The right wing journal, Standpoint Magazine, has two monthly features written by different columnists entitled Overrated and Underrated. These essays highlight the good points and bad points of various political and historical figures. I don’t do politics so I’ll pass on that one, Magnus; I’ll stick to the low brow. Other Charioteers are invited to indulge in over/under rated articles of their own. It would be interesting to read of their heroes and villains and could bring about lively debate.
The first person I would like to deride is Joan Collins. Debuting on the stage at the age of nine, Joan Collins has been in show business for over sixty years. Two things about her longevity have puzzled me: her poor acting skills and her plain looks. Both of these shortcomings are interlinked.
Short sighted producers -or was it casting couch directors- saw fit to give Collins the same role all the time. That of the sexy vamp. Lacking the charisma of Elizabeth Taylor or the stunning good looks of Marilyn Monroe, I didn’t feel any attraction for Collins whatsoever. Even when she was young and in her prime she had a witchlike look about her. This was an ugly duckling that didn’t improve.
With Hollywood flush with better actresses and better looking actresses I’m amazed that Collins wasn’t dumped by the system in her early days. Instead her reputation as a glamorous woman has grown over the years in inverse proportion to her skills or looks. She was bad and she got worse.
With her career flagging in the seventies, the decade not her age, JC had to turn to her sister, the novelist Jackie Collins to revitalise it. Jackie Collins. Now there’s a woman. We’re in a whole different ballpark here. Jackie Collins is to Joan Collins what Christopher Hitchens is to Peter Hitchens.
The two films that boosted Collins’ profile were based on Jackie’s books. These were the soft core classics: The Stud and The Bitch. Naturally, I haven’t watched any of these. Though I am told that Joan Collins is attired in stockings and suspenders. Does that not make her attractive, you may ask? This is beside the point, even Nurse Gladys Emmanuel would look appealing in lingerie. Especially to the shop keeper, A-A-A-Arkwright.
What really angered me was that Joan Collins starred in two episodes of Tales of the Unexpected. These low budget dramas were written by the great storyteller, Roald Dahl. The tales enticed the cream of British acting -and Collins- to take part. The two roles Collins got were as sexy vamps. ARRGGHH. Surely you can’t keep fooling all of the people all of the time.
An aside to this is that in my early days of MYT I got in a spat with a blogger called Stella, which may or may not have been her real name. Our argument was over the merits of Roald Dahl’s stories and Anton Chekhov’s. I’m not into self promotion so I won’t provide the link but it’s in the MYT archive somewhere. My tussle with Stella rolled over into 3 or 4 of my other blogs before she flounced. Stella for star.
The least said about Dynasty the better. Oh well, just one thing. By this time it was apparent to me, if obviously not to Aaron Spelling, that Collins should have been wearing a hood over her head.
About the best thing Collins appeared in was the Cinzano Bianco adverts with Leonard Rossiter. Famous at the time, these ads would see the lecherous/clumsy Rossiter spill his drink onto the cleavage of Collins. Yet again she had made more mileage out of her body. Rossiter, on looking at the kisser of Collins would almost certainly have wished he was splashing around with Miss Jones instead.
Boadicea's Chariot 
Tend to agree with you, her work was pretty lowbrow, not my sort of entertainment personally. She always looked so hitched and stitched which renders them quite expressionless, sort of plastic facsimile of a human!
Do you remember that awful woman Angie Dickinson? She was OK at first but had so much plastic surgery that one was fearful that it was going to end up with her nipples on her shoulder blades!
The ‘sister brides of Wildenstein’ give me the total creeps!
My standard explanation for the commercial success of such non starters has always been the uncharitable attribution of warts on the tongue! (Courtesy of husband MkII and he got around quite sufficiently to be an expert on the subject.)
Thanks for the laugh of the day!
Happy New Year, Christina.
Yes I do remember AD when she was Police Woman. My dad liked her but I agree with you, Angie was a bit plain. Modifications don’t help at all. I can’t fathom why any one would want plastic surgery or tattoos for that matter. Me, I don’t even go out in the sun for a tan. That is, of course, if we had a sun here.
A Good New Year to you, JW.
My first digital greeting of 2013. It will not, as you know, be my last.
Thanks for bringing ‘Standpoint’ to my attention. Just spent a wee while browsing the website. Good to see Heseltine firmly consigned to the ‘overrated’ bin. I admit to joining in a standing ovation for him after his speech at the Brighton conference in the 1970’s but I was young and foolish then and, as Julian Critchley said, “Michael knows exactly where to find the clitoris of the Conservative Party.”
The hackle on my bunnet did rise when I saw that Alan Massie was claiming that our boy Burns was ‘overrated’ but I can’t disagree with what he wrote after I took the time to read it:-
‘The cult of Burns invites us to wallow in sentimentality, often a maudlin sentimentality — “here’s tae us — wha’s like us?” This is never more evident than at the innumerable Burns Suppers held on the anniversary of the poet’s birthday. Ostensibly a celebration, this institution actually debases the poet. Instead of encouraging an engagement with his best work, it leads us away from it. Certainly Burns is not to be held responsible for what we have made of him, but what we have made of him leads us simultaneously to overrate him by presenting him as the beginning and end of Scottish poetry, and, paradoxically, to diminish him. Away with the Cult of Rabbie; back to reading what he actually wrote!’
‘Standpoint’ is a keeper. I may well subscribe.
Can’t, however, totally agree with you about JC. First saw her in ‘The Land of the Pharaos’ in the mid-60’s on my annual visit to the cinema in Invergordon with my Auntie Ina – the film was released in 1955 but major films took a while to trickle down to the wilds of Easter Ross. I have to admit to certain hormonal stirrings while watching Joan in that epic. Mind, I was, as I said before, young and foolish then.
Happy New Year, John.
I’m not a political animal by any means but even I could see that Heseltine was not the big beast he was made out to be. All hair and no substance. I look forward to your scathing Overrated piece on Salmond.
Poor JC. I hope she never reads this (you never know with these things) she looks a sensitive soul. Probably the dig about her sister being nicer was the worst thing though I’m sure I’m not the first to notice this.
Moving on to Hearts. Good luck against the other them.
At least Joan Collins does not take herself too seriously! Has anyone seen the Marathon ( I refuse to call it Snickers) advert?
The other *elt, T. Wogan Esq., said it all, referring to Dynasty as Dysentery.
Good morning all. First things first- do the housework.
Don’t think you can slip one under the radar, J-man, you have been edited. Put ten bob in the swear box on the way out. 🙂
Sorry, JW! I thought you might be distracted by Hogmanay stuff! 🙂