Evening all
We all receive joke e-mails, they vary from awful to worse than awful, I don’t care, DO NOT PROCEED UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE FUN if you have opened this page you are now honour bound to post what you think is the funniest e-mail that you have received this week (don’t worry if you think that it’s not funny or that its an old joke others may not have heard it before)
VAN DER MERWE IN AUSTRALIA
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach , Australia He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, “What are all those little black things out there?”
“They’re buoys,” said the Aussie.
“Boys?! wragtig *…” replied Van der Merwe. “What are they doing out there?”
“Holding up the shark nets,” the Aussie told him.
” Great country this!” said Van, deeply impressed.
“We’d never get away with that at home!”
(*Afrikaans exclamation similar to ‘golly’ or ‘gee whizz’)
Boadicea's Chariot 
VAN DER MERWE, is the main man of many SA jokes. 🙂
Very funny.
Howzit Tochi
Of course, he’s our ‘Paddy’ or ‘Redneck”
you obviously read the rules, where’s your contribution?
😉
Hang about Soutie I will have to search one out. 🙂
It’s not been a great week for funnies I’m afraid.
Here goes:
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’
Any good Soutie?
“These rooinecke are not so bad when you get to know them,” said Van on return from a visit to England.
“Hey, they take you home, share their bed with you and give you breakfast in the morning – all for no charge.”
“Did that really happen to you, Van?” asked van Tonder.
“No, but it happened to my sister,” said Van.
What is the nearest thing to silver?
Malema didn’t call the reporter a bastard,
he thought the guy’s name was Ted …
So he was calling him.
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. ‘Baas Ted’ …
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
‘What majestic trees!
‘What powerful rivers!
‘What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him…
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
‘Oh my God!’
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’
‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?’
The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the BEAR a Christian?’
‘Very well,’ said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
‘For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful,
Amen.’
Just reading laughing.
Soutie, OMG, Isobel – very funny 😉
Answer to my question is…….The Lone Rangers Nuts.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest…
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Hmmmm. Seems I’m missing out on funny messages in my in-box. but some amusing ones here.
Soutie,
Very good ones. I’ll bookmarj the page.
This is my all time fav:
Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches. Finally, in desperation after years of misery, he sought medical advice. Many tests later, the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis.
The doctor said, “Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
” Jim was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything left to live for. He couldnt concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice – “Cut em”. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person – he could make a new beginning and live a new life. Seeing a mens clothing store he thought, “Thats what I need, a new suit.
” He entered the shop and told the tailor, “Id like a new suit.
” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Lets see… size 44 long.” Jim laughed, “Thats right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the old tailor replied.
Jim tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
As he admired himself in the mirror, the old tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Jim thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The old tailor eyed Jim and said, “Lets see…34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.
” Again, Jim was surprised, “Thats right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the old tailor replied.
Jim tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about new shoes?” Jim was on a roll now and said, “Sure.” The tailor eyed his feet and said, “Lets see.. 9-12 E.” Jim was astonished. He laughed and said, “Dont tell me, I know, youve been in the business 60 years!” Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?” Jim thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The old tailor stepped back, eyed Jims waist and said, “Lets see…size 36.” Jim laughed, “Ah-hah I got you! Ive worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.
” The old tailor shook his head, “You cant wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
The wife’s story!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said ‘oh f**k’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what?
‘You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck… Get the fuck away from me!