This made my morning.
Our local newspaper reported this morning that a SANparks patrol boat spotted some night time activity off Bird Island (a restricted conservation area) and went to investigate.
You won’t believe what happened next
I almost wet myself laughing, here’s the start of the report from the E.P.Herald…
WINTER TO BE MILD PREDICTS MET OFFICE,
http://www.dailyexpress.co.uk/posts/view/208012/Winter-to-be-mild-predicts-Met-Office/#
Oh dear, I’m having a tabloid attack.
Southampton University Hospitals NHS Trust
‘Don’t bob for apples, the stalk might poke you in the eye – take them out with your hands!’
I didn’t make it up, honest…
Trust the Wail to pick this up amongst all the boobs and bums.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.’
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: Continue reading “When the spirit moves one…”
This guy is flying down the road in his EB Z06; and he comes over the top
of a bridge, sure enough,on the other side there is sitting a cop with a
radar gun.
The cop pulls the guy over,walks up to the car and asks “What’s the
hurry?”
The guy replies, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah”, says the cop, “what do you do?”
The guy responds, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”
The cop says “A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?”
The guy says,”Well, I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three,then four,then my whole hand,then I work until I can
get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it’s about 6
foot wide”
The cop asks, “What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?’
The guy replies, “You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge…”
Cyndi Lauper
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
John W. Gardner
Goodnight everyone, sleep well.
John W. Gardner
Especially when we get a little older and have a tad more free time.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning,I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
or your waiter or your anaesthetist, come to that…
You might have seen this Boa and Bearsy.
It was the spelling error that I found inexcuseable.
Schwarzkopf – The Merry Widow
Boadicea's Chariot 
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