Beyond the gravy train

I like Cracked. Beyond funny as hell, they can be amazingly insightful. Sometimes the insights are obscured by the lulz, but sometimes they’re so clear that the only reaction can be ‘yeah, what s/he said’.

This is the latest, brand-spanking-new specimen of the latter category:

I don’t watch The Walking Dead, comics leave me indifferent, and I’ve always found Superman overrated and irritating. I’m a Star Wars fan, though, and that part says everything I could never have found the words to express myself.

14 thoughts on “Beyond the gravy train”

  1. I like this bit. “ – America’s only humor [sic] site since 1958.” And the internet was launched when, exactly?

    For the education of septics everywhere, like the French you’re never there at the time let alone before it, WWI lasted from 1914 to 1918 rather than from 1917 when you uppity colonials finally turfed up and the second world kerfuffle had been going on for two years before Pearl Harbor [sic]

    Two points: The English language has a ‘u’ in its alphabet and will you please learn how to spell and pronounce al-um-in-ium FFS!


  2. Is it that obvious, Pseu? Septics, apart from Cheech and Low Wattage (who is of Welsh origin anyway), tend to frizz my fur. Today I am particularly prickly for some reason.


  3. TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. GREETINGS. In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories – except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Her Majesty’s Government (for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed. To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1.Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    2. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed how wrong you have been all these years.

    3.The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not mature enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

    4.There is no such thing as “U.S. English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker wil be adjusted to take account will be adjusted to take account of the re-instated letter “u”.

    5.You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    6.You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1.

    7.You should stop playing American “football”. There’s only one kind of football and it is called rugby. What you call “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. Whilst in transition you should instead play Association football instead. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). You should stop playing baseball altogether. It’s not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strips, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    8.You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

    9.Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    10.July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

    11.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you a Morgan or a Noble, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    12.Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.

    13.The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”. Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    14.The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) with those of the former USA by adopting UK petrol prices, currently around 12 of your Dollars for one of your gallons. Get used to it.

    15.Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

    16.Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due – backdated to 1776.

    Thank you for your co-operation.


  4. Oz, ref #3, your yanks should stop dropping the prepositions from English verbal phrases like ‘protest against’, ‘battle with’, etc. It is irritating.

    Only one query – do we really want them back?

  5. “Only one query – do we really want them back?”

    Of course not, but they behave collectively like an immature, overgrown kid in need of Mother’s guidance. Also they have committed the cardinal sin of making truly atrocious beer which is only chilled to within an inch of its life in order to distinguish it from piss, which is warm. See the Declaration above, point 13.


  6. In addition to her normal nursing duties, the NSW has just started three weeks of private respite care, so Wolfie is out in the cold, fur stroking-wise. I need my ears tickling too and the fire has gone out.. Think I’ll go and kill something.



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