Blow job

Funny day really.
I wanted a tan to go with the dress I’d bought in South Africa the Christmas before last (on our last day in Cape Town) and that I haven’t yet worn, but want to wear on Saturday to a 50th birthday party.As it has only shoe string straps I thought my rather anaemic shoulders would not show it off to its best advantage. So I booked in for a spray tan. I have never had anything like it before.
It was rather strange really, completely undressing and putting on a very brief pair of black paper panties and a shower cap affair in a cubicle and just standing there arms held out, while a woman I’d never met before blew a spray of brown tint all over me in a systematic manner. It certainly bought out the goose bumps. I began to wonder if afterwards I’d look like a well done chicken like the ones cooked on the rosterie in supermarkets.
“I bet you see all shapes and sizes,” I said, by way of conversation.
“Oh yes,” she said. “All sorts.” I didn’t ask her to elaborate.
“I like doing people with skin like yours,” she said after a while. “It really takes the colour well.”
So afterwards she blew the damp areas dry with a hair dryer and then left me to get dressed.  I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I went to pay and noticed how white the whites of my eyes are. I didn’t smile. Quite honestly I was shocked.
The next thing on my agenda was popping into one of the offices where I work to get a time sheet signed. I had hoped all the team would be out and about – but no such luck.
“Blimey, you’re brown. Perhaps you’ll have your first hand experience of racial discrimination today?”

By now I was starting to consider a quick dash home for a long hot shower. But I couldn’t. I mean that would be all the money down the drain and the instructions say no showering for 24 hours. I’d have to grin and bear it. When I arrived home later Cyclomaniac looked at me.
“What have you had done?” he said.

Author: Sarah

No time to lose. No, time to lose. Make time to stand and stare.... Did you see that?

34 thoughts on “Blow job”

  1. A new avatar, Nym standing on a cliff, arms outstretched dressed only in black paper knickers looking browned off. 🙂

  2. Grin and bear it – it will be worth it!
    That reminds me of the time, on election night as it happens, when I went for a bikini wax, and eye treatment at local beautician’s. it’s a posh place – in contrast to, say, strip lit, grim Liverpool beauty salons which come complete with odeur de strong nail varnish and toe nail clippings hanging off just about everything; where the actual experience of having hot wax ripped off bikini area is painful beyond belief…
    So, to go back to story, in this lovely posh Clitheroe salon, with lots of candles, incense, aromatherapy/ funny lotions and panpipe music, they asked me to get undressed like before an operation and gave me a large paper sheet to cover modesty. Then the beautician says, ‘I’ll just put your eye treatment on,’ and put loads of cream on my eyes. Then she gently puts some sort of blindfold on top of that and says, ‘I’ll do your bikini line now.’
    So, basically, I have to lie there, with this ridiculous panpipe music drifting through, completely blindfolded and stinking of tee tree oil or whatever, as this woman fusses around my intimate, ahem, nether regions.
    I’m no prude, but I swear to GOd I could hardly keep my face straight…

  3. Yes, I can imagine that would be rather awkward!

    Today was rather ‘clinically efficient’ – I wasn’t embarrassed, just struck by the incongruity of it all.

  4. I once asked my hairdresser for a cut and blow job as well. I was tired…
    the things we do in the name of beauty; you’re right, it’s the incongruity of it all that strikes you when you’re starkers and some manicured dolly bird is wielding the wax all over you…

  5. Hello Pseu

    ‘Blow job’

    I was of course expecting something more along these lines

    😉

  6. As Dick Emery would have said, “Ooooh, you are AWFUL, but I like you!”

  7. Pseu; and they’re dressed in semi nurse’s garb as well, as if the thing were some sort of medical procedure.
    The conversation went like this (as I tried to stifle squeals/sniggers and she deftly tugged and coated Down Below…):
    Beautician: ‘I dorn knaw what a’m votin’.’
    Me; ‘Me neither!’

  8. Janus: I was tempted to ask her about that. I bet they do see all sorts, and more besides, but she was so lovely and discreet and so charming, I felt sorry for her and thought, what a frigging way to make a living!

  9. I am by nature somewhat of a hairy disposition, but anyone who comes near me with a tub of hot wax is going to receive the full pre-emptive fang treatment. Just so you know.

    OZ

  10. Pseu – I am just learning to wax lyrical by way of the Creative Writing competition, but OZ’s dangly bits remain hairy as long as I have a tooth in my snout. 🙂

    OZ

  11. OZ; men should be hairy; wimmin not. So you get away with that one!
    But just one look at my beautician and you’d melt… 😉

  12. Pseu – make that furry ‘nough

    Claire – I was advised very recently by someone who shall remain nameless to ‘quit the single leg shaving’.

    OZ

  13. Blimey.

    How brave of you, Nym. I’ve seen some very orange people wandering around in Henley recently, so I must admit, it’s rather put me off.

    I’ve given up on this beautifying business. If I ever set foot in a hairdresser, and foolishly have anything other than a trim, I always rush back home and wash it straight away. I’ve decided it’s all a bit pointless. I do have a manicure and a pedicure though, from time to time but that’s about my only indulgence.

  14. Nothing wrong with pale shoulders. The paint job sounds a little worrying.

  15. OZ: I sound like I’m trying to be Oprah in that quote. But I’d stick with the hairiness. Women prefer it, I’d say.
    Ara; I find the hairdresser more intimidating than the beautician. But pehrpas that’s because I always get a bollocking for having snipped at fringe and put various shades of Morrison’s bleach on hair.
    Tocino; my, the mind boggles…
    Pseu and Jaime: quite! Have you tried JOhnson’s holiday skin? I’m not on commission btw 🙂

  16. Janus; you sound like a walkig Gillette advert! Trust me, most don’t. Maybe we should do a poll, of the tick the box kind.
    Now I’m gone!

  17. What kind of spray did they use, enamel, duco or two-pack? Did they use a 50 liter compressor with fine a mist nozzle water trap? was it a Sampson spray gun?

    How do you expect us guys to understand the finer details of a blow job if you don’t explain the apparatus used? 🙂

  18. Pseudonym, as an English woman, I am sure your skin is beautiful. Why change it?

    Claire, Clit heroe sounds a very apt place to go for a bikini wax.

    Somehow, I find it difficult to imagine anywhere north of Knightsbridge as being posh. It must be my southern prejudice.

  19. I have seen enough of the chavs up here with their cheapo spray tans, Friday night in the town centre looks like an Oompa-Loompas summer outing. Brown good, orange not so good.

  20. If you were lucky enough to be born white why bother?
    Consider how much Michael Jackson spent on trying to achieve that deathly pallor.
    Fake anything is pretty lip wrinkling, I’d rather waste my money on the gardener.

  21. As a general roool Christina, I agree with you. This was done on a whim and today has received some very positive comments, now I’ve had a bath and washed off the ‘excess’. The paint job has evened out my very uneven skin tone and I look less tired!

    Hey ho.

  22. I always wear johnson’s holiday skin on my face in summer. It’s not exactly fake tan; more like fake-summer glow…this morning I got it wrong and ended up with white finger mark down side of one cheek for the day. (:
    Sipu: ha ha! 🙂

  23. Pseu, You can get much the same effect standing in a field in Dorset when the crop fertiliser goes past – and it’s free! Mind you it costs you a lot more in terms of perfume.

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