Haggis Go Home

As we steadfastly march behind our Dear Leader towards the glorious dawn of Scottish Independence, fanned by the zephyr-like breath of the tens of millions of wind turbines crowding across every available inch of our mountains and glens and far too sober thanks to the extortionate amount of alcohol duty levied by the Health Fascists of the Scottish Parliament, it is time to reflect on one of the few good things which will come out of that Independence.

One of the first edicts of Emperor Salmond will be to declare haggis a banned substance. For far too long our proud nation has lived with the vile calumny that we are responsible for this abomination. Haggis is one of the main reasons why we have a totally undeserved reputation for being dour and miserable. You would be pretty hacked off too if that was what you were supposed to dish up and eat every time that there was some sort of national celebration. It’s all the fault of the English and their erstwhile colonial masters, the Romans.

I refer you to the famous Roman historian/poet Livid and his oft-quoted ‘Hagges a Romanis revelata sunt’. Having discovered haggises, tasted them and spat them out, they sent them off to sustain the subject nations. Which is how they arrived in England. The Romans tried to foist them off on us as well in their forays into Caledonia (stern and wild) but we got severely piqued about that. That’s why they called us the Picts. The Romans got so fed up with us lobbing the uneaten haggises back at them that they built a wall to stop us.

We lived free and unhaggis-fed for centuries after that until we signed up in our own self interest to the United Kingdom of Great Britain in 1707. We were betrayed. As you will all remember, Article 210 of the Act clearly said ‘No stinking haggis muck will be imported into North Britain’.

Oh, that perfidious Albion! Within months of the Union, English agents were trying to reduce their haggis glut by flogging them to us. Didn’t work to begin with but then the English Haggis Marketing Board were lucky enough to employ two of the greatest spin doctors of all time.

Step forward Sir Walter English and Bob Burns. Sir Walter changed his name to the Jock-friendly ‘Scott’ and beavered away in Embra inventing a completely mythical history to soften us up. Meanwhile Bob, who originally came from Essex, learnt the Scots language, changed his name to Rabbie and was embedded in an Ayrshire farming family. In due course, he wrote ‘To a Haggis’ and the rest is an alternative and deeply untrue history. But now, the time has come to set the record straight.

To paraphrase The Proclaimers, ‘Haggis no more’. Let us rise as a free and united people and drive this English-imposed excrescence from our own dear native land for ever.

Mind, we’ll keep the Burns Suppers and the whisky. We just have to think of something to eat instead of the sheep’s stomach thing.

Being a Wodehouse fan, I’m tempted to suggest ‘Timbales de Ris de Veau Toulousaines’ as prepared by Aunt Dahlia’s chef, Anatole.

Or deep-fried Mars Bars.

21 thoughts on “Haggis Go Home”

  1. May I suggest for Burns Night that you keep the whisky and replace the haggis with roast beef and Yorkshires then? 🙂

  2. An entertaining and very erudite rant as always, Mr Mackie. Brightened up a dark and wet Saturday afternoon it did, much more so than the so far dour Wales vs Argentina stramash. By the way, WTF is ‘Dove Men Care’ and what is its advertisement doing painted on the centre circle of the pitch of a rugby international?

    OZ
    .

  3. May I suggest tongue ‘n cheek as suitable substitutes, Mr Mackie? 😉

    Thanks for the enjoyable post.

  4. christinaosborne :

    Perhaps haggii should become protected species?

    If by any etymological stretch the word ‘haggis’ comes from the Greek ‘hagios’, originally ‘set apart’, then ‘sacred’, a reservation would be a fitting place for them.

  5. Janus :

    christinaosborne :

    Perhaps haggii should become protected species?

    If by any etymological stretch the word ‘haggis’ comes from the Greek ‘hagios’, originally ‘set apart’, then ‘sacred’, a reservation would be a fitting place for them.

    As I said on Soutie’s post 🙂

    Four-eyed English Genius :

    At the risk of upsetting Mr Mackie and others of a Caledonian persuasion, there is an item in today’s Telegraph which says that haggis was first eaten in Ancient Greece. :-)

  6. Ha ha, love it.

    If my earlier post in anyway encouraged you to publish this, I’m absolutely delighted 😉

    Next you’ll be disowning bagpipes and telling us it was all the Persians / Indians fault!

  7. Not only did you jump on Soutie’s bandwagon you “pinched” my word. Steadfast is mine and mine alone.

    Great, great, funny blog. I’ve no time for the Salmonella man, either.

    Ok John, now for the serious bit. No doubt, you will be worried sick about the plight of Heart of Midlothian. It doesn’t look good, does it? You have my sympathy and I hope things work out well for you in the end. We were lucky to escape our fate. At the risk of facing the wrath of some fellow authors, football can be important. If the football club you have supported all your life ceases to exist then it is hard to take. Again, I wish you good luck. I’m not one of the Rangers faithful that want teams to go the wall. As the saying goes- An eye for an eye will leave everyone blind.

    Not sure if you’ve heard or not but our recovery goes from strength to strength as Walter Smith MBE has joined the board.

  8. Ferret :

    I like haggis.

    Good evening, guru.

    There you are then!

    1. You like haggis.

    2. You are English.

    3. Scots don’t like the English.

    4. Therefore, Scots do not like haggis.

    This philosophical reasoning is a doddle when you think about it. Just call me Jamie McNab.

  9. theroyalist :

    Not only did you jump on Soutie’s bandwagon you “pinched” my word. Steadfast is mine and mine alone.

    Ok John, now for the serious bit. No doubt, you will be worried sick about the plight of Heart of Midlothian. It doesn’t look good, does it?

    Hi JW. Walter for Scotland!

    Thanks fro your best wishes. Indulging in severe displacement activity haggis-wise as I am worried sick. You got administration. HMRC are threatening us with liquidation. And bloody Hibs are top of the league!

    I think that we will survive this one but am not sure we can keep on dodging the financial bullet. At least we have an appropriate shirt sponsor in Wonga. I wonder if they would give us a loan if we asked nicel?

  10. It’ll be good to see you sweaties start crying when we lay a pipe from our oil fields down to Redcar, move our submarine and shipyards back to Portsmouth, stop paying you shitloads extra per head in tax subsidies and kick all those frickin oat munching morons out of westminster and back to the land of ginger. I hope you enjoy Gordon Bruin and his fellow oxygen thieves with nothing to support you but whisky and buckfast. 🙂
    Oh and exactly who will defend you when the invaders kick off. We would love to help, but we will be far too busy reinforcing the wall.

  11. Ferret :

    It’ll be good to see you sweaties start crying when we lay a pipe from our oil fields down to Redcar, move our submarine and shipyards back to Portsmouth, stop paying you shitloads extra per head in tax subsidies and kick all those frickin oat munching morons out of westminster and back to the land of ginger. I hope you enjoy Gordon Bruin and his fellow oxygen thieves with nothing to support you but whisky and buckfast. :)
    Oh and exactly who will defend you when the invaders kick off. We would love to help, but we will be far too busy reinforcing the wall.

    Don’t wrap it up, Ferret. Tell ’em straight!

    🙂

    OZ

  12. John Mackie :

    Ferret :

    I like haggis.

    Good evening, guru.

    There you are then!

    1. You like haggis.

    2. You are English.

    3. Scots don’t like the English.

    4. Therefore, Scots do not like haggis.

    This philosophical reasoning is a doddle when you think about it. Just call me Jamie McNab.

    Oh no! I’ve just realised – you ARE alias McNab! That’s supernatural.

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