Billy Bennett

This months ‘poetry’ competition theme is parody and while searching for answers to Boa’s ‘Who are they?’ competition I came across the music hall comedian Billy Bennett. I recall that many extracts from his monologues were catch phrases, some of which still are – ‘It’s the same the whole world over – it’s the poor what gets the blame!’

Billy’s slogan was ‘Almost a Gentleman’ and he did his best to live up to it by wearing an ill-fitting dress suit, a waistcoat out of which his shirt hung, and a large, untrimmed walrus moustache. His style was raucous, and with his coarse, non-stop approach would batter any audience into submission with songs like The Green Tie of the Little Yellow Dog, with its references to ‘who-flung-dung’ and ‘Gonga-pooch’ which is the Hindu word for bum! Apart from various songs with a military slant -for which he would dress up in a scruffy army uniform – Billy was also the composer of that famous song of the pretty country girl who is lured to the bright lights of the city and there suffers the inevitable fate at the hands of some wealthy gent, ‘It’s the same the whole world over – it’s the poor what gets the blame!’ For this piece of inspired vulgarity alone, Billy Bennett has a special place in the comedy singer’s hall of fame.

MANDALAY (2)
by
Billy Bennett

On the banks of the River Schlemozzle,
Mid the deserts and sands of Dundalk,
I’ve hunted wild llamas in purple pyjamas,
I’ve eaten pea soup with a fork.
I’ve struggled with skivvies and oojah-ka-pivvies,
I’ve milked tabby cats in Tibet.
I’ve cut off the conkers from buzz-a-fazonkers,
But oh, the worst time I’ve had yet, was

On The Road To Mandalay, where you’ll see the fried fish play.
They bring their own chips with them when it’s early-closing day.
There’s Ghurkas doing mazurkas with baboons inside their bunks,
There’s kangaroos with carpet bags and elephants with trunks,
And fat men dump their ‘ombongpong’ inside their Clapham Juncs
On The Road To Mandalay.

In an old white-washed pagoda, looking Eastward to the West,
A Burmese girl from Bermondsey sits in a sparrow’s nest.
She’s as pretty as a picture, though she lost one eye they say,
Through the Black Hole of Calcutta, and the keyhole of Bombay.

Look as far as you can see, boy, look a little further son,
For that Burma girl is burning – stick a fork in, see if she’s done.
Oh, that dainty dusky damsel, Indian features, proud and sweet;
Indian ink upon her fingers, Indian corns upon her feet.

There’s not a drop of water, in this waste of desert land.
The soldiers’ tongues are hanging out, and trailing in the sand.
They’re hanging out like carpets, and you’ll hear the natives say
“Mr Drage has laid the lino, On The Road To Mandalay.”

See that stately dromedary with his hind leg give a kick,
On his back there’s two mosquitoes singing “Stop Your Jockling, Tick”.
On the hump there sit two Hindus: when the drom-drom gives a cough
And they exit through the early doors, as the monkey says “They’re off!”

There’s a farm on the horizon, looking eastward to Siam,
We could have some ham and eggs there, if they had some eggs and ham
They’ve only got one hen, they call her “Mandy” by the way,
They found out she’s a cock – that’s why they can’t make Mandy lay.

There’s no maps for the soldiers, in this land of Gunga Din,
So they picked the toughest warrior out, and tattooed on his skin.
On his back he’s got Calcutta, lower down he’s got Bombay.
And you’ll find him sitting peacefully On The Road To Mandalay.

On The Road To Mandalay,where the girls are tout-au-fait
They wear short skirts and shingled hair, and one dark foggy day,
I chased one in a kiosque…I’m a playful sort of chap,
I pulled her on my knee, then on the jaw I got a slap
I found a Gordon Highlander was sitting in my lap.

BILLY BENNETT was born in 1887, the year that the great clown Grimaldi died, and some experts believe he took up the mantle of the famous Victorian entertainer. Before reaching his star stature, Billy apparently graduated from being an acrobat and, for a period, the rear end of an elephant! He was a Londoner and knew the Cockney scene intimately, basing a number of his most popular songs and sketches on the activities of comic villains – a theme virtually untouched by any other music hall performer.

Author: Peter

Web researcher View all posts by Peter