theroyalist

For my next trick

My friend had started a new job and he had taken to it like a smudge on a Polaroid print. All his colleagues are a good laugh and relations are great in the workforce, he said. The camaraderie is such that they spend a lot of their leisure time together as well. They had planned an evening out at a posh hotel. They were always going places and meeting up. Eager to meet these funny, interesting individuals I asked if I could come along.

“But you don’t know anyone,” said my friend “ You’ll just be sitting in the corner laughing at all the jokes.” Continue reading “For my next trick”

Death of a Mackerel

All of the following is true. Just so you know.

Not once in my life have I ever gone fishing. I just don’t see the point in it; fishing means as much to me as rugby or golf or gardening. My son’s future father-in-law is a devoted fisherman and a very nice man. We have lots in common and have always got on like a house on fire. At get-togethers we’re as close as clams. Umpteen times he has asked me if I would like to angle with him. After giving him the old Harvey Smith gesture and behaving like a stubborn show jumping horse by pulling up before the fence- refusal, refusal, I relented and agreed to go fishing for the one time with the proviso that I might go back for more if it were my cup of coffee. Continue reading “Death of a Mackerel”

Mules to the Slaughter

The latest development in the case of the British girls caught smuggling in Peru has a sinister twist. The girls claim that they were forced at gunpoint if they didn’t go ahead with the transportation. Their families were also targeted as the bandits said they had their home addresses on file. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/10240751/British-drug-mules-claim-they-were-forced-at-gunpoint-to-carry-cocaine-by-Colombian-gang.html

I’m not sure how this will wash with the Peruvian authorities. No doubt, their jails are full of foreign drug smugglers that say they were set up.

Never in a million years, not for all the money in the world would I ever contemplate running through customs with illegal narcotics and I‘m positive I can vouch that everyone else here is of the same mind. The only experience I have of overseas jails (I don’t have any of British jails either, in case you were asking) is through TV shows like Banged Up Abroad and stuff like that. As it’s TV you don’t know if they are deliberately making them out to be worse than they are. The newspapers are printing that the conditions in their Peruvian cells are harsh and unclean. Other reports state that the gangsters might get to the girls in jail to stop them from testifying. Possibly, this could be why the girls are on hunger strike to avoid being poisoned.

The late Pablo Escobar only used a courier once and once only. The mule had only one shot at the title before the crime baron employed a new runner. It’s high stakes and there’s winners and losers in the drug game. There are no such thing as draws as those languishing in the abyss will tell you.

Lullaby with a Y

When children are knee-high to a grasshopper it is customary for responsible parents to put their babies to sleep with relaxing stories or music or to hum to them. After exhausting my supply of exhilarating tractor tales (and this was long before Bob the Builder, by the way) it was evident that sleep was not on the agenda for the offspring. The only thing for it was to sing to them. The following song always done the trick for my boys. I got the feeling they fell asleep so I wouldn’t sing any more songs. The vocalist in the video sings a wee bit better than me.

Kiss and Tell

The bachelors and the divorced like to boast of their success with the opposite sex. The happily married men amongst us let them rattle on, fascinated and abhored at the same time and, with a degree of envy. As the stories get more and more descriptive the marrieds separate from the conquistadors and remove themselves to the quietest part of the pub, commonly known as the rugby corner. Over here we amuse ourselves by making variations on the famous Paul Newman quote “Why go out for a burger when there’s steak at home?” Continue reading “Kiss and Tell”

A little diversion for the afternoon

One of the worst things in life is listening to other people’s ailments. Getting told the latest medical report from folk you barely know can be galling for a number of reasons. For one, it’s hard to be witty when someone you’re not that familiar with is giving you a car crash headache and another is that you’re suffering this barrage of bad news while trying to smokescreen a yawn. The perpetual groaners seem to revel in their pain. I’ve seen myself locked, piggy-in-the-middle, in a sickness session ménage à trois conversation with two swinging whingers trying to outdo each other in the illness stakes. The contest seemed to be who is the nearest to death’s door.

The only thing worse than hearing about the dooms and glooms of others is when someone tells you about the dream they had last night. In the name of Bobby Ewing, go away. Dreams are insignificant and instantly forgettable. I can’t remember any dream I’ve ever had and I must have had billions of them. Continue reading “A little diversion for the afternoon”

Song of the Day

Barring a collapse by England, it’s a draw.

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In other news, it’s easy to forget that Robert Plant is a great vocalist.

Sharknado

Sharknado! Not one of my creations but it should be. I’ll just copy out the brief tantaliser from IMDB.

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.

That’s right, it’s raining sharks and this made for TV thriller is coming to the Syfy channel next week. With bated breath I can’t wait to watch the ridiculous CGI, corny dialogue and lashings of over acting from the “actors” in their death scenes. Call me Ishmael if you want sometimes a B-movie can be that bad it’s good. To join in the swing of things I’ll be watching Sharknado harnessed on the couch with my harpoon gun at the ready. Continue reading “Sharknado”

Latest from Iran

There were cause for double celebrations in the Islamic republic of Iran last month. The Iranian Presidential election was won by the moderate Hassan Rouhani. Campaigning on limited government and equal rights for women it was a shock result. The wider world awaits in expectation that Rouhani delivers on another promise that he can settle longstanding questions about Iran’s nuclear program. Let’s hope there will be a new era of peace. Continue reading “Latest from Iran”

“He got a gun. He got a gun. Everybody’s got guns!”

Generalisations are frowned upon yet it has come to my attention that Charioteers are adventurous, erudite and, more than likely, good looking. They are the full package or as B. Keeper would say, the bees knees. Not for them the boring small screen or trivialities, therefore in a fit of Gerard Pique, I will assail them with the small screen and trivialities. Continue reading ““He got a gun. He got a gun. Everybody’s got guns!””