Germany is not a civilised country. Disregard the arguments many make to the contrary. Germany is, again, not to be considered a civilised country. Germany cannot be considered a civilised country because it is lacking in the three key requirements for being considered a civilised country: aged cheddar cheese, proper tea and a functional postal service.
The importance of the first requirement cannot be overstated. How does one survive without a steady supply of aged cheddar? I simply do not know. Recently, in my Hun-induced reduced living conditions, circumstances have obliged me to become more frugal in culinary habits. As the weather grows chiller I have started making more soups. Herb and dumpling soup, yeast soup, pumpkin and courgette soup, etc. One soup I have not been able to make is the humble, honest Cheshire soup. Potatoes, carrots and aged cheddar are the three primary ingredients. On more than one occasion I have embarked on a perilous journey in the search of the Holy Cheddar only to return as successfully as I did from my Measuring Spoon Saga.
Of course, I was able to find two cheddar-like cheeses. The first is a sage-infused cheese from Derbyshire. Similar in texture to cheddar, it lacks the zest and depth. The average Hun consumer unable to discern the difference between cheddar-like cheeses, much less the difference between a proper Sage Derby and this tasteless clone, is simply content to eat a cheese that is green, yet not quite expired. The other cheddar-like cheese available in Hunistan is young, orangey Irish cheddar. The taste is similar to stale-cheese flavoured cardboard with a texture similar to a poorly-stored candle original to Miss Havisham’s wedding banquet. I may have to resort to buying several pounds of cheddar in England.
The lack of proper tea in Germany is a human rights violation that should be submitted to the European Union, NATO, United Nations, the NSA and Mi6. Of course, there are some “teas” for sale and when asked, Huns will advise on where to find their favourite “teas”. Usually these “teas” are infusions. Of course, if one is in the mood for an infusion they are acceptable. Still, they are not “teas”. When pressed, they will inform on the location of their actual teas. For the most part these teas only share the names of actual teas – Assam, Darjeeling, Earl Grey, etc. When prepared they taste like the stale bath water of a tea plantation employee. During my period of asylum at or noble wolf’s cave I was able to find P&G Tips. Subsequently after returning to my blessed and beloved natal country, which has grown almost as high in my estimation as the much-esteemed USA, I have found a regular supply of P&G Tips at the Thai, Chinese and African grocers. My mum, upon returning to Hunland later this week, will bring me a box of Yorkshire Gold to help hold me over until November when I can buy a few stone of tea in England. This point is lost on my Hunnish compatriots entirely.
Germany also lacks a functioning postal service. While most Huns are sceptical about my previous two complaints, every Hun who has yet had the honour and pleasure of my companionship has agreed that Germany does, in fact, lack a proper postal service. Of course there is an organisation that pretends it is a postal service. These charlatans who name themselves “Deutsche Post” have all the efficiency of Indian officials, all the competence of an Italian mechanic and all the integrity of a high-ranking Zimbabwean government official. Rumours circulate that somewhere in the misty depths of Hunland’s ancient history there was an organisation named “Deutsche Bundespost” that was actually efficient, fast and competent but few under 50 have any real memories of it. I am fully convinced than a crippled, half-senile kangaroo would do a better job of it. In just over two months “Deutsche Post” have either returned or lost eight letters and/or packages. Making both Royal Mail and the United States Postal Service look competent and the embodiments of efficiency, these charlatans should hang their heads in shame for the mendacity of trying to hoodwink the population into believing that they are a postal service.