Author: oldmovieguy

BAILING OUT THE IRISH – SIMPLE

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

I’m cooking for MrsOMG on Saturday night and I need an answer to this question. ‘How long can a chicken be safely frozen for’?

Any help would be appreciated.

OMG

In view of yesterdays outbreak of violence at the Millbank HQ of the Conservative party has anyone considered the coincidence of a Government telling the police that they must cut manpower and then having their HQ trashed by a student demo because there were not enough police on duty to stop it?

What better way to bring it home to those in power, ‘sorry guv, we just did not have enough officers to prevent it, by the way, how are the propsed cuts in the police force progressing minister’?

The commissioner has announced an enquiry and a few officers may twist in the wind for a bit but seeing as the police usually turn out in force when a few pensioners threaten a shuffle in, it seems to strain incredulity to suggest that this was ‘just a bit of a cock up’. I bet Cameron et al are hastily reviewing the plan to cut the fuzz.

Last night I had one of those vivid dreams that you awaken from convinced that the events have taken place. I dreamt I had joined the British Army (hence the pic, that’s not me but the sort of thing I used to drive in the RASC  (TA)

The strange thing is that I knew in the dream that I was 64, married to Mrs OMG and working in the job that I have now. But there I was, getting kitted out in my uniform, chatting to the other recruits, skylarking about and generally behaving as I did back in 1963. The other part of the dream was that I kept wandering off and getting lost on this huge military base, which I can see now in my minds eye as if it actually existed.

I don’t read anything into this and I’m not looking for any wierd explanation,  just opening up a blog which says the mind is a strange and beautiful thing the workings of which we can only wonder at.

Don’t have an iPad? Feel that life is passing you by? Envious of shakers and movers who flaunt them on trains and buses?

Then despair no more, help is at hand. A well known East End sporting personality has obtained a job lot of iPads from various sources within the Greater London Transport Network and is able to offer them at rock bottom prices. This offer is only available for a limited time until more stock reaches the lock up in Hoxton.

All iPads come with a lifetime warranty which is limited to the life of the iPad, when it croaks the lifetime warranty croaks with it. No refunds will be entertained and all purchases are subject to  Bethnal Green law, It’s like Shariah law but more violent and personal.

To take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer be at the ‘Blind Beggar’ public house in the Commercial Road, EC1, today between 12 noon and until stocks run out or the rozzers turn up.

Cash only, no cheques or credit cards, 15% handling charge for cash. Be part of the new genaration of technocrats, get switched on and get fitted up today, well and truly fitted up.

Please note that the management are not responsible for any content that may be found on the iPad you are sold today. This has come about because of the rigerous ‘pre owned testing procedure’ that has been carried out by the public tester who gave your iPad a ‘test drive’ before you got it.

The aformentioned warranty supplied does not compromise your human rights but in the event of a consumer dispute a visit fromt two of our consumer relations consultants may compromise your health.

Continue reading “Oh Brave New World (October Writing Competition)”

Why are OMGs comments like London buses?
You wait ages for one and then three arrive together.

Apart from ‘Bugger Bognor’,  ‘They will never hit me from here’  and ‘What the fu**, I wondered what you would choose to use as your last words on Earth, always assuming you had time and breath to utter something.

At the recent hearings in the US to discuss the BP oil disaster a woman in the crowd screamed a protest and asked what the Queen of England was doing about it.

Changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace in the wake of September 11th

This is how I choose to portray myself to the world on this site and with this in mind I have a question for you all. My eldest daughter has just discovered the delights of ‘Skype’ as a close friend of hers has just moved abroad to work and they can keep in touch using the video version of Skype so they can see each other while they chat, at no charge as it comes via Broadband on the PC or Mac. We have used it a few times and found it to be very good, seeing the Grandkids and Mrsoldmovie’s brother in Cyprus as two examples. Now it occurs to me that we all rub along pretty well on this site and I’m sure there is a programme out there in software land that would enable us all to ‘video chat’ on some giant conference call type facility….but would you want to? Would the magic melt in a flash as you literally come face to face with reality, could you bear the shock of having your hopes dashed as the stark truth is revealed in the form of a pot bellied, wrinkled, scarred, cauliflower eared, bloodshot eyed apparition looming and leering out of the screen in front of you, and some of the men on here could be just as bad! As the Stones once sang, ‘Be careful what you wish for”.