Category: General

Late night call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied.

I’d do anything for you, dear, anything … but …

I’ve just been reading an e-mail from an old friend who is going to a wedding this weekend.

It’s an eco-wedding to be held in the open air in Scotland. But the accommodation available at this eco-hostel is either an eight-bed bunkhouse,  which might be fine if everyone is very friendly, or some sort of Swedish tent with a sleeping platform and cooking space.

It got me wondering just what my response would be if invited to such an event.  To what extent should the bride and groom impose their ideas on their guests, especially in my native land with its variable weather?  We are now accustomed to bridal parties forking out to attend ceremonies on Caribbean beaches, but at least there is generally a hotel involved.

Both our nieces in America had different weddings:  one in Tudor costume with Apache prayers, which don’t seem to have worked since they’re now divorced, and the other on the top of a hill in Colorado, which involved a fairly stiff climb.  Thankfully both were in termtime, so we had a readymade excuse.

But I think if we were invited to such an eco-friendly do, I would follow my friend’s example.  She’s insisted on staying in the nearest four-star hotel, at the risk of being considered antisocial.

Damn, this is a great country!

This morning I  went to the Benefits Office to sign my dogs up for welfare.  At first the lady  said, “Dogs  are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to  her that my dogs are  mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak  English and have no frigging clue  who their Dads are.  They expect me to feed  them, provide them with housing  and medical care.
 
So she looked in her policy book  to see what it takes to qualify.

My  dogs get their first cheques next Friday.

Dare One Hope?

This article in the DT seems to give hope to those who would like to see the UK out of the political union with EUSSR.

As one of those who was conned into voting to remain in the Common Market by promises that there was no hidden political agenda, I have been appalled by the fact that my vote has allowed, as this article says, the EU to become a kind of occupying force in the country of my birth.

As to the Chief Secretary to the Treasury’s comment:

Sadly, Eurosceptics on left and right fail to understand Winston Churchill’s central insight that sharing sovereignty strengthens influence and isolation weakens us.

Winnie must have been turning in his grave like a whirlwind during the last few decades while modern-day politicians have given away what he, and so many others, fought to retain… the sovereignty of the UK.