Category: General

Fellow Charioteers, please allow me a small rant of a laughable nature. I shall try to be brief, but would be interested in any similar ludicrous examples if you have any!

No.1 daughter needed a new passport for her holiday to Tenerife next week – not surprisingly as a 15 year old she left getting the photos until the last minute thus meaning I had to make an appointment and attend the delightful rural backwater of Peterborough where there’s a regional passport office on a day off. Ho hum, I don’t mind wasting a day off for her, that’s what parents do, apparently. Continue reading “Queueing – Only in England!”

The original content of this post was removed by the author to avoid giving further exposure to a likely fake letter. Apologies are extended to the site owners for not confirming the veracity of the letter and making what was proved to be an unsupportable critique of the management’s diligence.

A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..”

“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”

Hot. Damn hot. And sticky. I came home from work and had a cool shower: the car gets so very hot when journeys are short and there’s often nowhere to park in the shade outside each visit.  Showered and changed I sat down with the office window open.
About half an hour ago I heard splashes: huge wet drops falling on dry leaves. I looked out to see the tarmac blackening and then the drift of sulphurous  Summer rain came up to the window. At first just a few drops, which stopped… then a while later a heavier fall, enough to make puddles.It’s still hot, but less sticky.

Leaf of the passionfruit vine: I had to trim this monster at the weekend.

We’ve had some lovely days: lots of gardening done, meals outdoors and windows flung wide at night.I’m loving it.
What’s the weather like with you?

Well here’s a word that you don’t hear everyday.

But I, of course, heard it today and simply had to share.

So what is it?

A) An unsuccessful South American cocaine smuggler . (Currently serving a jail sentence at the pleasure of the U.S. department of justice)

B) A figure of speech

C) The latest craze in slippers

D) A menu item from that very famous Spanish restaurant that closed it’s doors yesterday.

Continue reading “Paraprosdokian”

While I was away on holiday this summer, my flat underwent a few renovations.

Though I had expected things to be a bit different when I returned, the state in which my tiny urban residence had been left was somewhat shocking to me. Chairs, art posters, and books were all thrown on my bed. Dust was everywhere, the builder made no effort at all in cleaning up after himself.

Even the work that he did was lacking. He had put a type of foam tape around the door opening to the garden, but had closed it before the new paint had fully dried. Much of it tore when I opened the door the first time. In his haste, he had also managed to get paint on my mattress.   Though these things did make me question his attention to details, it was not enough to displease me greatly.

There was one thing which, however, did sour my mood a bit. Though most of my furniture is admittedly cheap, the intent being to have something which would only be used for a couple years, I did buy one nice piece of furniture, an antique Japanese wardrobe. It’s a lovely, well-built piece which was made between 1910-1920. For some queer reason, the builder decided to stick a paper pin on top of it, leaving a nasty hole and taking out a small piece of woof.

My landlady will explain the situation to him, something which will become senselessly complicated as the man only bloody speaks Chinese. I admit that my mood is a bit sour about the entire affair, and I intend to seek compensation for damage done to the wardrobe, which under California law he is obligated to pay.

I arrived at work today and sat at my desk drinking my coffee, when I decided it was rather hot in the room so I went to open the window. Looking across the flat roof I noticed something adrift. Half a roof rather than a complete roof in front of me.

Overnight the scum in Orpington had decided to help themselves to half off our lead roof and scarpered. Being a dutiful soul I called Mr Plod on the new 101 number for non emergencies.

After an 8 minute wait a human of sorts answered the call and took all the details. I was then called back for extra info, date of birth (??) ethnicity which I declined to answer to then be asked the reason for the info is to ascertain if it is a racist attack. I informed him that I did consider it to be a racist attack as I am a white, hetro-sexual male who works and pays tax and that the perpetrators where most probably the pikey scum bags that live around Orpington (the biggest pikey settlement in the UK) and who are all on benefit and scour the area to steal.

He informed me that my attitude was wrong and that I should not say such things.

I still consider it a racist attack but Mr Plod doesn’t. Ho Hum such is life.