The Rules

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are “The Rules” from the male side. These are our rules! Please note they are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, just put it down. We need it up and you need it down, but you don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1) Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not tests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

1) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Let it be.

1) Don’t cut your hair. Ever! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and then you’re stuck with her.

1) Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1) Crying is blackmail.

1) ASK for what you want! Let’s be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1) We do not remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar and remind us frequently beforehand.

1) Most men own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we would be any good at choosing which pair, out of forty, would look good with your dress?

1) You have enough clothes anyway and anything you wear is fine. Really.

1) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask.

1) ”Yes”, “No” and “Mmnnn” are perfectly acceptable answers to most every question.

1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1) A headache that lasts seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

1) Check your oil occasionally, pleeease! It is an essential part of the car we bought you.

1) Anything you said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments are null and void after seven days.

1) If you won’t dress up like the Victoria’s Secret girls then don’t expect us to act like Brad Pitt.

1) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1) Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

1) The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1) Do not question our sense of direction. Christopher Columbus did not need advice and nor do we.

1) Dieting doesn’t work without exercise.

1) Your brother IS an idiot, and your Mum doesn’t have to be our best friend

1) No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will.

1) Yes, taking a pee standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

1) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

1)It’s never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

1) Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

1) Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

1) Don’t ask what we’re thinking unless you want a protracted discussion about rugby, sports cars and sex.

1) Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo’d t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

1) When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

1) If you want dessert after a meal – order some. You don’t have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don’t say “No, I couldn’t/shouldn’t/don’t want any” and then eat half of mine.

1) If you’re on a diet it doesn’t mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man’s four essential food groups are white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities – everything else falls under the category ‘garnish’.

1) All men see only sixteen colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit and pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is.

1) If you ask what is wrong and you say ”nothing”, then we will act like nothing’s wrong.

1) I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Happy Sunday, ladies.

OZ