Overrated: Fountains

Decorative fountains are one of those things that nobody can walk past without looking at or commenting on favourably. “Spectacular” “Lovely” “Beautiful” “Majestic” jabba, jabba, jabba. When you get to the Davy Jones’s Locker of it you’ll find it’s only a fancy water display. A waste of space, a waste of time and a waste of water. Don’t give me the recycle argument. There must be spillage and water will be seeping away, no matter how much you try to dam it.

The fountain’s elemental cousin, Firework’s, is also over rated. When you’ve seen one flash of light go off with a bang you’ve seen and heard them all. And thus it is with fountains. One fountain is as good or as boring as the other. Can’t believe how any one can choose a favourite fountain. My disgust of fountains is similar to a woman’s knowledge of cars. You know how when you ask a woman what type of car her husband drives and she’ll answer “a blue one” well, when I’m asked what type of fountain I’ve just seen I’ll say “a watery one”.

I’m sure we have all had the bad experience of a dripping tap. You need to get a plumber to fix it but before he arrives you have to put up with the annoying drip. Drip, drip, drip. It’s dripping, sorry driving you up the wall. Now consider a fountain. This is a mountain of dripping taps. Think of a dripping tap and multiply it by…well…lots and lots and lots of dripping taps. The noise of fountains is deafening. You can’t hear yourself think and then you hear some sap say “Wonderful”. It makes me splutter.

Belgium has only got itself to blame. This country has been derided for lacking any people of fame. Name a famous Belgian is frequently asked and frequently unanswered, because there isn’t any. The only thing the Kingdom of Belgium is known for is a creation by Hieronymus duquesnoy the Elder. This is a fountain sculpture of a little boy peeing entitled Manneken Pis. They’re definitely taking it here.

Another thing that has always boiled my blood when encountering elaborate rainfalls is the superstition angle these landmarks play on sane human beings. The general populace throw coins into the fountain and make a wish! Are you out of your mind? Why are you giving money away, there’s no magic here. It’s a fountain. Your wish will just as likely happen if you don’t feed the drain. Keep the money in your pocket for a rainy day.

The only good fountain; and it’s not been made yet; hint, hint, to any would-be famous Belgians out there- would be a fountain of beer. Imagine a cascading river of McEwan’s Export raining from the heavens onto the mouths of the waiting public. “Effervescent” “Tasty” “Refreshing” “Quality” “My wish came true” “Hic”

9 thoughts on “Overrated: Fountains”

  1. Ah, yes. The McEwans would reach the parts hitherto only accessible to the Heinekens.

    Copenhagen’s little mermaid is as underwhelming as the Brussels boy – in the flesh, as it were. And she doesn’t even spout from any orifice.

  2. Never really thought about them much.
    But casting an idle brain cell on the subject it strikes me that there are far more of them in flat and dreary places.
    Places with hills, mountains and real waterfalls rarely seem to indulge.
    Taking your exposition at face value I can’t quite understand why they get you going so much.
    One thing that would concern me these days, especially in London would be pollution.
    God know what feral homeless East Europeans are actually DOING in them!
    Positive health hazard!
    Running water has a pleasant soothing sound. We have a stream here on our land. When it has rained and is running high it can be heard day and night.

    Personally I would have thought the voices of satnavs giving idiot instruction were far more irritating!

  3. Morning Mrs O.

    Why fountains and not pollution or immigration? Frankly, I prefer to leave the unimportant issues alone and concentrate on society’s serious problems. Fountains are a blight on the land. Vital supplies of water should not be used in such an artificial way. I don’t see the aesthetics in them at all. It’s like watching someone sprinkle their garden!

  4. christinaosborne :

    …….But casting an idle brain cell on the subject it strikes me that there are far more of them in flat and dreary places.
    Places with hills, mountains and real waterfalls rarely seem to indulge.

    Good afternoon, CO.

    Good to see that you are at one with that great Jock poet Lord Byron when he contrasted the landscapes of England and Scotland in his poem ‘Lochnagar’

    ‘Away ye gay landscapes, ye gardens of roses
    In you let the minions of luxury rove
    Restore me the rocks where the snowflake reposes
    If still they are sacred to freedom and love.
    Yet Caledonia, dear are thy mountains
    Round their white summits tho’ elements war
    Tho’ cataracts foam ‘stead of smooth flowing fountains
    I sigh for the valley of dark Lochnagar.

    Years have rolled on, Lochnagar, since I left you
    Years must elapse ere I see you again
    Tho’ nature of verdure and flowers has bereft you
    Yet still thou art dearer than Albion’s plain.
    England thy beauties are tame and domestic
    To one who has roved on the mountains afar
    Oh! For the crags that are wild and magestic
    The steep frowning glories of dark Lochnagar.’

  5. Very much so JM. I come from hills and cannot bear to live anywhere flat, find it utterly depressing.
    I like to see ‘THEM’ coming so to speak!

    Oh dear royalist you would have a fit here then. Watering goes on 24 hrs a day in my garden and its all FREE. Here I am using up all this water belonging to every body else and not letting them have a drop. The beauty of your own private well!

    I am very glad to note that available water supplies limits immigration and in some instances acts as a perfect system of natural birth control. Drought is a great winnower of overpopulated and overbreeding locations. Pity it hasn’t taken effect in London as yet!!

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