Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.html’ and try to download Tears.

Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember – overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Author: janh1

Part-time hedonist.

9 thoughts on “Tech Support”

  1. Hi Janh, reminded me of these 🙂

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

    Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?

    Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

    Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.

    Customer: Okay.

    Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?

    Customer: Yes.

    Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

    Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Wait a moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work.


    Tech Support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, and the number ’7′.

    Customer: Is that ’7′ in capital letters?

    Customer: I can’t get on the internet.

    Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?

    Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my co-worker do it.

    Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?

    Customer: Five dots.
    Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?

    Customer: Netscape.

    Tech Support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

    Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.

    Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer .. . . but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.


    Tech Support: How may I help you?

    Customer: I’m writing my first email.

    Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

    Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.
    A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.

    Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?

    Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!

    Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.

    Customer: I don’t have a ‘P’.

    Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

    Customer: What do you mean ?

    Tech Support: ‘P’ .. . . on your keyboard, Bob.

    Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

  2. OK, chaps, we cannot let Jan get away with this. This is an oldie but goodie:

    Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog, leaving very little system resource for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always lauched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity.

    He’s finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.:
    A “Don’t remind me again” button
    Minimize button
    An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
    I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You’d think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

    Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

    ******** BUG WARNING ********

    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
    ******** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ********

    To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name.
    Jim’s comment on above bug
    There are in fact two versions of this bug, and it seems to be a matter of luck which one you get afflicted with. The version described is the milder of the two. With the worse version, before uninstalling itself Wife 1.0 uses the Divorce protocol to install Lawyer 1.0 (and sometimes also Lawyer 1.1, Lawyer 1.2 and Lawyer 1.3 as well).

    Lawyer (any version) will run for an indeterminate but lengthy period constantly consuming all resources. When it eventually ends it automatically installs Alimony 26.5, which removes MSMoney and any other financial application as soon as you install it. The core of Lawyer 1.0 remains as a TSR during this time, crashing the system as soon as any attempt is made to stop Alimony 26.5 or to interfere with its operation. This sometimes leads to fatal breakdown of the entire system.

  3. Brilliant FEEG!! 🙂

    Aw come on, what would you guys do without the “Don’t remind me again” button, huh?

  4. Nice come back FEEG!

    And Jan……we’d have a quite life, that’s what! 😀

  5. Brilliant; FFEG and Jan.
    YOu might also want to try running the fancypiece application in conjunction with your current installation, but it can be a bit jerky and it does take time to load, so you might actually need to go for a complete repair, which basically means stripping everything.

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