The Secret Contract – JW’s CW Competition

‘Look, it’s all very simple. You want to be famous, we want you to be famous and you could be incredibly famous or even, who knows, infamous. You have the boyish smile, which really works on tv, the slightly annoying but instantly recognisable voice and inflection and the fact that you are completely full of yourself and utterly devoid of any principle or genuine conviction or belief of any sort. Works for us and you are a natural. All you have to do is sign the contract’.

‘I’m sorry, but I do not intend to prostitute myself by peddling half-truths and fabrications to the masses. I’m a pretty straight sort of guy and my intellectual rigour is far too great for that.’

‘Intellectual rigour, my left buttock, but the ‘straight sort of guy’ is a superb line. Keep that one in the act. Face facts! It’s a harsh and cruel world out there and it does not owe you a living. Play your cards right, buy into the game and, by 2019, you could be on quality future programmes which we have in the pipeline like ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ or even ‘I’m a Celebrity’ to keep your name known. We could probably book you in for being Katie Price’s next husband but three as well, if you’re interested? You won’t have heard of her at the moment, of course, but she is going to be mega if the ‘Star’ and ‘Express’ have anything to do with it. Sign the contract.’

‘Why have I never heard about you before?’

‘Why should you have heard about us? We don’t want you to have heard about us and we’re good at not being heard about. It’s what we do. Otherwise, you might have heard about us, if you think about it. Sign the contract.’

‘But what do I get out of it?’

‘Nothing much really. Only fleeting fame and the chance to shaft your country in so many different ways. Plus, and this is a killer, you get the gig as Peace Envoy for the Middle East just as we get the whole thing to kick off big time. You won’t actually have to do anything or say anything or even go there very often. Won’t that be fun? We know that you want to. Sign the contract.’

‘What do you get out of it?’

‘Nothing much either, really. Just your damned soul for eternity after your death. You do get the Bank Holidays off, to be fair. Is that too much to ask? Sign the contract.’

‘So, what you are saying is that, if I sign up, I get worldwide exposure and that people will love me?’

‘A bridge too far, perhaps. All that I can promise you is that people will certainly know who and what you are. Sign the contract.’

‘Well, this all seems very reasonable. Where do I sign?’

‘Here, here, here ,here and there. A pleasure to do business with you.’

‘What should I call you?’

‘Well, I’ve been around a while. Almost since the start, when I think about it. You’re not my first client and you won’t be my last. I still have fond memories of the very first. Eve was a lovely girl. So just call me Snake. It brings back happy memories.’

‘Hang on a minute. I just noticed that, under Clause III, Paragraph XVII, section V, subsection i, I have agreed to ‘cohabit with one of the operatives of the Party of the First Part’ to ensure that I am keeping my side of the contract. What’s that all about?’

‘Always check the small print, friend. Your personal Hell starts here. Let me introduce you. Cherie, come and meet the latest poor sap.’

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