Tidal Wave (August creative comp)

It was a great afternoon session. Pints after pint of Furstenberg’s were going down the hatch in the lusty tavern that soaked with Teutonic testosterone. Boris was enjoying his lunchtime tipple and had held fast to one of his father’s dictums: Go to the loo only when it’s really due. The reasoning being, your first visit is a starter for ten. Everyone else had relieved themselves bar Boris when it was time to leave.

Some of the party made a detour into the bookmakers for a quick punt. Boris gambled on Leek Soup in the big race. It was a poor starter and the gelding pulled up lame as the basin that was Boris’s bladder began to gurgle. He willed away the notion to urinate as one pee will lead to another and he had no time for a flood as he had to go back to work in his office block.

The friendly doorman always conversed with Boris and today was no different. The guard spoke about the dribbling skills of Pierre Littbarski as Boris hopped from one foot to the other in a fake impersonation of the bow-legged footballer, then the doorman reminisced of the swimming ability of Michael Gross.
“He splashed the water like an albatross.”
Boris crossed his legs and gripped his flies anxious to be relieved of any more small talk. At a stroke the postman arrived and Boris seized the advantage to flee.

Now encumbered with bloating bladder and bursting appendage Boris bounded to the toilet to be confronted by an out of order sign. With a swish he bats the sign in anguish. At that moment he heard the noise of a floor cleaning machine. Turning round the corner in the desperate throes of agony he saw the cleaning lady, Minnie in a pinny, and a startling metamorphosis took place in his loins. For ages he had wanted to get this woman alone and have a multi-stroked rally with her. He knew she knew he wanted her and she knew that he knew that she knew this. Knew was their chance, sorry, now was their chance for consummation.

A broom cupboard happened to be situated on this floor and they entered with their tongues locked in a stringed saliva kiss clinch. He whipped off her pinny and she wrenched out his racquet. The engorged Boris was caught in a cataclysmic dilemma and wondered if it were possible for one type of fluid to bypass the other as his urinal tract screamed “man the lifeboats”.

“I don’t want a love child. Take this.” Minnie handed Boris a rubber cleaning glove. “Pick a finger.”

While Boris mulled over the choice of using the thumb or forefinger Minnie wrung out a pungent wet mop that was in the cupboard. The trickling water pushed Boris to breaking point and he sprayed a bright yellow stream into the mop pail. Boris’s biblical starter for ten was unrelenting and put the pinniless Minnie in a Paxman mood. “Hurry up.” Soon bored with waiting Minnie went back to buffing the floor.

12 thoughts on “Tidal Wave (August creative comp)”

  1. Aye JW, you are really good at this stream of conciousness writing, in my opinion. Your narrative simply flows along in full spate. You should be flushed with success and I am sure that it is not a flash in the pan.

  2. Mr. Mackie,
    Why do I get the feeling you are taking the P***.

    Jaime, Who can’t spell Megadeth for toffee, will have to read this and waste two minutes of her life. Mission Accomplished, as somebody once said.

  3. OZ,

    All of my stories have a modicum of truth in them. A few years Bach (good luck with your strike) I got talking to this old hand in the pub and he revealed to me the “hold on to your first pee” legend. He did have a point as the regulars were regular so to speak and he hadn’t budged. Trouble was when he did admit defeat and ran to the latrine, he was ages spilling. Like the BP oil thingmy thing that happened.

  4. JW – I happen to have before me a copy of the 2011 edition of the OED that fell through a hole in the space-time continuum.

    Embarrassment (n) The uncomfortable feeling when one’s beer-to-pee ratio coincides exaxtly with that of a complete stranger in the same bar, repeatedly.


  5. Tinkle, tinkle, little star,
    How I wonder what you are!
    Up above the pan so high,
    Like a fountain in the sky!

    Another entry about dangly bits, JW. 😉

  6. “He splashed the water like an albatross.” LOL The tense contest between the two fluids had me on the edge of my seat. Sort of. But it was funny.

    What is it about cleaners’ cupboards? I wrote a torrid cleaning cupboard scene once. No mop, though. Just a feather duster.

  7. “I don’t want a love child. Take this.” Minnie handed Boris a rubber cleaning glove. “Pick a finger.”

    I find this rather disturbing, JW, 😉 but quite hilarious!

    Very funny story.

  8. Just seen these comments. Thanks ladies and Janus.
    A lot of research goes into my stories. For instance, a “bright yellow stream” means a lack of water in the urine symptomatic of a hard drinker like Boris. As well as checking your stools, you should always check your pees (and Q’s).

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