Author: zenrules

64,MS,wheelchair,angry

Quickies

The teacher says, “OK class, I’d like you to tell me what you really need at home.”

Suzie says, “We really need a new computer.”
The teacher says, “Yes, that would be useful.”

Wendy says, “We really need a new car.”
The teacher says, “Yes, that would be useful too.”

Little Johnny says, “We don’t need anything!!”
The teacher says, “Oh, come on. Everybody needs something.”

Little Johnny says, “No! My Sister came home with a Muslim yesterday, and my Dad said,
‘Well, that’s all we f—–g need !!!!'”

I think you are the father of one of my kids!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

> MORAL OF THE MESSAGE: Always understand what a person is saying before responding

Chewing Gum

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’

The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’ Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ‘.

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’  The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.  Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’

The Promised Land

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel “pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.”

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land.”

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn’t realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy “merchant bankers” and increased Vat to 20%.

I am so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.