Dear Cherished Colleagues
I am writing to you for the first time from outside The Cave, namely from the cafe in the village that has just become an internet hotspot (or whatever you call it). This is ace as I can now ride the Chariot and have a beer at the same time. Who said thick-pawed wolves couldn’t multitask?
Anyway, to business. The reason I am here is because I have been hit by something called malware. I was called just before Christmas by somebody in London purporting to be from Windows who claimed I had big problems with my OS and that they could help. It was all very, very plausible until the barsteward asked for credit card details, at which point I put the phone down. Now he may have been a Nigerian prince I don’t know, but even I would not give such details to some stranger who rang me. Then, a month or so ago, my computer warned me that its disc was full and that it was infected. The messages looked like genuine Microsoft error messages and invited me to follow procedures to recover disk space. After about four steps the program required money to eradicate further files.
It took a French friend of mine with a geek IQ quotient way off the scale four beers to decontaminate my poor computer and it is now bug free and which is why I’m still in the cafe.
So, be warned.
OZ
Boadicea's Chariot 
If anyone phones to say your computer is not working properly there is a short and simple answer. It consists of two words, the second of which is “off”.
One call I had told me my WIndows computer was misbehaving and that the caller could fix it for me. I pointed out that the only computer running in the house was a Linux one, which was true, and then used the aforementioned witty response!
I am quite content in not having a telephone other than a small mobile which, until last year,
virtually know one was able to reach as I hardly ever gave out the number. I simply tell such
people to go to hot places and do naughty things with themselves there. Which anti-virus/malware software
do you use, OZ? I use AVG Free and have had excellent results.
Would you believe that I too have had more than one call over the past couple of years claiming that my computer is malfunctioning, I replied that we don’t own a computer, they immediately rang off.
On each occasion I seem to recall that the caller had an American accent, perhaps they think that lends authenticity to their ridiculous claims.
Oz please answer your email re sleeves.
OZ, how many reminders do you need,man? The sleeves situation is serious. Don’t come running to me when MrsO sends you a tank top.
We’ve had a few such callers in the last months – they all have heavy Asian accents! I don’t even waste my time telling them about sex and travel – I simply hang up!
royalist, bloody funny!
Sorted.
OZ