Author: zenrules

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.’

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: Continue reading “When the spirit moves one…”

This guy is flying down the road in his EB Z06; and he comes over the top
of a bridge, sure enough,on the other side there is sitting a cop with a
radar gun.

The cop pulls the guy over,walks up to the car and asks “What’s the
hurry?”

The guy replies, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah”, says the cop, “what do you do?”

The guy responds, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

The cop says “A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?”

The guy says,”Well, I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three,then four,then my whole hand,then I work until I can
get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it’s about 6
foot wide”

The cop asks, “What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?’

The guy replies, “You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge…”

Cyndi Lauper

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
John W. Gardner

Goodnight everyone, sleep well.

John W. Gardner

Especially when we get a little older and have a tad more free time.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning,I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

Schwarzkopf – The Merry Widow

‘ France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.’

Mark Twain

Goodnight everyone, sleep well.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,” You’ve got
to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Pav’s great showstopper.

‘It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.’

Alan Kent

Goodnight everyone, sleep well.