Got another supply of weird snacks yesterday. Every couple of weeks an old lady shows up with a bag of groceries for me. I have no idea why she gives them to me but she’s been turning up on a regular basis for four years now. Sometimes the snacks border on edible, particularly if it is late and options are few, but I generally hand them out to the students, who have a palate as refined as a seagull scavenging a refuse decorated beach.

A popular choice is vacuum packed bread rolls which, although lacking in freshness, have a fairly inoffensive taste. Similarly for the waffles, which were also vacuum-packed but on opening were limp and had a texture that suggested they had been cooked a couple of hours earlier in a waffle iron the size of a football field. But washed down with a cup of coffee they were passable as an afternoon snack.

That’s another thing, she keeps bringing jars of economy brand instant coffee, milk powder and endless boxes of cubed sugar. I tried drinking the coffee but found after a couple of cups my teeth were aching, my heart was suffering palpitations and I felt like I wanted to go and pick a fight with someone. It also gave me the trots. These days I stick to Nescafe and the jars stack up in a cupboard in my office.

But if the bread rolls and waffles are edible that leaves the remainder of the swag (see photo). The long thin tubes are some kind of processed meat. These are a real winner with the general population, walk down any street and you will see kids barely old enough to walk gnawing at one of these bad boys. I don’t know why there is a cartoon of a smiling corn cob on the packet, I didn’t see any mention of corn on the label. You can also get them fried; think battered spam on a stick.

Aside from the glistening globules of fat on vacuum packaged Chinese sausage (quite good, but so unhealthy I generally limit myself to half a sausage a month) there is also a large package of powdered soy bean milk, a bag of oatmeal, 4lbs of rice, a dozen eggs and a two pigeon eggs pidan style (thousand year egg to you). Suppose it’s only a matter of time before she brings me a live chicken.

Author: cyanide bunny


12 thoughts on “spam”

  1. How odd – and you have no idea why she gives this stuff to you? The sausages sound lethal, and I won’t ask how the ‘pigeon eggs pidan style’ are prepared!

  2. G’day Mordechai – good to see you, author status has been set for you.
    Load yourself a Gravatar, and (seeing as how you’re a softie) read the FAQs before you make your first post! 😆

  3. Strange… that’s the sort of thing that could happen in Blackburn, you know.
    Are you sure you should be eating this stuff?!

  4. Chinese chorizo, oatmeal, rice, thousand year eggs – that’s one hell of a Masterchef challenge. All that’s missing are scallops. Let’s cook, CB! 😀

    I can just imagine Greg: “The sweetness of the scallops set against the tang of the thousand year eggs does it for me. Oh yes.”

  5. i’ve heard many different stories about this lady. All of them agree she is not firing on all cylinders, but the level of misfiring depends on who you talk to. The most sobering comment came from the boss who said “oh, she’s giving you stuff now too is she? best to take it, she has a tendency to trip out if she gets upset.”

    cl2, most of it i don’t eat.

    jh1. don’t ever kmock the pi-dan. served with tofu and a spicy vinegar it is outstanding.

  6. …but how do you get past the smell?

    “For the longest time, I believed the eggs were cured in horse urine, a popular myth corroborated by their very distinct pong of hellfire and brimstone (ammonia and sulphur)”

  7. i heard they have lead in them, but they don’t have a pong. But then i don’t have a great sense of smell. If you can just get over the appearance they really are quite good.

  8. I think this is strange 🙂

    Perhaps she thinks she is doing pennance for a former misdonmeaner or something?!

    Have no idea CB, but made me chuckle and a great way to start the day.


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