Irish Joke

One of my old mates from the Regiment just sent me this…

 

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentallycut off all 10 of his fingers… He went to the emergency room in Cork ‘s hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do’.

Paddy said, ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.”Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers?  Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2008!  We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.   I could have put dem back on and made you like new!  Why the fock didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?’

And Paddy said,  Continue reading “Irish Joke”

Newly Dead

The top floor of the building of Moss and Rose had a room the two antique dealers liked to call the Overgrown Patch. Pete Moss and Herb Rose were hard at work in OP trying to organise the unwanted clutter into some semblance of order. A table was littered with dozens of copies of Shakespeare first folios. To give them some work space, Pistol Pete, with a sweeping backhand toppled the books to the floor creasing the pages. Managing to survive this manuscript massacre was a key. It sparkled amidst the dust on the table.

“Any idea what this key is for, Pete?”

“I’ve not seen that before. I wonder how long the key’s been there and more importantly what it’s for.” Continue reading “Newly Dead”

I’m with the French, for once

Advancing against the Haka - £2,500 fine from the IRB

Who are these boofheads running the IRB?

As all you Rugby types will already know, Les Bleus have been fined for linking arms and walking towards the Kiwis while they were doing their nuts – sorry, doing the Haka.   Makes a change from the French running for cover and eating cheese.   I wouldn’t have known about this, had not the Brisbane Times article caught my eye (click on the piccie to read it).   You’ll find that 98% of the Aussies reading it – some 8,300 – think that they shouldn’t have been fined, and the comments indicate that it’s time New Zealand grew up and stopped enforcing unfair rules on other teams.

Ban the Haka!

A Match made in Heaven: Short Story Competition.

Scene One: Castel Sant’Angelo, the Library.

He looked at Simon, the picture of despair, his elbows resting on the other side of the desk, his head in his hands.

What the hell are you going to do, Simon? It’s make your mind up time, I need some sleep. Are you going to marry her or what? Frankly, it’s a bit bloody late in the day to be having this conversation. We’re supposed to be at the church in precisely seven hours.


Ed, I just wanted to be normal, you know, not the target for stupid jokes from bigoted nutters. Jesus, I haven’t done it since I was seventeen. Do you know what that feels like? Always hiding, pretending to be something I’m not.  Look, Edward, just give me the bloody key; this may be my last chance!

Edward shook his head sadly as Simon just groaned again and poured himself another brandy. Edward took the key from the desk, opening the windows and raising his eyebrows, stood clear, and tried again to get through to his brother.

Who was it said “The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.”. Just don’t do anything stupid, and I really think you should tell Kate if you are determined to go through with this. It’s her life too, you know.

Oscar Wilde? Simon responded automatically.

No, I can’t let her go and I can’t …

Simon hurled the glass in the direction of the fireplace , unfurled his wings and flew slightly unsteadily out of the open window. Continue reading “A Match made in Heaven: Short Story Competition.”

Lucky tracks

Luck seems to follow me everywhere. Today in Tractor World as I was about to buy a packet of tractor Top Trump cards alarms started hooting and confetti fell from the skies. It turned out I was the 1,000,000th customer. Managers surrounded me, flash bulbs took my photo and I was told I had won a prize.
A week’s free hire of a tractor. Continue reading “Lucky tracks”