Category: General

And that’s when – 2

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer.  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

I’ll meet you further on up the road

My oldest son begins his fourth and final year at university next week. His third year was spent on placement at a firm. He should have finished there two months ago but the powers that be asked if he would like to stay for the extra months. He said yes. His last day was on Friday and he had a night out with his co-workers. On his behalf I felt overwhelming sadness. Sadness that we all have felt. This would be the last time he would see some of these people in his life. We move on, we always move on and left behind are persons, good and bad. Continue reading “I’ll meet you further on up the road”

And that’s when the fight started – 1

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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Mega Joke

WW1 explained using a bar fight as a metaphorical learning vehicle.

From a history teacher in the UK. I wish I had history teachers like that….

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Continue reading “Mega Joke”

What to get for the lady who does not want anything.

Recently, it was my dear old aunt’s 90th birthday. Naturally, the whole family wanted to have some special celebrations on this occasion, and so I asked her what she would like for her birthday (Her kids, my cousins, had already organised a party). The trouble is, she has just about everything she wants out of life and was singularly unhelpful with suggestions saying, “Oh you don’t want to bother about that”.

She is a great old lady, and it is only in the last year that she has felt unable to catch the bus to the local station and take a train to the West End to do some shopping alone.
Continue reading “What to get for the lady who does not want anything.”

The frisky elderly.

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder.

The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex…He could also fly.’