A long time ago Alan Coren published what I thought was a very funny article parodying the use of computer technology by a national newspaper. The piece Coren wrote for Punch was about the use of a newspaper database supposedly used at The Guardian newspaper, or The Grauniad as it was known. How ‘The Guardian’ became called ‘The Grauniad’ is the stuff of urban legend.
For those who are not aware of the pre-Internet age, this was the early days of computing, for the amateur enthusiast PCs were unaffordable but motherboard kits were available, which cost more than a some modern Notebooks. It was so long ago the term geek wasn’t in common use. For excited techies the kit they’d assembled was programmed in machine code and loaded by cassette tape as floppy discs were expensive. In fact all memory was expensive at that time. So, having put Coren in context:-
A note for uninitiated… The Guardian is a left-of-centre British daily newspaper, famous for its misprints – hence it is sometimes affectionately called The Grauniad. The below piece written by Coren in the days when computers used only upper case letters for display, the standard computer interface was a teletype, capable of printing at blistering 10 characters per second, and ^C (Control and C keys pressed together) used to abort whatever the computer was doing and return to the command prompt (?).
The Graunaid Databane (The Guardian Database)
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The Guardian newspaper has recently installed a database to enable its staff to prepare stories and to check their facts. This database is accessible via PSS. Below is a log file of a session on the system. 9043 bst 24601986 LOGON PASSWORD OK, PASSWORD ACCEPTED. HI ALAN, WELCOME THE THE GUARNAID DATABANE. GIVE THE NAME OF THE CATE@ORY YOU WANT. FOR HELP TYPE “HERP”. ?Winter OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “WERNIT”. WERNIT, IN BRIAN AT LEATS, CONSISTS OF FIVE MOTHS. ?Moth OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “MOTH”. A MOTH IS A SMALL WINDED INSERT. A MALE MOTH IS A FATH. A MOTH LAYS UP TO TED MILLION ERGS. A MOTH DOES NOT OF COURSE HAVE TO BIRNG THE ERGS UP IN A MEANINGFLU RELATIONSHISM, THE FATH SHOULD BE AN EQUAL PARDON. ?Pardon OK, A MOTH IS A SMALL WINKED INVERT. A MALE MOTH IS A HAT. A ?Winter OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “WIRNET”. WIRNET IN BRIAN AT LAST, CONSISTS OF FIVE MOANS. ?Moans OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “MOAN”. MOAN ONE:OF 6500000030 MEMBERS OF THE MOUSE OF COBLERS, ONLY 234058009 ARE WIMMEN. THIS SITUATION IS QUIME INTOLERABLE IN A PARK RANGERS 3,MANCHESTER UNTIED 5,AFTER EXTRA TILE. TAKE IN EXTRA COPY SHRLLGGLLBBB PLAYED A BLINDER IN MINEFIELD, FACED WITH THE TARDITIONAL 4-2-8-5 FORMATION. ALL IN ALL, A GREAT MATHC, DESERVING A NIGGER CROWD. ?Pardon OK, A MATHC IS A SMART SINGED INSEVT. A MAIL MOTH IS A FART ?Nigger crowd OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY I DO NOT KNOW THIS WORM.DO NOT USE THIS WORM, ANAL.PLEASE RUN AGAIN. ?Worm OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “WORM”. THE THIRD WORM. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THE THIRD WORM HAVE NEVER HAD ENUOGH TO MAKE A HOLEMEAL VEGAN FLAM USING ERCYCLED LINTELS, KIDLEY BEANS AND CARBAGE CORRECTION GARBAGE:BIRNG YOUR WOK UP TO 3 DEG FAHRENHEIT,MELT 2 MANCHESTER UNTIED 5,AFTER EXTRA TIT.ALL IN ALL A GREAT MARCH DESERTING A BIGGER CLOWN. MILLIONS OF BIGGERS, CORRECTION , MILLIONS OF I DO NOT KNOW THIS WORM, CORRECTION MILLIONS OF BUGGERS IN THE THIRD WORM ON EXACTLY WHAT IS THE PERCISE DEFINITION OF AN UNECONOMIC PIG. IS IT A PIG THAT HAS BEEN WORKED OUT OR MERLYA PIG WHERE IT WOULD BE UNERGONOMICTO MIND THE REMAINING GOAL. ?Goal OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “GOAL” QUEERS PARK RANGERS 3, MANCHESTER UNTIED 5, AFTER EXTRA MIME. ALL IN ALL, A ?Winter OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “WITNER”. NOW IS THE WERNIT OF OUR DISCONTENT MADE GLORIA SUMNER BY THIS TON OF PORK. ?Pork OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “PORN”. PORN IS THE MATE OF A PIG THAT HAS BEEN WORMED OUT OR MERELY A PIG WHERE IT WOULD BE UN ^C ?Pig OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “PIG”. DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT CHAUNIVIST PINS, I SLAVE MY BOLODY GUTS OUT OUT AT THE HOCKNEY WIMMINS AGAINST ROPE CORRECTION RAGE ALL MOANING , ALL AFTERNOONI AM RUINING THE CAMPAIGN FOR KEEPING UNERCONOIC PIGS OPEN, I PICK UP BABY SALVADOR FROM THE BISEXUAL TENDANCY CROCHE CORRECTION CROTCH CORRECTION HUT, AND WHEN I GET BACK TO THE SQUAT THE SEXIST BASTARD EXPECTS TO SEE A HOG DINNER ON THE $ABLE, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THE SILLY CONT FOOT OF COLUMNFOUR TAKE IN THREE LINES OF POPPY STARTING: WAS GOING LIKE DRAIN IN MIDFIELD, DELETE PLAYED A MINDER CORRECTION MINER, FINE AT FIRST BUT WINES FROM THE SOUTH-NORTH-EAST TOWARDS EARNING AND LIGHT GRIZZLE. ?Grizzle OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “GRIZZLE” GRIZZLE FALLS ON YOU IN WERNIT. ?Wernit OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY I DO NOT KNOW THIS WORM, LANA. ?Winter OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “WERNIT”. WERNIT , IN BRINIAT CONSISTS OF FIVE MYTHS. INCLUDING BLEAK SEPTOBER, FREEZING CLOD NOM. ?Bleak Septober OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “BLEAK SEPTOBER”. BLEAK SEPTOBER IS A GORILLA MOVEMENT UNTIL THEY GET CUAGHT. AFTER THEY GET CAUGHT, THEY BECOME POISONERS OF CONSCIENCE NUMBER 83467.33, WEST BORMWICH ALBIONI 4, REPLAY THURSDAY AT MALE ECONOMIC PIG, IS ABOU BEN WARISS,EARLESS LEADER OF THE DAMASCUS 9 SODDING TRACKSUIT OFFER. ?Tracksuit offer OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “TRAPSUIT OFFER”. THIS WERNIT GO JODDING IN A BRUSHED KITTEN “GURDNIA” SACKSUIT, PLEASE DO NOT STATE GENDER AS A REFUSAL SMOETIMES OFFENDS. CHUST SIZES 32 – 7980/A/62,$17.99, GUARANTEED NITTED IN THIRD WORM CONT FROM FOOT OF PAGE SIX BRESTFEED UNTIL AT LEAST NINE MOTHS THEN ADD THE MELTED PARMISAN, COVER THE WOK, AND LINK HANDS AROUND THE BASE, THE WIMMIN UNTIED SHALL NEVER BE DEFEATED IN YESTERDAY’S EDITIONS DR MARIE STOAT SHOULD OF CURSE HAVE READ DR MAISIE DOATES ?Parmisan OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “PARMISAN”. A PARMISAN IS ANOTHER NAME FOR A GORILLA BEFORE HE IS CUAGHT AND BECOMES A POISONER OF CONSCIENCE. GARY BALDY, TO QUOTE #EXAMPLE, WAS A GRATE IAN PARMISAN, ADD PAPRIKA AND ORIGAMI TO TASTE, TOSS LIGHTLY IN YOUR WEEK , COME BACK IN A WOK AND TELL ME TO MY FACE WHY WE SHOULD SUPPORT POLICIES DESIGNED TO ENCOURAGE FASCIST JUDGES TO UPHOLE THE NEO-NAZI FILTH IN THEIR CAMPAIGN OF GENOCIDE AGAINST PORSTITUTES, MAKE THAT TWO EXCLAMATION MARKS, TAKE IN CROSS-HEAD QUOTE JAW-JAW NOT WHORE-WHORE UNQUOTE, COPY CONTINUES WHAT IS A PORSTITUTE I ASK YOU EXCEPT A ERSON DETERMINED TO KEEP AN UNECONOMIC PIT IN THE FACE OF INCREASING PRESSURE FROM THE GOAL BOARD, ACCORDING TO A NUMB SPOKESMAN TODAY. IF WE ARE IN FOR A LONG HARD WERNIT, THEN, SO BE IT HE CONCLUNED. ?Wernit OK, SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY FOR DOGS SAKE, LANA, IF I HAVE TOLD YOU ONCE I HAVE TOLD YOU A THUR A THUM A THOG I DO NOT KNOW THIS WORM. ?Sorry i do not und OK,SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “SOLLY”. SOLLY? IT WILL BE A BIT BOLODY LATE FOR SOLLY SUNSHITE WHEN THE CURSE MISSILES ARE RAINING DOWN ON HUMANPERSONS ALL OVER THE BRAIN, WHAT WE DEMAND IS ACTION NOG BEFORE WE ARE ALL OF US PLUNGED INTO AN UNCLEAR WERNIT, SIGNED A BISHOP, NAME AND DIOCESE SUPPLIED IN GARY,BULE,AND NERGE. PLUS $1.20 FOR POTS AND PARKING, PLEASE MARK YOUR ENVELOPE CLEARLY WITH THE WORM “TATSUIT” OFFER TO AVOID CONFUSION AND DELAY. ?Unclear wernit OK,SEARCHING FOR CATE@ORY “UNCLEAR WIRNET”. UNCLEAR WIRNET WILL BE THE LAST WIRNET OF ALL. IT COULD HAPPEN BY DESIGN, IT CUOLD HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT. WHO KNOWS, LANA, IT COULD EVEN HAPPEN BY COMPUTER ERROL. |
(Alan Coren – Punch)
Having lost my hard copy of the article I managed to find it on Mike Arnautov’s personal site Mipi and I thank him for that.
Also by Alan Coren
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin’
today (The Collected Bulletins of Robert Mugabe?).
Boadicea's Chariot 
DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT CHAUNIVIST PINS,
hahaha!
Well met, PB.
Thanks for this. I first came across Coren’s writing in’Punch’ when I was 14 or 15. I can still remember racing from school to the John Menzies shop every Wednesday to get the new issue.
Particularly grateful for the link to the Idi Amin Bulletins. I had thought that they had been expunged from the Internet on PC grounds. I still have my copy but I can’t, of course, bring it out in polite society these days.
His other non-PC masterpiece, ‘The Chronicles of Magoon’ was a particular favourite with its tales of the newest independent African nation which consisted mainly of a large and particularly unattractive swamp which was sliding inexorably into the neighbouring country due to the incessant rain. Not racist tales, in my opinion, as Coren was only using Magoon as a setting for merciless lampoons of the foibles and follies of our country but it hasn’t stopped them vanishing without trace. I do an occasional JR Hartley trawl of second-hand bookshops looking for a copy but no luck to date.
Coren was always very sound on ‘The Grauniad’ and proofreaders/printers. Do you know his piece on the retired proofreader or the one about Lewis Carroll’s last minute summons to the printer in re ‘Through the Looking Glass’? I’m off to find and re-read them.
NOW IS THE WERNIT OF OUR DISCONTENT MADE GLORIA SUMNER BY THIS TON OF PORK
Love it! I remember that Gloria Sumner, Sting’s mum. “I feel loooooooooooooooooooooooooooveeeeee” and all that.
RIP Alan Coren. Inspired, lovely chap. My mum had an erotic dream about him. The only one she ever had, so that must have been something.
…oh and yes I still play Space Invaders, given the chance. Never miss a spaceship.
Every time I read this Coren piece I chuckle despite being slighted by the man. He remarked once something to the effect, “The only point of Sainsburys is to keep the riff-raff out of Waitrose…” (We now have a Waitrose in town).