Remembering Ronnie Barker

Remembering and revisiting some of Ronnie Barker’s brilliance this morning,  for no particular reason.

The Two Ronnies:
The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow
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Author: janh1

Part-time hedonist.

23 thoughts on “Remembering Ronnie Barker”

  2. This has sent to me by a friend, the Two Ronnies wrote this and the BBC received no complaints. How Ronnie B read this with a poker straight face lord alone knows.

    This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

    Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

    Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors , emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

    At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

    The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

    The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

    Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

    She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys
    who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

    The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight, otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

    At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.

    “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

    The very next day the pransome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in.

    Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

    “Who’s fust jarted???” asked the prandsome hince.

    “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge

    When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

    Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

    He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

    Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The prandsome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

    Hope I hav’nt offended but moderation is fatal … nothing succeeds like excess.
    How did they get away with it. Even Mary Whitehouse!.

  4. Hi, zen

    Oh, those crazy urban myths. Oh that crazy Internet.

    Never happened. The original, clean version was by Archie Campbell

    I believe that the various dirty parodies on you tube being performed by the likes of Freddie Starr, were all by Anon and emerged from barrack rooms and student unions in the usual way. There is absolutely no chance that the blessed Ronnie ever performed this version in a BBC broadcast and, in my opinion, very little chance that he wrote it.

  8. I think my favourite Ronnie Barker sketch was the one where he “Road the Nows” using a script that had been printed on a typewriter that an “o” instead of an “e”.

    The best bit was when he got to the item concerning “Hilaire Belloc”

  9. Gentlemen – May I be of assistance here? I have on my shelves a weighty tome with the self-explanatory title, ‘Ronnie Barker – “All I ever wrote”. The Complete Works’. (ISBN 0-283-07334-9).

    As amusing as Zen’s piece is, it isn’t in the book and it’s not Ronnie Barker’s style either.

    OZ

  10. Thanks for *all* the contributions, folks. OZ I am in awe of your taste. You have the book!!
    We should have a daily Barker. Consider it, do.

    I went to his antique shop in Chipping Norton once, just to meet him. He sold me a knackered old fountain pen. I still have it.

    When I occasionally see the re-runs of his shows, it’s evident that there’s no-one around to touch him at the moment. Such a great comic wit and talent.

  15. No matter what Ronnie Barker did, he was funny.

    A few years back I went into his shop in Chipping Norton, it was an antique shop of sorts, more a junk shop really. He was serving, as he always did. I had a look round at all the stuff he’d got. I was looking through a big box he had at the bottom of the stairs, I asked him “Have you got got a chair?” He said “No, but you can sit on the stairs if you like”. I bought a few things from his collection of kitchen equipment, one was a huge wooden pestle from the dark ages, I got him to sign it for me. I also bought one his books of saucy postcards, he signed that for me. I then went for a coffee near by, My aunt wished she’s got his book, so off I went back to the shop to get one, he looked up at me and said “Someone just like you came in here a few minutes ago”.
    Wadda a guy.

    “Four Candles”

  18. Love it all. Keep it up folks.

    News just in

    ‘Following the dispute with the domestic servants’ union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.’

  19. and finally from me, there’s a bit at the end of the two Ronnies when Ronnie Corbett says something like: “Tomorrow we will be talking to women who like Nicholas Parsons….”

    and Ronnie Barker says: “And also to a parson who likes knickerless women.”

  23. 🙂 Janus. Meant to say Porridge was such a classy piece of comedy writing – and showcase for Barker as an actor. Laughter and pathos. Can’t beat it.

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