Epic (September poetry competition)

Now for something completely different. This month’s poetry competition will follow in the footsteps of the Epic poems of the past. Think Odyssey, Think Inferno. Think Paradise Lost. OK, enough thinking. The title is Earth, subtitled stranger visits third rock from the sun.

An alien, let’s call him Marvin, has landed on Earth. He is met by Ferdinand Magellan, an immortal who still lives in our present times (poetic license and all that). The circumnavigator agrees to take Marvin on a tour of this planet. Authors are invited to submit poems on the various places FM thinks will interest the foreigner. This could be a country (Latvia), a sports ground or arena (the WACA/ Royal Albert Hall), a breed of cattle (Texas Longhorn). The world is your oyster, you decide. They don’t have to be fun poems, a little bit of tragedy adds to the mix.

Multiple entries are most welcome and can be in any format. Dialogue and blank verse will be accepted, this is an Epic after all. Don’t worry about the continuity of the poems vis-à-vis locations, it’s not like in Ferdinand’s day, Marvin has a space ship so the duo can zap from one side of the globe to the other, swiftly.

I suggest poems are published separately and linked to this page. This gives readers the chance to comment on the individual entries. At the bottom of this post I will copy the entries and the huge Epic poem will grow. In a further twist from the norm I hope no one minds if I contribute a poem or two of my own. Naturally, after the closing date I won’t vote myself the winner!

Closing date: Midnight UK time, Friday 27th September.

Earth
stranger visits third rock from the sun

dull drunken tourists sway and stare
along the brash bare-breasted boulevard

deep purple doored on Place Pigalle my own
brocaded boudoir’s broad divan du monde

we sip encore un verre de vin
is this the coda? you say oui

and who should care? who sees you leave
but for another faceless paying guest?

And then did bold Magellan cry,
‘Marvin let’s straitways Westward hie.
The sinking sun we’ll there espy,
With sights to sadden any eye.

To Weegieland we’ll wend our way,
Where Hell on Earth is on display.
A blighted spot in full decay,
Thence Hope has fled. Despair holds sway.

The streets with thronging Weegies burst,
In anti-Embra vitriol versed.
And yet their hearts still fear the worst,
They know they’re cursed.

They’ll try to claim they’ve got the patter,
But all they have is idle chatter,
Their boasts fall flat, their jokes fall flatter,
In truth, they really don’t much matter.

Then, drenched in gloom, you’ll gladly flee,
To Embran Heaven speed with glee.
Castle and Town will welcome thee,
Providing you’ll have had your tea.’

Some talk of Alexandria and of Herculaneum,
Of Hexham and Lyme Regis
And of such great names as them.
But of all the world’s great hang-outs
There’s none you’ll choose from yours
Like yon heather and t’ becks, like t’ sheep and like t’ pubs
Of the God-giv’n Yarkshire Moors

In the distance
Bells
Church bells
Church bells ringing
“It’s a wedding” said Magellan
“What’s a wedding? asked Marvin
“It‘s when a man and a woman join together on holy matrimony”
“But it’s two men. What is all this baloney?”

Ferdy pulled out his telescope from his hip
And sure enough, it was a civil partnership
Hoping the tourist wouldn’t object
He changed the subject

“I’ve got Straits named after me” said Magellan
“Marvin is not gay” said Marvin
“I didn’t say you were”
“You’re bumping your gums about how straight you are.”

And then the Limo with the happy couple passed
Beer cans were jingling from its bumper
The bride or the groom, Who knows? Blew Marvin a kiss
The alien bit his lip and didn’t lose his temper

Boadicea’s Chariot, Boadicea’s Chariot
Cyberspace’s answer to Baden Powell’s brigade!
We’ve got cubs and we’ve got brownies
And growed-up scouts – and girl-guides too.
We are the stuff of which glory is made!

Once upon a time we chatted oop at t’Big House
And some of us left, some were booted right out!
But we followed the Bear
(Does he do it? Yes, of course he does!) –
We’re cherished and we know it and we all proudly shout:

Hello, Marvin, this is Earth,
Of intelligence here,
There is a dearth.
Some say here that CO2
Will warm the place
And land us in the poo.

We have guys here
called politicians
Who everyone has learned to fear
They lie and cheat and defraud
They are all a horrible crew
They talk until we all get bored

So if I were you I would
Turn your spaceship round
If by any chance you could
Unblock your venturi
Fire your rockets and
Go back to Alpha Centauri!

I like Kofi, you like Ki
We both like se-cur-i-tee!

Light blue hats at border posts
They’re the troops we love the most!

When the shells begin to fly
They’re off home – no fond good-bye!

I like Kofi, you like Ki
We both like se-cur-i-tee!