Thoughts of tofu on the pet hates blog reminds me of the most dreadfully funny story from my youth.
Tofu always makes me think of the below tale, hence my total aversion to treating it as a legitimate foodstuff.
Once upon a time a long, long time ago I had a boyfriend who was the first mate on an oil tanker in the Shell fleet. He was the son of a city lawyer and had not wanted to follow his father’s footsteps, so literally ran away to sea. I gather they were pretty old school, with many of the senior officers being ex Royal Navy at the time. They still took on midshipmen to train who were allowed to use the officers wardroom.
A new batch was taken on periodically, several at a time. The day they were due to arrive, a condom mysteriously appeared on the wardroom notice board filled with suspiciously milky fluid. (From the description it sounded like unset tofu to me!!!) The new arrivals were duly welcomed and during the evening one of the junior officers wandered up to the board, unpinned the condom, stuck his finger in the liquid, tasted it, licked his finger well and repinned the condom on the board. Nobody else took any notice so the new midshipmen strove not to notice either, carefully looking elsewhere.
Every evening the procedure was repeated. Nobody said a word, nobody looked, everyone carried on as normal.
Came the day! the officer unpinned the condom, tasted it as usual, turned and declared to the assembled company that it was ready at last, lifted it like a wineskin and consumed the contents. Several of the midshipmen vomited on the spot, a couple made the lavatories.
The officers laughed their heads off, got out their wallets and paid off the bets as to how many would vomit and where!
It was condensed milk, carefully replaced every evening when the kids had gone to bed! I have to admit that prank nearly 50 years old still amuses me vastly.
A footnote to Nick, the boyfriend of a couple of years when he was in port, ever the gentleman, he called me from Amsterdam to tell me he had the clap just a few days after he had shipped out. He thought he had had it from a whore in Hull before embarkation but was not sure so please to go and get checked out!!!!!! I was so thunderstruck that I did not really speak much, but after a pleasant afternoon at St Mary’s clap house (aka STD clinic) in Paddington. (Now there is an education for you!) the next time he wrote he got the “Thank you, but no Thank you!” Pity, he was a fun guy.
Needless to say, the associations of tofu render it completely beyond human consumption in my book!! Perhaps everyone should have a mandatory afternoon at St Mary’s, it would render most to be far more fastidious in future I guarantee!