Author: zenrules

Two men are out ice fishing Continue reading “Don’t be rushed”

My friend went to a toy shop yesterday to find a birthday present for his son & asked… “Do you have any models of Italian cruise liners?”

“Yes we do.” Said the bloke behind the counter.

…”Can you put it on one side for me?” he replied.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, ‘What’s the story?’ Continue reading “Car trouble”

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Tesco!

Why Tesco??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

Tesco is the largest re-tailer in the UK !!!

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning…. Continue reading “The three bears – modernised”

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: ‘I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!’

Hung Chow calls his work and says, ‘Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick .

Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.’

The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what You say and I feel great. I be at wok soon………You got nice house…

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.
He is doing very well, and says prophets are going through the roof.

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5: I’ve never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10: Don’t play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19: I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more.