“You’re not marrying her for her matchboxes?”
In a fortnight’s time my brother-in-law is making an honest woman of his partner and I have been chosen as the best man. This will be the third time I have been given the honour of being the “best”. Luckily, yet again, no kilts will be involved. A man in a skirt just isn’t right, now is it?
The first time I was the “best” was over twenty years ago to one of my good friends from school. All I knew about my duties were getting the groom to the church on time, not to lose the ring and make a speech at the meal. In those days we were all young and drunk and the speech was not as daunting as I thought it would be as I’m unaccustomed to public speaking. The speech was a customary medium line and length gentle stab at the groom. All the tables laughed; as I said we were all drunk. The pièce de résistance was at the end when I recited one of my poems. Now you all know how bad my current odes are, imagine the quality of my youngish offerings…go on, imagine…
Well without any modesty I can truly say the gathering loved it. Probably, because they were impressed that I managed to integrate the groom’s occupation, the loveliness of the bride and humorous best wishes for the couple’s future all into the one verse. Or maybe it was because it rhymed. Delivery is everything and I’m sure the groom would have agreed with that.
“I’ve been bathing for almost a week without any soap.”
My second taste of “best” was a few years back when an old friend was getting married to his second wife. He had a fall-out with his brother over family matters -not because of the divorce from wife no.1, I should add- and I was promoted. This was a more quieter affair and there were a lot of unknowns at the function. Some performers prefer big crowds to small and I’m inclined to agree with them. All my gags went flat and I was waiting to hear slow hand claps. I cut my drivel short. This was no time for poems.
Thus, I look forward to the big day when I can go once more unto the speech. Only my wife will have been present at all three of my addresses. The audience will be full of familiar faces. I have my anecdotes at the ready and will name-check any Charioteers jokes/ideas that I use on the day. I promise, I solemnly do.
And this one’s for the happy couple.
Well tonight you step away from me
And alone at the altar I stand
And as I watch my bride coming down the aisle
I pray for the strength to walk like a man
Boadicea's Chariot 
I’m sure you’ll do a splendid job, TR.
Cheers Bravo, I’m still a bit unsure of my opening gambit. Have toyed with the idea of-
“And the nominations for best film are…”
Here’s one for you, JW.
Forty years or so ago, I was standing in a marquee on the front lawn of a High Court Judge in deepest Kent. She was a fragrant English rose who had attended the Uni of Embra and met the the Jock of her dreams,
It followed that the assembled company were half Southron and half Caledonian,
The bridegroom’s brother told the one about the wedding night when the groom took off his shirt for the first time under the bride’s adoring gaze.
‘My, my’, she said, somewhat disappointed. ‘You’re awfu’ pigeon-chested.’
He replied ‘That’s because I love ye like I do’..
All of the Scots present burst out laughing and then fell to explaining the joke to the mystified other half of the gathering.
Mind, we had had a lot of excellent, and free, champagne at the time
I’ll keep that one under my wing, John, and bring it out if I think I’m in trouble.
Your joke reminded me of the time Super Ally played for Sunderland. This was where he met his first wife. Super’s future mother-in-law thought he was an alcoholic as he was always drinking this strange potion. He had to explain to her that Irn-bru was a soft drink.
A wedding is very much like a welding – the joining together of two steaming bodies.
So it won’t be the first time you have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in your hand?
Pseu #5 and #6 are caption-comment type comments. And you know full well my feelings about caption comments.
Aach weel….
What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer? The Rolling Stones say: “Hey you get off of my cloud”. And the
Aberdeen sheep farmer says: “Hey McLoud, get off of ma sheep”.
Consider that one in the mix, Sipu. How do you pronouce Sipu? I’ll take a guess at Sip-ooh (as in you).
Having just read the joke again, (which I copied from elsewhere), I realise that it should of course be, “Hey McLoud, get off of ma ewe.”
As for the pronunciation of Sipu, you are right. It does actually mean something quite clean, would you believe, though it does not sound very nice. Since I nicked it, I think you would be better off leaving my name out of it.
I once did a 21st speech for my god-daughter, based on the 7 Virtues and a best man speech based on the 7 Deadly Sins. They both worked well. Vices can become virtues and virtues can be vices, especially important where lust and chastity are concerned!
No probs Sipu. Think I’d best stick with sheep because if I use ewe it could be confusing. Some of the party might not get it. In their defence, I am pretty sure they all know what a sheep is.
Of course, traditionally, the best man has first dibs on the bridesmaids 🙂
This is King Billy country, FEEG, not hillbilly. The bridesmaid is my niece and I’m her Godfather.