A Theory on Baldness

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The wildly varying causes of premature and mature balding in men are many. Like the global warming debate no one knows for sure the ultimate reason behind hair thinning. In no way am I an expert on examining men’s heads but I’ve come up with a theory. There was no scientific research or study involved, this is all conjecture. A theory is only a theory after all.

Now we’re talking real baldies here and not the shaven headed copyists; as Larry David says “we don’t consider you part of the bald community”. My speculation is based on an idea about genetics. As the world has grown smaller inter-mixing between clans has caused dilution and deterioration of the hair molecule.

Take for example the indigenous people of the Americas, the ones who have not assimilated into the alien culture of the colonists, they have long flowing locks. And they’re fond of it, their reservations of breeding with whites is so they don’t lose their hair. Only a few tribes practised scalping.

Eskimos. When did you last see a baldy Eskimo? Heat loss through a balded head would be fatal in the Arctic, The Inuit have adapted to their habitat by growing hair extensively, and to relieve boredom think of new names for snow.

The Amazon Rainforest has a multitude of groups native to that area. The ones that have survived contact and therefore contamination with the invaders thrive with Medusa-like hair. They all have different rituals; some cultures include the mutilation of the skin and cutting of hair. No matter what way they shorn or shape their hair if they wanted to they could grow it down to their loincloth, if they wear one.

In conclusion my theory is that the coupling of diverse people has contributed to the growth of baldness. Even the European family before the influx of other continentals in the last century was on the receding end because of inter-action between wildly differing areas. I mean, what do you get if you cross a Hun with a Lombard? Attilio Lombardo.

Thankfully, I have a mane of Heseltine proportions because far, far back in the sands of time it was decreed that our family tree should be of the one fruit. We’ve had a few bad apples in the branch over time but not bad enough that we want to pull our hair out.

11 thoughts on “A Theory on Baldness”

  1. They used to say wearing a helmet caused it. And there were certainly a lot of ‘Romani calvi’ – famous for diverse coupling too. 🙂

  2. At the risk of blowing my own vuvuzela, I am so gloriously hirsute that Heseltine is by comparison a skinhead.


  3. JW, good blog. ‘On the receding end’ particularly fine.

    I personally believe that we should conduct hirsuteness tests throughout the length of the UK. I reckon that we will find that the higher the latitude, the hairier (men only, of course). I realise that we do have female ‘hairies’ in Jockland as Hamish Imlach so eloquently testified in his magnum opus, ‘Cod Liver Oil and the Orange Juice’. but that’s a totally different thing.

    My theory, which I sincerely believe will be borne out by research, is that, since the UK is sinking at the Southron end and rising at the good end, we are preparing ourselves for a colder life closer to the heavens, whilst said Southron slapheads are preparing themselves for an aquatic existence by shedding all their body hair.

    I could, of course, be wrong.

  4. Well I thought as theories go this one was quite good. Thanks for the sublime collection of replies, folks. I have a nasty habit of not replying to commentators; all down to having hair in my eyes and not seeing them.

    The hair essay was only intended as filler. The real blog was about the slideshow (took me three months to master this) and I’m delighted my gallery of baldies stumped the “Who am I?” experts.

  5. The follically challenged amongst us seem to go to the weirdest extremes to disguise their near naked pates from gaze – from William Hague’s baseball caps, to these pitiful men who grow an enormously long remaining strand or two of hair and coiffe it into an elaborate turban which they wind with great care round their bald pates, and spray firmly into place. Do they have no inkling of how utterly ridiculous they look?
    I favour a Wahl Professional electric clipper, with a number Two or Three baffle on it, which is run through what remains of my once-flowing locks, every ten days or so, to reduce it to a uniform pepper-grey stubble. The rest of the body would quickly disabuse you from the initial impression you may gain from the hair that I am an elderly ex- US Marine!

  6. Hello CWJ,

    A few years back I got a number two and had to ban mirrors in the house. Let it grow, I say, the head is just a plant when’s all said and done.

    Agree completely with your first paragraph. For me, the infamous Bobby Charlton “wrapover” is the worst of the attempted hidings of the shiny ones. Another theory, this time emanating from the bald stratosphere is that bald people don’t suffer as many wrinkles as hairy men. I’ll leave that one to one of the offspring of diverse couplings to elaborate on.

  7. I was at a funeral of a Bobby Charlton lookalike a few years ago in the USA. The mortician had clearly glued his few remaining hairs in place in accordance presumably with the Dearly Departed’s wishes, for the “viewing”, where family and friends are expected to gawp respectfully at the corpse lying in its coffin. I required some considerable self-control from giggling inappropriately at the sight…

  8. JM, ref. your #6, it’s the lower centre of gravity of the large and predominantly white population of Suvvern Ingeland that is causing the problem (see recent research reviewd here), adversely affecting circulation to the cranium and its follicles.

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