Category: Humour

With apologies to any  Poohist purists and to any non-Poohites who might possibly not understand very much of this

“Rabbit, is that you? I thought it was. It’s  me, Piglet.”

“ Of course it is you, Piglet. It is Good to see you. I told Pooh that you would come. Here’s your Name Badge and the Schedule of Events for the Weekend. You’ll find the running Provisions buffet over there. I can recommend the Haycorns.”

“Thank you for organising this Reonion, Rabbit.”

“It is a Reunion, Piglet. I realised that this was an Important Event which deserved to be Commemoriated for Pooh. I also realised, of course, that my own part in the Event would never be fully Appreciated but I let that pass. It was I who told CR what the Thing we were searching for actually looked like. As I say, it probably does not Matter.”

“I see that you  managed to invite all your Friends and Relations as usual. Nothing changes, then?”

“I did not invite them. I never do. If you remember the original trip to find the North Pole, they just came then as well. They always do!”

“Well, I suppose that they were there, so it is only fair that they are here to Celebrate Pooh’s discovery of the Pole. I don’t see Alexander Beetle?”

“He never recovered from the ‘Hush’ incident and being at the tail end of the whole Expotition. He went off to live quietly ever-afterwards with his Aunt. Best thing that he ever did, as it happens. His Aunt bought him an Amstrad and he is now a Reclusive cyber millionaire specialising in the online sale of Pooh memorabilia. He’s making pots of money and I managed to negotiate Pooh a percentage deal in pots of hunny.”

“Talking about animals who were there, Kanga has aged terribly. Did something happen to Roo?”

“Piglet, what part of the 100 Aker Wood have you been living in? Remember when Tigger appeared and shacked up with Kanga? That was yet another of our Author’s little Eumephisms, as Wol would probably say. AA tried to sell us all the story that Tigger was only staying with Kanga for the Extract of Malt but, believe me,  he was getting a lot more than that on a regular basis.

Roo was in therapy for years when  he found out and got Stranger and Stranger. Eventually, he moved out and went off to live in a commune in Australia saying that he needed to get in touch with his Marsupialousness.

As soon as he had gone antipodean, Kanga and Tigger went public, married and set off on their honeymoon. Tragically, there was a bungee jump at their resort. Tigger explained to her that bungee jumping was what Tiggers were best at, being really Bouncy. Just a pity that he jumped off before they had a chance to tie the cord to him. Kanga’s never been the same since. Pooh did write a lovely Pom for the Funeral.

‘Here’s spread our friend, the flattened Tigger,
Who never quite knew what was best.
He’s gone now to Eternal Rest.
To get him out, they used a digger
And now he won’t get any bigger.’

“What about CR? Where is he?”

“He dropped out of sight after all that publicity when Alice struck the deal with Max Clifford to sell her story to the tabloids. You must remember that one? Our Author even made a reference to it in his poem about her marrying one of the guards at Buckingham Palace. ‘Christopher Robin went down with Alice’ is a total giveaway, in my opinion.

I do not blame Alice, of course. It must have been a bit of a Blow when CR broke up her marriage by going off with the guardsman  instead of her.“

“And Eeyore?”

“You will not believe this one. I do not know if you ever noticed it but he tended to be slightly Negative about Things. He got a bit of a Reputation for it. About four years ago, he reached the final of the ‘Most Depressed Character in a Work of Fiction’. Off he trotted to the Awards Ceremony, only to come second to Marvin the Paranoid Android.

On his way back through the Forest, who should he come across but Titania? She had finally Split from Oberon because of his obsessive jealousy. She has always had this Thing for ‘Creatures of the Donkey Persuasion’. They were married within the month and he’s never been less miserable.”

“I suppose that I should do the Decent Thing and have a word or forty two with Wol. Is he about?”

“You’ll see him later on. We can only have the Venue until 10.30 and we have to be out by 11. I have booked him as the Cabaret and he’s due on at 10.45. to tell us something Extremely Wise at Very Great Length. I think that we should have the place clear in five minutes, at the very most.”

“Rabbit, I have to ask. How is Pooh?”

“In all honesty, Piglet, he is really looking forward to seeing you. He never talks about it, but I always wonder what Happened between the two of you?”

“I gave him the best years of my life, Rabbit, and he threw them away like a discarded Pooh stick. I blame Walt Disney and all that Hollywood Hype. They took him over to California and they turned his head. He was an early Colin Firth, when you think about it.

You were there in the golden Age of the Original Works of Our Author. You remember when Pooh was wedged in your front door and CR had to read him  a ‘Sustaining Book, such as would help a Wedged Bear in Great Tightness’ until he slimmed down.

All the fans remember these days is that bloody gopher who was brought in to replace me for the American market and his nonsense about using Explotive Substances to free Pooh. Our Author must be spinning in his grave, even if his Descendants are still raking in the Royalties.”

“Piglet, Pooh knows that he was wrong to drop you. He’s desperate to make it up to you. Come and meet him?”

“Silly old Pooh! Lead me to him.”