Puns for Educated Minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
If ever a woman asks for a Double Entendre, make sure you give her one
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana..
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
The Buddhist refused Novocain during a root canal treatment His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Boadicea's Chariot 
🙂 🙂
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding
traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the British”.
One week later, the Cape Times, in South Africa, reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South
Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely f–k all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years
ago, Africa had already gone wireless.”
Just makes you bloody proud to be from Africa !
Nicely put Soutie
For the pun blog (Composer section): Was Handle a crank?
OMG ‘Was Handle a crank?’ 🙂 Love it.
Here’s a few more, surprisingly they weren’t on CO’s list or this one!
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10 Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver’s license’s of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend 1.50 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that one
enjoys it?
I rather like the first one 🙂
I prefer no 2
Two atoms are walking down the street, they don’t notice each other and collide.
When the dust settles, one atom comes to and goes to help the second one.
Atom 1: “Are you allright mate?”
Atom 2: “No!”
A1 “Why whats wrong?”
A2 “I’ve lost an electron”
A1 “Are you sure?”
A2 “YES! I’m Positive!”
and the other nerd gag.
There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary. Those who do and those who don’t!
Clever!
Mr and Mrs Jones asked their 10-year old what he wanted for Christmas. He said, ‘I wanna watch.’ So they let him.
🙂