I thought it might be interesting and the results amusing, to ask Charioteers to write some Clerihews. I am sure most are familiar with the form, but if not, here is some background, pinched shamelessly from Wikipedia.
Form
A clerihew has the following properties:
- It is biographical and usually whimsical, showing the subject from an unusual point of view; it pokes fun at mostly famous people
- It has four lines of irregular length (for comic effect); the third and fourth lines are usually longer than the first two
- The rhyme structure is AABB; the subject matter and wording are often humorously contrived in order to achieve a rhyme
- The first line consists solely (or almost solely) of the subject’s name.
Clerihews are not satirical or abusive, but they target famous individuals and reposition them in an absurd, anachronistic or commonplace setting, often giving them an over-simplified and slightly garbled description (similar to the schoolboy style of 1066 and All That).
The unbalanced and unpolished poetic meter and line length parody the limerick, and the clerihew form also parodies the eulogy.
Practitioners
The form was invented by and is named after Edmund Clerihew Bentley. When he was a 16-year-old pupil at St Paul’s School in London, the lines about Humphry Davy came into his head during a science class.[1] Together with his schoolfriends, he filled a notebook with examples.[2] The first use of the word in print was in 1928.[3] Clerihew published three volumes of his own clerihews: Biography for Beginners(1905), published as “edited by E. Clerihew”;[1] More Biography (1929); and Baseless Biography (1939), a compilation of clerihews originally published in Punch illustrated by the author’s son Nicolas Bentley.
Bentley’s friend, G. K. Chesterton, was also a practitioner of the clerihew and one of the sources of its popularity. Chesterton provided verses and illustrations for the original schoolboy notebook and illustrated Biography for Beginners.[1] Other serious authors also produced clerihews, including W. H. Auden,[4] and it remains a popular humorous form among other writers and the general public. Among contemporary writers, the satirist Craig Brown has made considerable use of the clerihew in his columns for The Daily Telegraph.
Examples
The first ever clerihew was written about Sir Humphry Davy:
When this clerihew was published in 1905, “Was not fond of”[2] was replaced by “Abominated”. Other classic clerihews by Bentley include:
- George the Third
- Ought never to have occurred.
- One can only wonder
- At so grotesque a blunder.[6]
- John Stuart Mill,
- By a mighty effort of will,
- Overcame his natural bonhomie
- And wrote Principles of Political Economy.[7]
Auden’s “Literary Graffitti” includes:
- Sir Henry Rider Haggard
- Was completely staggered
- When his bride-to-be
- Announced, “I am She!
A clerihew much appreciated by chemists is cited in Dark Sun by Richard Rhodes regarding the inventor of the thermos bottle (or Dewar flask):
- Sir James Dewar
- Is smarter than you are
- None of you asses
- Can liquify gases.
A modern literary example is:
- Ted Hughes,
- Sylvia’s muse,
- was rather good-looking.
- Let his wife do the cooking.[8]
In 1983, Games Magazine ran a contest titled “Do You Clerihew?” The winning entry was:
- Did Descartes
- Depart
- With the thought
- “Therefore I’m not“?
Your entry will be considered if you only write one, but seeing as they are so short, points will be given for two or more clerihews that have a theme to them. They could be about the same person or about people from a similar background etc.
I claim no skill in this particular style myself, but I think it only fair that I attempt a contribution, so here is one of my own, to get things going.
Nelson Mandela
A political fella
Looks decidedly wizened
Having been imprisoned
Deadline in 24.00 GMT on 15th March. However, if there is a rush of entries in the next 10 days, it may be brought forward to the 28th of February. I think the gaps between competitions are too long.
Seeing as how people have entered into the spirit of this competition, the deadline is now 24.00 GMT on 28th Feb. Practise to your heart’s content, but actual entries must be clearly stated as such. See my comment #13.
Boadicea's Chariot 
Here is my entry, composed in the whole of 3 minutes:
Amy Winehouse,
with somewhat less sense than a mouse,
finishes her work with the mop,
she had to use to clean up her slop.
nice one, Sipu
Very good Christopher, but that is why you have to come up with 3. So you have another 6 minutes work ahead of you.
Thanks Pseu.
puts me in mind of the lyrics of Lily the Pink – (nearly, not quite clerihews)
mr freers, had sticky out ears
and it made him awful shy
and so they gave him medicinal compound
and now he’s learning how to fly
Hmm, okay… Since my topic was losers, I will write two more along the same lines.
Silvio Berlusconi
Never that that he was phoney
But when tutte le donne di Roma told him its “ovah”
He thought “maybe I’ll pack and run to Moldova”.
Nicholas Sarkozy
Thought it would be easy
But when he was booed out of Paris,
he thought “maybe I should change my name to Harris”.
Wonderful, Sipu.
“Over-simplified and slightly garbled” sounds right up my street!
Dave Cameron
He’s hammerin ’em
and when the going gets tough
Our Old Etonian, he turns rough
– Have I got the hang of this?
Fat Prescott
Looks worse in a Westcot
than that old Socialist gobbler in tails
with a daughter in the EU from Wales
Actually, this is really difficult. I have to stop making them scan!
A John from Coldwater
Was wholly into the slaughter
Of sleep and wellbeing of those who are Nappers.
He tried but in vain to converts us into Good Snappers
🙂
Hello Sipu: Congratulations, three quickies.
Sir Stephen Hawkin
Is not given much to talkin’
What he loses in natter
He gains back twice in his gray matter
Al Gore, so very gravitas
Says the world is on its ass
Prothletising doom and gloom
His presence always fills a room
Mahmoud Ahmadinijad
Tells us all he’s truly rad.
But we see right through his porky pie
He’s just a man, without a tie.
OK its official, given the number of entries on the first day, the deadline for the competition is 24.00 GMT on 28th February. Because I am such a sweetie, you can all practise as much as you wish, but when it comes to the deadline, you will have to nominate your top three. I like what I have seen so far.
Araminta
Wants people to think that
She really cares about Ethel,
A problem with which I now wrestle.
Photographer Valzone
Is one of the blokes’ own
Favourite blondes on the Chariot
‘Cos her shots are a riot.
Pseudonym
Or ‘Nude-o-swim’
As I once described her
Is always good for a snigger. 😀
OZ
Eew er missus…. I just found this!
I am sorry to say that on Monday 28th of Feb I am going to be driving up to Harare. It will take me 4-5 days depending on how long I stay in Joburg. (It is about 2,500 km and I am not driving a Porsche on the Autobhan). While there I will have occasional and erratic access to the internet. Therefore, I am not going to be able to judge the results of this competition. So, I would like to ask Boadicea to nominate someone to judge, or act as judge herself, or create a poll. Sorry about that. I shall be gone until the end of March. Ideally, I would like to return to Zimbabwe on a permanent basis, but I am not sure how accommodating they will be.
No problems, Sipu. I’ll probably put up a poll (for fun) and judge the competition myself.
For reference to all entrants – points will be awarded for those entries that make me laugh!
These are really quite difficult to write I find.
Julia Gillard
Thought him a blackguard
And despite the law did harangue
Poor Julian Assange
Colonel Gaddafi
Isn’t happy,
He sent all his people a text
Asking ‘y r u vxd’.
When Isaac Newton
An apple did fall on
It gave him a notion on Laws of Motion,
But his balls are what really cause the commotion.
Of Voltaire
We are well aware,
For many works he is noted
And often misquoted.
Howzit, I’ve had a go you’ll find mine over here.
Apologia
Sir Elton John
Wrote a song;
Said sorry was the hardest word
And got a baby to show that he cared.
Noble Plato
Long before Nato
Blasted us for our hypocrisy
And apologised for the murdered Socrates.
The Beatles’ John
Imagined in song
A utopian world without war
And vowed to be jealous no more.
Philip Sidney
Apologised, didn’t he?
In an exquisite defence
of Poetry’s beauteous sense.
As for Voltaire
How do I dare…?
The master of delightful wit
Bowed and ripped the world to bits.
Kurt Cobain
Eased his pain
By singing softly in a song
All apologies; I was wrong…