Decorative fountains are one of those things that nobody can walk past without looking at or commenting on favourably. “Spectacular” “Lovely” “Beautiful” “Majestic” jabba, jabba, jabba. When you get to the Davy Jones’s Locker of it you’ll find it’s only a fancy water display. A waste of space, a waste of time and a waste of water. Don’t give me the recycle argument. There must be spillage and water will be seeping away, no matter how much you try to dam it.
The fountain’s elemental cousin, Firework’s, is also over rated. When you’ve seen one flash of light go off with a bang you’ve seen and heard them all. And thus it is with fountains. One fountain is as good or as boring as the other. Can’t believe how any one can choose a favourite fountain. My disgust of fountains is similar to a woman’s knowledge of cars. You know how when you ask a woman what type of car her husband drives and she’ll answer “a blue one” well, when I’m asked what type of fountain I’ve just seen I’ll say “a watery one”.
I’m sure we have all had the bad experience of a dripping tap. You need to get a plumber to fix it but before he arrives you have to put up with the annoying drip. Drip, drip, drip. It’s dripping, sorry driving you up the wall. Now consider a fountain. This is a mountain of dripping taps. Think of a dripping tap and multiply it by…well…lots and lots and lots of dripping taps. The noise of fountains is deafening. You can’t hear yourself think and then you hear some sap say “Wonderful”. It makes me splutter.
Belgium has only got itself to blame. This country has been derided for lacking any people of fame. Name a famous Belgian is frequently asked and frequently unanswered, because there isn’t any. The only thing the Kingdom of Belgium is known for is a creation by Hieronymus duquesnoy the Elder. This is a fountain sculpture of a little boy peeing entitled Manneken Pis. They’re definitely taking it here.
Another thing that has always boiled my blood when encountering elaborate rainfalls is the superstition angle these landmarks play on sane human beings. The general populace throw coins into the fountain and make a wish! Are you out of your mind? Why are you giving money away, there’s no magic here. It’s a fountain. Your wish will just as likely happen if you don’t feed the drain. Keep the money in your pocket for a rainy day.
The only good fountain; and it’s not been made yet; hint, hint, to any would-be famous Belgians out there- would be a fountain of beer. Imagine a cascading river of McEwan’s Export raining from the heavens onto the mouths of the waiting public. “Effervescent” “Tasty” “Refreshing” “Quality” “My wish came true” “Hic”