It was more a case of save your money for God’s sake than art for arts sake that I suggested to my good friend, Chibber, we explore an art gallery rather than paint the town red, white and blue in a drinking establishment. This was, of course, pre-covid days.
At first hesitant by my complicated and sophisticated reasoning, rolling my Rs and elongating my Es, I could see my brainwashing was working and he agreed to enter the Chamber of Magical Dreams. Think he thought he was going to Disneyland.
The first painting we saw was a masterpiece by Van Gogh. An oil on canvas self portrait that oozed Absinthe and perfectly captured the inner turbulence of a haunted figure that spawned the best-selling book- Cutting off of Ears for Dafties.
I’ve heard many pronunciations of the Dutch master’s name. Silenting the gh, I’ve heard Van Go. Doesn’t go, does it? Van Gock! They mock. Revolutionary young Czechs of the New World even utter Van Goaf. For me, it will always be the same as King Richard – Van Gough (rhymes with toff).
While I was lost in this labyrinthine world of different vans Chibber stood transfixed by the painting, not moving, still as a life. He’s finally got it. At last I have awakened him to a cultural adventure that has stimulated his brain and made an impression on him. I let him concentrate and sink into the myriad colours and perceptions of the picture.
“It’s got a nice frame.” he said.
He was right, it did have a nice frame. We moved on. Ahead of us was the gin-soaked Hogarth section. As usual, there were a huge crowd of admirers. They are quite abundant in this locality. They are known as the Willie Hogs. Their devotion borders on the side of lunacy. When we passed, their supreme leader was engaged in one of their call and response rituals with the faithful frazzled followers.
Hoggy, Hoggy, Hoggy
HOI, HOI, HOI
Hoggy
HOI
Hoggy
HOI
Hoggy, Hoggy, Hoggy
HOI, HOI, HOI
Next up was a marvellous collection of sculptures. Of all the various visual arts I would carve a spot at the top of the tree for these molders of material. From chips they create feasts, treats, suppers of sorcery. Chibber addressed these magnificent dishes with his marble heart.
“Thought you said this was an art gallery? What are these statues doing in here?” Before I could answer he was off on a flight of fancy.
“Is it to stop the pigeons landing on them? Good idea. Dada!”
“Any Tony Hart in here?” no.
“What about Neil Buchanan?” no.
“Bob Ross?” no.
“Ah well, nothing else for it. Let’s go for a Salavdor Dali.” *
Fin.
* Salvador Dali is Scotch rhyming slang for Swally. It means getting blind drunk. I’m sure the Willie Hogs would approve.
HOI HOI HOI
Boadicea's Chariot 
Art’s a Tart comes to mind when reading your amusing tour de force, or you don’t need a thousand words a paint a picture. Hmm whatever. Good to see you TR.
Nice to hear from you, Araminta. Hope all is well for you and your family. Give my regards to Bilby.
Haw JW
Salvador Dali only works in Weegie patois, rhyming-slang-wise as you well know. Over here, on the sophisticated Eastern side of our mutual country, we use ‘Simon Callow’ We are utterly couth to youse yins, by comparison, but ’tis ever thus, to be fair.
Moving on, and could everbody else on the Chariot please skip lightly over this paragraph? I am incandescent that the Unmentionables are getting away with all of their nonsense and their blatant denial of the paedophilia which has been part of their proud Club for far too long . Moving on again, I accept that we might have to get relegated (and probably deserve it). I do not believe that the Jags deserve that fate. And I believe that Doncaster deserves to rot in Hell for Eternity.
Talking of Dali, and to be fair to your neck of the woods, I have to admit that the ‘Christ of St John of the Cross’ in Kelvingrove is kind of mind-blowing.
Regards to you, Ara, Bilby and every other Charioteer.
Dear TR and Mr.Mackie
Bilby and I much appreciate your kind regards. We are both well, and send our fond regards and best wishes to you both .
Hoi JM, Im still swivering over whether Callow and swallow are compatible, rhyme-wise. You may have Van Goughed me with that one.
On the “Redemption” post I was thinking about mentioning the unmentionables but I never speak about them. However, seeing that you’ve brought it up…
It is a disgrace that no major media or press outlet (Sunday times insight/ Boston Globe etc.) has investigated the crimes, denials and cover ups from that football club. It is a crime of the century case. The authorities in Scotland obviously want nothing to do with it. If that many people were convicted at a children’s hospital, for example, it would have been closed down until a full enquiry was completed. That institution has nothing to be proud of
In closing, wishing everyone good health wherever you are locked down.