An Answer to FEEG

‘Just finished watching the BBC coverage of the Edinburgh Tattoo. It was as entertaining as it was when Mrs FEEG and I were there in person 10 years ago. Absolutely stunning.

There is still one question that arises from it, though. When you are in Auld Reekie, the atmosphere around Festival time is great except for all the “bagpipe buskers”.

So, my question for Mr Mackie is, “Why is it that bagpipe solos sound like a particularly sadistic version of cat strangulation, whereas a massed pipe and drum band is one of the greatest sounds on Earth?” ‘

A very fair question, FEEG and one which I have often pondered of a summer evening as my homeward bus sits at the junction of Waverley Bridge and Princes Street snarled up in the interminable Embran pre-tram delays. That spot is one of the mercifully very few where licensed bagpipe playing by a succession of inept pipers clothed in many and varied versions of what they fondly believe to be ‘The Garb of Old Gaul’ as in the regimental march of Her Majesty’s Scots Guards is allowed.

Not that said inepts play that particular tune very often. Their repertoire usually runs through uninspired performances of ‘Scotland the Brave’, ‘Highland Cathedral’, ‘Mull of Kintyre’ and a few other hackneyed, over-played and often over-blown standards. May their reeds rot in their chanters and in all of their drones!

I don’t blame them. There are easy pickings to be made from eager tourists clamouring to have their photos taken next to a man with bare knees aping the example of Old Nick in ‘Tam O’Shanter who, according to our Rabbie, ‘screwed the pipes and gart them skirl’.

I do blame Mel Gibson  in ‘Braveheart ‘ for this Outlander  belief that all of us Jocks are blessed with sheer animal magnetism. Don’t blame him too much, of course. You just can’t fight the truth.

In fact, our corner-hogging and licensed pipe-screwers would probably make the same money even if we fitted silencers to their bagpipes. I’ll write to the Council suggesting it once I’ve finished composing my ten volume epistle to them about the bloody trams.

Down the road from me there is a Scout Hall where aspiring young pipers practice. If you think that solo bagpipe playing is bad, you should try living within earshot of apprentice solo bagpipe murdering.

But with respect, you are wrong. I’ll give you the buskers and I see where you are coming from and why you might choose to hold your ears in pain. But the lone piper on the battlements of Embra Castle at the end of the Tattoo still raises my hair and hackles in the right way every time.

And there will always be this particular lone piper for me.

15 thoughts on “An Answer to FEEG”

  3. I have always enjoyed coverage of the Embra Tattoo, certainly the visiting bands and the Royal Marines’ drum solos in particular. The Brits are the only ones who can do dignity and gravitas, as coverage of any Septic public/state thrash involving ‘Mericans and their military amply demonstrates. However, I have noticed an increasing Jockanese take on things in recent years and half expect the tubby nationalist to appear in an open-topped limo to take credit for the performances of the BRITISH Armed Forces. Fekkim, And bring on independence after which Salmond can be left swinging in a grey, wet and generally ignored part of the world and the Embra Tattoo can be held at Windsor Castle or the Pier Head or Swansea Docks or Harland and Wolf.

    OZ

  4. Here’s an idea, OZ. Have an English tattoo at Windsor Castle or a Welsh one at Swansea docks. And no, you can’t have our bagpipers, but some of the English colliery brass bands were very good.

    btw, I feel that Salmond may well be left swinging in the void after the independence vote.

  6. Yes, Janus, the Grimethorpe Colliery Band playing Rodrigo’s “Concierto de Aranjuez” in the film “Brassed Off” is superb. Son says he’s never known granddaughter sit so still as when we put on the YouTube clip. So with that and the Royal Marines, you’ve got your Windsor tattoo.

  7. Mr M: Thank you for your response. While I agree that someone like the Lone Piper on the battlements of the Castle is much better and more skilful than the average cat strangler on the Royal Mile or Princes Street, it still does not do it for me in the same was as massed pipes and drums do.

    Sheona, yes. English brass and military bands can be very good. My late father-in-law was an ex RAF musician and he conducted several brass bands and went on to become a national brass band judge (and he was Scottish, but not from Mr Mackie’s pied a terre, but the other place).

    Not so sure about the Welsh tattoo. Not so easy to march with a harp, but some male voice choirs do the business though!

  8. Perhaps an eistedfodd would suffice, FEEG. And the other place is infinitely preferable to JM’s neck of the woods.

  9. sheona :

    Perhaps an eistedfodd would suffice, FEEG. And the other place is infinitely preferable to JM’s neck of the woods.

    Fighting talk. Over to you Mr Mackie! 🙂

  10. Since Christina is not around at the moment, I’ll stick my neck out by pointing out that the word is spelt eisteddfod, and pronounced something roughly like eye-steth-vod. 😀

  12. Bearsy has it right re spelling and pronunciation!
    Once you have worked out that double consonants have a differing sound completely from the same as a single consonant it all gets a lot easier!
    And w and y can be vowels………

    Never forget a highland games somewhere in the Dee valley. The parents were visiting us and we all went. The first skirl of the pipes and the old man fainted dead away. Carried off to the first aid tent, came round trembling and damned nigh fitting.
    For some obscure reason it bought back after nearly fifty years WWI. He was a radio/morse trainer in the trenches, seconded to a Highland Regiment, that is all he did as they were killed so quickly. Evidently they played the pipes in the lines at night, all night, it upset the Germans dreadfully evidently!! Poor souls were very brave being used as drunken cannon fodder, they were given half a pint of whisky for breakfast and little else!
    I think I’ll stick with the harp!

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