Author: zenrules

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

‘Doctor, I don’t feel too good,’ said the little Paper bag. Continue reading “A paper bag”

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’ The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’

Continue reading “Language!”

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

“I’ve lost my granddad!”

The guard asked, “What’s he like?”

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Gin and tonic and women with big tits.”

The Canadian government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Beaver to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance….A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

The latest toy has hit the shops…

a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the heck it says,
because no one has the balls to pull the cord.

An atheist was walking through the woods.

‘What majestic trees!’
‘What powerful rivers!’
‘What beautiful animals!’
He said to himself.

Continue reading “An atheist in the woods”

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.   She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……..

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..