: “Who was Hitchcock’s greatest leading lady?”. Hedren came out on top. Referee, Referee, you’ve got that all wrong. Consult your linesman. It’s got to be Grace Kelly.
Good looks, good acting, good pedigree. Got Royalist written all over her.
Continue reading “God gave us Grace”

The War Journal: And The Bands Played On

Ratty had returned from the ale house stinking of Hobgoblins. He emptied himself of his denim jacket but kept on his black muscle T-shirt. He had great affection for his T-shirt stained as it was with the bloodied sauces of defeated kebabs. It also doubled as a good night shirt. Plonking his torso down on the settee Ratty readied himself for sleep awaiting his nightly nightmare with relish.

“There’s nothing better than a good nightmare.” he said to himself. “I wonder what devil Beelzebub has put aside for me tonight?” Continue reading “The War Journal: And The Bands Played On”

Crazy Little Stamp

The Freddie Mercury stamp controversy of 1999 has reared its ugly head again. Dare I say it, FEEG with his love of all things HD has done an Enoch: he was right. Advances in science has produced new evidence that makes the original outrage a picnic by the Serpentine. Magnification techniques have revealed all.

Let me fill you in with all the dramatic events concerning the history of the first stamp scandal. Before the millennium the Royal Mail sought to introduce new stamps commemorating some of the top 100 Greatest Britons of the last 1000 years. Naturally, the lead singer of Queen was the first person chosen. Naturally. A live photograph of Freddie in his pomp bringing ballet to the masses was a delight for philatelists everywhere. The Mercury stamp was one of those that you didn’t want to lick. The problem was in the small print. Photographic print that is. Continue reading “Crazy Little Stamp”

Ibid.

It can be intimidating picking up a book of non-fiction. You’re lucky if you can find one with less than 600 pages. The sheer weight of these tomes is enough to put you off. Non-fiction books are thick. And there‘s a lot of dead wood in there.

The last 200 pages or so are filled with notes of sources. Is citing sources necessary? Why does what the writer say have to be verified? If it’s there on print I’ll take his word for it. He doesn’t need his expert pals to back him up. Because it is all back-scratching. From one book to the next all the usual suspects are roll-called in the source section.

I would hope that anything I write is taken at face value without the hard facts being questioned. Footnotes are like two left feet, they get in the way.

Raise your glass

“You’re not marrying her for her matchboxes?”

In a fortnight’s time my brother-in-law is making an honest woman of his partner and I have been chosen as the best man. This will be the third time I have been given the honour of being the “best”. Luckily, yet again, no kilts will be involved. A man in a skirt just isn’t right, now is it? Continue reading “Raise your glass”