Author: zenrules

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer.  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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‘If you knows of a better ‘ole, go to it’

I don’t, there isn’t

Sadly missed

A Chinese man walked into a pub in the US late one night and saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushed to him and asked for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gave him a slap on the face and said “You Chinese bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.”

The astonished Chinese man replied “Chinese did not bomb your Pearl Harbor, it was actually the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same.” responded Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gave Spielberg a slap on the face and said “You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replied “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

The Chinese man replied “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

This particular joke won the best joke in a competition in Britain .

A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..”

“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”