I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore, is the rallying cry of a group of Conservative Eurosceptics. An emergency meeting of Tory party heavyweights have declared that the European Union is past its sell-by date. The sprouting of measures from Brussels that infringe on national sovereignty has grown too far, too fast and too furious for the right-wingers in this country. We should close our eyes and go West, say the Atlanticists. America and not Europe is where it is at.
In a startling pamphlet issued by the separatist group, “Withering Europe, a non-starter” (WEANS), they have proposed various ways of becoming closer to the United States of America. Post codes are to be replaced by the zingier method of posting known as ZIP codes. The advantages of this change are bountiful. Britons would take great delight in being asked by cold callers “What is your ZIP?”.
“She asked about my ZIP, heh, heh.”
In ZIP’s there are no letters to be remembered, only numbers, which makes it easier for this cell phone generation to take in. ZIP is faster to say than post code. And the struggling post code lottery that exists in this country would be replaced by the more snazzier titled ZIP lottery. Having a matching ZIP as someone else would be a novelty that would never wear off. Think about it. Even in ten years time, “We’ve got the same ZIP” is a good line.
Right, we should definitely look to the West as all good things are on the left hand side of the map. The land of the Free is home to Giant Redwoods and is there anything in this world better than a Hershey Bar? However, too many Hershey Bars can give you trouble fastening your zip.
Boadicea's Chariot 
Good evening, JW.
You get midges in the West which definitely kicks your ‘West is Best’ nonsense straight into touch (a rugger term – you Weegie footie chaps would call it the shy line).
Mind, I suppose midges are a sort of fly so that does fit in with the Zippy theme of your post. Talking of which, we know that George did go West and became President but whatever happened to Bungle?
Moving on, and commenting on the main thrust of your post, that is definitely a Redwood in your picture so well done there.
But your Westcentric assertion that ‘all good things are on the left hand side of the map’ is palpable nonsense. May I remind you of Matthew Chapter 2, Verse 1?
‘1 Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem,’
I can only assume that my ancestors took the long way around the globe to get to the City of David so as to approach it from the correct (East) direction. Still, that must have given them the chance to bring a smattering of civilisation to all the Westron primitives through whom they had to pick their way.
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Ah, the Zip Code. I once worked with a company that sold address management software. The Zip Code is in fact vastly inferior to the Post Code. The original Zip contained 5 numbers, but at some point this was increased to 9, known as Zip +4. Most people know the first 5 numbers, but not the last 4. So 30210 will get the Postal Service to Beverly Hills, but not to Rodeo Drive. The Post Code will even get you to the correct side of the street. But I am sure you knew that.
Speaking about the superiority of the US, I watched Hard Talk this evening with Stephen Sackur talking to Conrad Black. Lord Black was extremely damning about the US Justice system. Yes I know he would be, but it might be quite interesting to watch how his appeal works out. Black came out with some interesting facts and figures about the number of prosecutions in the US that are resolved through plea bargaining and the sentences that are passed out to those who refuse to bargain. They would be quite extraordinary if they were true, but I don’t suppose we will ever know that since nobody is going to tell us the truth, or if they are they are not going to be believed. The sad thing is that everybody is lying these days. I would no more trust a high court judge than I would a journalist, let alone a Prime Minister.
JM, it is an interesting term you use, ‘Westcentric’. I can’t quite get my head around it.
Be fair, Sipu,
I only just thought of ‘Westcentric’ and, if google is to be believed, we’re talking Keatsian territory here as in:-
‘Then felt I like some watcher of the skies
When a new planet swims into his ken;
Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
He star’d at the Pacific–and all his men
Look’d at each other with a wild surmise–
Silent, upon a peak in Darien.’.
Admittedly, ‘West-centric’ seems to exist but I don’t do hyphens and will, given time, be able to offer some sort of flimsy distinction between the two.
I’ll let you know what ‘Westcentric’ means once I’ve worked it out and invented a backstory to justify said meaning. OED, here I come!
PS I know it wasn’t actually Cortez. Oh those crazy Romantic Poets!
Well, they’re right about the EU. But I doubt casting one’s lot in with the US is the best idea at this time. After all, any country that elects Clinton, Bush II, AND worst of all, Obama, isn’t possessing of the great sense. It would almost be as bad as electing Blair thrice and having Brown follow. Oh, wait…
Sipu: 30210 is Cartersville, Georgia. All California post codes begin with a 9. Beverly Hills, for example, is 90210. All post codes 90-91 are in Los Angeles County. All with 92 are in Southern California outside of Los Angeles County, 93 are circa Fresno, 94 is the San Francisco Bay Area to parts of Sacramento, 95 is San Jose-Sacramento, 96 is Hawai’i and parts of the far north.
Mr Mackie: Sweeping assertions do not a case make. Cities grow westward, unless some insurmountable barrier is to their west. The best suburbs are always to the west (The west end trumps the east end every time). This has always been and will be forever true up to the west bank of the Hudson or the mighty Chesapeake, thereafter it is steadily down hill all the way to that sink of iniquity, California. Stands to reason.
Good evening JM,
Don’t knock the midges. As Pamplona is famous for its running of the bulls the West is famed for the practise of running through the midges. It’s either that or stand and be bitten.
Bungle bear was last seen (along with Geoffrey) on the Tony Christie/Peter Kay video of Is this the way to Amarillo. I know my Rainbow, you know.
I feel pretty sure that your quote from the Good Book is another one of those biblical mistranslations that have passed into the general consensus. West/East, the translator guessed wrongly on this fifty-fifty.
Sipu, ZIP + 4 runs to nine numbers. That is two too many for the human brain to comprehend. Seven is the max capacity for recall hence, seven seas, seven deadly sins, seven dwarves etc. etc. etc.
Haw, JW,
This could mean war. I’ve now got your Westist chums including LW, attacking me. I realise, of course, that he was West Celt (It’s close to the Jimmy Bone…hum, haw…the censor will let this one stand) by origin and has made the error of moving even further Westish. I forgive him for that obvious lapse..
Moving on again, LW, good evening. Well done on your pome win which was well deserved.
JM, I recommend a course of reading for you. Ian Rankin’s Rebus books, set in that delightful spot on the east coast of Scotland. They show Edinburgh in all its glory.
LW: Get used to it, the entire USA will turn into a second-rate version of California. The difference is California managed to hold something of value, I doubt the rest will do quite as well.
Hi Christopher, ah yes, I mixed and matched GA where I used to live with CA and the eponymous TV show.
Thank you JM. I now know about Amazons and Swallows and ‘Rocky’ Balboa.
By the time you get this far north, 15 miles from the Canadian border we have got to 98 numbers. Ours covers a small local town and quite a large rural area, a lot of which has no delivery, you have to have a post box in town and collect it from there so I don’t think anyone in the UK needs this system all it will mean is that you will lose your delivery!
I remember Redwood when he first started out. He used to come round the pubs regularly talking to people.That has to be nearly 40 years ago, ouch!
I cannot see why the UK cannot get out of the EU without getting in bed with the USA, more like out of the frying pan into the fire. The UK certainly does not need the sclerotic politics of Washington, Westminster is bad enough but this is a damn sight worse! Elections that take two years to fight? They must be bloody joking!!!!! Everyone is sick to the back teeth of the whole bloody shebang, of every party and every candidate. You get to start hoping the lot will be assassinated so you don’t have to look at them any more.
What we really need is a yank Guy Fawkes a more successful one.
As a superannuated teenager, I already knew the Beverly Hills zip. But sorry to say, JW, that your westcentric tendencies worry me just a tad. They must involve Hibernia at some point and look where that got those renegade Scotchmen who popped over to avoid popery.
Vis-à-vis (if JM will excuse the hyphens) the US justice system, here is an example of what Conrad Black was referring to when he criticised it for the its plea bargain methods.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/9634984/Christopher-Tappin-to-enter-guilty-plea-over-weapons-charges.html
Essentially, he has been blackmailed into doing a deal. 35 years in US prison at the age of 65 and away from his sick wife, or a greatly reduced sentence to be served in the UK, but a ‘victory’ for US prosecutors and the purveyors of Home Land Terror.
Even if he knew the purpose for which the batteries were purchased 35 years is excessive. 6 months tops.
But Postcodes normally mean something. The two letters do give something of a clue as to where the town or city is, and a full zip code is 9 digits long. The first 5 only correspond to the two letters and one or two digits of a UK code. Also, I would wait until November 7th to see if it is worth trying to cuddle up to America or not!