Category: General

Peter Dawson

The Road to Kabul Runs Through Kashmir – By Ahmed Rashid | Foreign Policy.

U.S. thinking on Pakistan is just as muddled as ever…

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. Continue reading “I should be conscripted.”

• The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
• Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.
• Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other: “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.” Continue reading “Groaners”

No one is listening until you fart.

Goodnight everyone, sleep well.

As the clock struck 11am, the nation paused to silently mark the anniversary of Armistice Day, when peace returned to Europe at the end of the First World War.
But in London the solemn moment was marred by a small group of protesters calling themselves Muslims Against Crusades, who burned a model of a poppy and chanted “British soldiers burn in hell”.
They held banners which read “Islam will dominate” and “Our dead are in paradise, your dead are in hell”.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Article/201011115799794

The proposed benefit reforms put me in mind of a doomed ship heading for the rocks, on the bridge the wheel is spinning, intercoms are buzzing, levers are being pulled, but the bridge is disconnected from the rest of the ship. If, as I understand, the Government is placing its faith in the existing staff of employment offices to exercise their judgement as to whom should lose out: forget it. Little Miss Molly is never going to take responsibility for stopping Bert Gutbusting’s benefit, not in a month of Sundays. Little Miss Molly may be prepared to face Bert’s anger, and that of his kinfolk, despite living in the same town, but is she able to swim against the long established culture of the service?

To have a prayer of making the scheme work, the Government has to change the culture of the employment service at the coalface and, even then, it will be necessary to employ hard-nosed specialists to confront Bert and sort him out.

A second problem lies in the notion that benefits will be threatened for those who refuse job offers. Who thought that one up? Over forty years ago I was recruiting workers for a Manchester manufacturing company. We had restructured the shift system and needed a number of workers. I still remember the bloke who made not the slightest pretence of wanting a job. “Just sign the form, will you boss? That shows I’ve attended.” I signed because we clearly didn’t want him near the factory, but I telephoned the employment office to report him. I know not what action they took, if any. Other less bold souls took the job, but their employment did not last more than a few weeks. It is not the employer’s role to keep deadbeats off the street, or to act as a policeman for the service.

Finally, I wonder whose nerve will break first when Bert’s kids are found begging in the street.

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to
ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next,
Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

In view of yesterdays outbreak of violence at the Millbank HQ of the Conservative party has anyone considered the coincidence of a Government telling the police that they must cut manpower and then having their HQ trashed by a student demo because there were not enough police on duty to stop it?

What better way to bring it home to those in power, ‘sorry guv, we just did not have enough officers to prevent it, by the way, how are the propsed cuts in the police force progressing minister’?

The commissioner has announced an enquiry and a few officers may twist in the wind for a bit but seeing as the police usually turn out in force when a few pensioners threaten a shuffle in, it seems to strain incredulity to suggest that this was ‘just a bit of a cock up’. I bet Cameron et al are hastily reviewing the plan to cut the fuzz.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog… able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is… ***

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition…..£200 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last month, wife knows everything.