BBQ Rules

Now this is a man’s BBQ!!!!

BBQ RULES :

We’ll be entering the BBQ season in a few months. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

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Author: zenrules

64,MS,wheelchair,angry

36 thoughts on “BBQ Rules”

  1. Sounds about right! 😀

    As It happens, I’m not at all keen on BBQ’d meat. Charred outside and raw inside and tasting like charcoal. Just like my mother’s cooking. (Seriously! To this day I eat my suasages that way.)

  3. I was told in Cyprus that in their matriarchal society it was always the man’s job to turn the barbie handle – so he invented the electric barbie turner – to avoid undue exertion before the meal. Now that’s what I call a man!

  5. Me Man, make fire, cook meat! 🙂

    I finally consigned her gas BBQ to the skip last weekend. I am now the proud owner of a pucka Weber charcoal burnin’ kettle grill.

    Bravo, if your barby meat is burnt, your chef sucks.

  6. Furry, I knew there’d be a Weberman lurking here somewhere. Apparently Denmark has the highest concentration of your fellows worldwide.

  7. Hee Hee Janus,

    Welcome back btw.

    Yup when it’s time to put the meat to the heat only a Weber will do. Although that pic at the top has a certain flair.

  8. Hello Ferret. I haven’t had BBq meat in years. Shame though, because I love the taste of it.

  9. You need a bit of charcoal on your meat, it aids the digestion, and fortunately men create the most charcoal. Have you noticed how a BBQ always prompts the man to go and buy himself a special pinafore to wear as well; ask him to wear one at any other time in the kitchen and sneers, but come BBQ time he sports all manner of flashy pinny’s. It’s a man thing.

  10. Ferret, it doesn’t matter who the Chef is, it still tastes the same. I much prefer to do my cooking in a well-fitted, tasteful, even luxurious kitchen away from all that sweaty stuff, and the flies, with a cool beer or something red and fruity close to hand.

  11. Ferret,

    The good Weber is I’m told popular in South Africa. We had a SA friend staying with who pronounced it Weeeber. Took me a while to work out what she was talking about. I did the same as you some 10 years ago. A great bit of kit.

  14. The only meat that has ever tasted good cooked on a BBQ were the whole eye fillets that Bearsy cooked on a mains gas BBQ.

    Apart from that you keep BBQs … everything looks and tastes like charcoal combined with burnt fat, the steaks are always overcooked and tough, the chicken is undercooked and any other so-called meat is unidentifiable – add to that one is expected to eat copious amounts of rabbit food. The meat is always the cheapest cuts – and not surprising since everyone knows that by the time it’s been plonked on the BBQ and forgotten for the time it takes to drink three cans of beer, no one will be able to tell the difference between good or bad meat …

  16. What Boadicea said. Although i have to confess that I do own a Weber. Usually comes out once a year to slow-cook the Christmas Turkey.

  17. The featured model was an unsuccessful prototype. The next version has the barrel pointed at the BBQ and incorprates an automatic ignition system for efficient lighting. Unfortunately the results are far from satisfactory and the ‘instant’ ignition effect only produces ‘well done’ treats. Some further work is required on the ignition settings.

    Use of black powder is not recommended and can ‘fog’ party events. There are also some risks associated with incidental lead poisoning and shrapnel leading to emergency dentisty. All of these faults are being worked upon by our team of scientist.

    Unfortunately, one of the team was fatally BBQ’d when he paid particular attention to examining the ‘business end’ during a test firing of the ignition system.

    Another model will feaure a ‘range’d version, rumoured to ignite BBQs at 1,000 metres range, but testing is problematic and many BBQs have simply been blow away or severely dented in test-firing process.

  18. Thanks Paul

    Use of black powder is not recommended and can ‘fog’ party events.

    Is this a polite was of saying that the guests might end up looking like the meat, charred around the edges?

    Another model will feature a ‘range’d version, rumoured to ignite BBQs at 1,000 metres range

    If you can assure me that the later model will also ignite any barking dogs within that range, I might be very interested…

  19. BBQ food is excellent. We have a lot throughout the summer. A few rules.
    Webers are a waste of time and money. They seem to be designed to achieve that boiled meat taste so beloved in England and disliked elsewhere.
    The number one rule for all cooking is the quality of the ingredients buy the best, reduce quantity not quality.Regardless of what goes into a deep freeze quality never comes out.buy quality charcoal too.
    I recall in Australia that all the BBQ’s were overcooked. The meat needs to be pink inside but warmed, nicely browned on the outside.You need a hot braize to achieve it with the possibilty to easily adjust height. Keep a bottle of water close by and extinguish all flame immediately.
    We find the best for a BBQ are lamb chops, steak nice thick slabs and most fish.What doesn’t work is chicken, skewers, pork.

  22. RoO: You obviously did not read my comment, best ingredients, best cook and meat pink on the inside. Why do the French never believe me when I ask for my steak blue?

  23. MoO,

    I don’t know who the hell told the frogs they could cook, but they were way wrong.

    Pork is one of the finest meats for BBQ, skewers are quick and delicious if you prepare them right and a whole chicken boned, spatchcocked, marinaded in jerk spices and BBq’d is a thing of culinary delight.

    Thick slabs of good quality steak are a must I agree and should be done first when the coals have only just gone grey and the grill is hotter than the fires of hell. Never serve anything more cooked than medium rare. If some philestine wants their beef cremated, peel the sole of an old gardening boot and give it about 2 mins on either side. hey will not know the difference.

    You also neglect vegetables, grilled aubergine and courgette with a drizzle of garlic and mustard olive oil, mixed onions, peppers and mushrooms, lightly seared corn on the cob.

    Then there is Haloumi cheese or squeaky cheese, don’t forget a pan of refried chilli beans warming on the side.

    Buggrit I am absolutely ravenous now.

  24. Ferret – seems like you know how to cook steak. When are we coming for the BBQ? 🙂

  26. Boa,

    Cooking a barby for Aussies? That would be like you lot bringing me coal.

    I have made it plain however, on several occasions that you and the Ol’ Grumps are welcome any time.

    Only after he’s had his second cuppa though. 🙂

  27. Ferret is the only one I’d let near my BBQ!
    Husbands are not permitted near cooking or BBQ, I have no intention of being poisoned!

    If you want the best of both worlds, us a gas grill with the new bricks that are part made of charcoal to impart a smoky taste and just before you cook throw on presoaked hardwood chips, either mesquite or hickory. Works a charm. Controllable heat and smoky taste.
    You have forgotten the smokers. I always smoke a turkey for parties, never seen any man make any adverse comment and most all line up for seconds, never a shred left! Smoked carcasses make good corn soup.

    Trouble is no-one ever seems to study this kind of cooking as an art form, most go in for the just chuck it on and incinerate school of cuisine! I got a lot of help and info from my cajun friends in Mississippi and Louisiana in the 70s, now they know how to BBQ! Cajuns know how to eat, full stop!
    Suggest those of you that need lessons find a good cajun BBQ book on the internet.

    I must admit I wouldn’t eat most people’s idea of BBQ either! I dodge invitations to them like the plague. There is one in the locality, a community do, that I cannot escape. Grotesque food not fit for the dog and no booze to boot! I always carry my own wine and get looked at like the devil incarnate! Horrible messy salads that look like dog sick! Yukk, it will be upon us in a few weeks and now you have made me remind myself of the horror of it all! At least this year I have the splendid excuse of the gall bladder not to eat any of it! Turn up and drink instead, that’ll do!

  28. BBQ are fine but why oh why do people have to use that awful smelling fluid, it stinks and makes the whole area smell like a petrol refinery.

    Then they complain when I have a bonfire.

  29. No BBQ’s here, hubby no cook. But I like going to other folks BBQ’s if they are good cooks. Fish done over hot coals tastes amazing, with a squeeze of lemon, and my favourite at the end of the night a banana cooked in its skin and doused afterwards in a sweet liqueur.

  30. “I got a lot of help and info from my cajun friends in Mississippi and Louisiana”
    French of course. But in my experience now too diluted by their American experience, like that awful gas BBQ.

  32. Zen – That ain’t no barbie, that is an admission of guilt by some “yee-haw” redneck whose IQ and extent of wedding vegetable is at least one Bud short of a six-pack. Smiley thing.

    Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Setting aside for a moment Zen’s comic (and appreciated) take on barbies, let us not lose sight of these three fundamental tenets.

    1) Gas and electric barbies are the creation of Satan herself and an abomination against mankind.

    2) Likewise anything heating the grill except naturally produced, lumpwood charcoal.

    3) Likewise all petroleum-based accelerants.

    Adding to the above the fact that most Brits and almost every other non-Anglo-Saxon male, (just in case Dickie-Doo-Dah wants to make an issue of it) has neither the weather nor particularly the regular practice to operate a barbie with skill and aplomb, then it is no wonder that barbie cooking has become a subject of angst amongst the hard-of-understanding and other females.

    Here is what you do, offered by someone who barely uses the inside kitchen between May and October. Get the village blacksmith to split a 45 gallon oil-drum in half lengthways and weld it to a frame. Buy charcoal from your local supplier, light it using wood embers and wait until you can’t see anything black before proceeding. Patience is everything. The most important thing, though, is to prepare the meat or fish in advance, either by dry-rub with spices or by liquid marinade – anything that avoids the sorry sight of some lamebrain tearing a sausage from its shrinkwrap and thowing it straight into the flames.

    The prosecution rests.

    OZ

  33. Hey Dogface: The guy who built the pictured BBQ probably did it with his own two redneck hands just like me, I found a 250 gallon oil tank in the woods and now have a handsome hog cooker, I did not need help from anyone (least of all you or some village blacksmith) with the fabrication or the welding, if you cannot do the same you are in no position to be critical of the abilities of others who can conceive, design, make or use such a device. The defense rests.

  35. Mistake I’ll start again. So it just shows there are two worlds in everything yours and ours, even in the world of barbecues. Indeed the Weber fashion has never really caught on here nor the gas fired. As always your cooking doesn’t concentrate on the quality of the food but on the bits and pieces that go around it. The sauce, the wood chips, the skewers,the technology.
    Courte Paille does reasonable barbecued steak. It is well cooked over a hot wood fire, but unfortunately the quality of the meat is not top. Incidentally many restaurants serve steak cooked over a charcoal braize, it is real charcoal not gas.

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